True Love or True Fog? Part II - The Fertile Void

[Silver Fox]

I meant to thank you too davidswife. I'm siding with you a bit.

[Tawnya]

Silver..just started a new one called Another Wife Rising from the Bomb's Ashes (or something along those lines LOL)

Thank you!

[pearlharbr]

Silver, I would NOT meet with him alone. What would it do for you? Something more than showing him you're serious about maintaining your boundaries? As to how to respond to him, not sure if I would just say no or explain OW=NC. Probably my own sitch is clouding my judgment on this so I'll leave that up to you.

But speaking of my sitch, apparently being strong does work (even if you no longer want it to!) so be strong!

WIT - please do let us know what's going on with you! We miss you!

[silvagod]

Hello Silvagoddess

I thought I wold pay you a visit and see what you have been up to. It seems like you are getting down to the nitty gritty. Not the best part by any stretch of the imagination.

I read that note that your H left and my first reaction was to actually lol, I really did. I know it's not a funny sitch, but to write a note like that and expect you to view it with sympathy is SO funny. I always find it amusing when people precede a sentence with "I'm not doing / asking for xxxx but" What that almost always means is that without a shadow of doubt xxxx is EXACTLY what they are doing / asking for.

To my mind, there is little or no point in meeting prior to mediation apart from that fact that he will try to get you all emotional and coerce you into agreeing something that will benefit HIM. (Hence all the apologies and soft soaping in his note - that was setting the tone for the meeting) Even less point if you have stated categorically that you will NOT meet if OW is still in the frame.

If this is the first time bancruptcy has been mentioned, that may be his 'killer blow' to get you to capitulate. That aint gonna work though is it:

Hang on to your gut feelings, stick with the legals and ignore that symPATHETIC letter he left you.

[Silver Fox]

Ok, so it appears the majority believe I should not meet with him. Now, need to decide whether to tell him or not.

Thank you Silvagod. I'm with you - if I didn't laugh at his note I'd cry - and I've done enough of that.

I read that note that your H left and my first reaction was to actually lol, I really did. I know it's not a funny sitch, but to write a note like that and expect you to view it with sympathy is SO funny. I always find it amusing when people precede a sentence with "I'm not doing / asking for xxxx but" What that almost always means is that without a shadow of doubt xxxx is EXACTLY what they are doing / asking for.

I can't tell you how manys times he's made comments like this, along with his other favorites - "I know I have no right to ask, but......." And "I hope you'll find it in your heart to......." And my all time favorite - "If you could just put aside your emotions and cooperate with me....."

Thanks again for posting. I look forward to more of your thoughts.

symPATHETIC letter

Love this too!

[Tawnya]

Ha {{{Silver}}} I'm right there with you about Silva's symPATHETIC..that was classically good stuff LOLOL!!

Silver and don't forget the "I didn't really mean to hurt you" and "I wasn't looking for this" :eye roll: whatever

Silver..have I told you how strong and happy you are seeming and sounding by the way??

Tawnya

[Silver Fox]

Thank you for taking care of the taxes and for all the other financial responsibilities you have continued to carry. I'm sorry I haven't been able to find a way to communicate how I can take on more of those duties.

I met with my attorney a few weeks ago and was finally presented with your filing. I explained that you wanted to work through our lawyers from this point forward. He was supposed to contact your attorney about scheduling a settlement conference in which we would make the formal offer you have asked for. I hope we can make that happen.

In the meantime, I am going to ask one more time if you and I can have our own conversation about possible plans for the house, etc. I know I have no right to ask you for anything but I keep hoping that you will forgive me enough to prevent this process from hurting both of us even more. Can you find it in your heart to do that?

Perhaps we could go together to a CPA who could give us a detailed accounting of where we stand and whether there is any way I can avoid bankruptcy. I have so much I am having to deal with right now, including finding a job. I'm not complaining but I am asking for whatever help you can give me.

Pearl's analysis of her xBF's letter motivated me to do the same with my H's. As I began to study his words, one thing jumped out at me. Amazing.

[kassie]

Silver,

Just stopped by to say hi, see you have a lot going on. My two cents worth is to stick to what you set up in the first place. There are a few differences to consider : 1- you are entitled to look out for your own welfare without having to stick it to him, 2- he left, he put himself in this position -you didn't have any part in it - it isn't your job to help,3- people have to learn that there are consequences to their behavior and without them we never learn, 4- also remember that how you go through the process is more important than the results in the end.

I like your list by the way, I think it is easier to make decisions if we have goals. Writing them down helps us to sort through them in order to find out what is important to us.

Take care, we are all here to support you.

[Tawnya]

Wow {{{Silver}}} THAT is eye opening isn't it? Funny how, even when it sounds like he is apologizing to YOU, it's still all about him..hmmm..

Tawnya

[silvagod]

SG... ( I just GOT to call you that!)

It is really enlightening when we look at the 'hidden' messages we are sent. I got one from my W recently. Her Mum has been ill so I questioned her about not telling me. The reply I got was all, how SHE is suffering, how ill SHE might be, what SHE had to do to support MIL. OK. I cna live with that. Tonight howeverm, due to S21 coming to see me, I find that she is off out until the early hours with her BFF. Not THAT poorly then.

What they say is SO self centred it is quite sad to see. I am SO happy that I am away from that and don't need to worry about it.

It does annoy me though, but that is due to me still cycling through the anger and acceptance stages of grief.

But....wow, aint it weird that they ALL act like that.

We are the ones that have learned, adjusted, grown and become better. Let them wallow, they don't and can't understand and far be it for us to try and help.