My situation #8

[steady]

I grabbed this from nds's thread. It was posted by robx:

Seems you did exactly what you normally would have done on Valentine's day: you bought her a gift, got her a card, maybe wrote a note inside, short & sweet or long & involved. Either way you did something you normally did. Based on what I've been reading and doing myself, you should have done the opposite. You shouldn't have gotten anything for her, no valentine's day gifts. It wouldn't be mean of you not to, because it wasn't mean of her not to do it for you. She didn't think so, which is why she didn't do it for you, she's ok with that.

I would say stop doing what you normally do. Lose the routine. Create a bit of a space, allow a vacuum of space between the two of you to allow her to be drawn in. You're still pursuing, even if not overtly which means she doesn't have to do anything except maintain her distance.

This past valentine's day, I did not buy my wife a gift, a card, no roses, I didn't even wish her a happy valentine's day and I appeared fine with that, I acted like nothing was wrong with me doing this. This goes against any logic I would have on this subject. Last year a few months after my wife telling me that it was over, at valentine's day I bought her an expensive gift, picked up roses, wrote up a card professing my love and why we should stay together, pretty much everything to show her that she stay with me. That didn't work then, why did I have reason to believe it would work this year? I didn't and I was tired of doing the same things and expecting different results (that's the definition of insanity). Fast forward to today when living together wasn't enough and her poor behavior & attitude towards me got to a point where I couldn't bear it anymore. Asked her to move out, packed her things for her, she lives with her parents now, I have joint custody of my kids now (whereas before I was limited to a visitation schedule of her choosing) and I pretty much dictate how I will live my life.

How is my wife now? Generally sad whereas last year, her and friends (the "divorced wives club" I called them) were gloating and were on cloud 9, having the time of their lives. Does this mean I'm an a$$hole and disrespectful towards her, nope. It means that I'm cordial & respectful of her but most importantly I'm respectful of myself and don't allow her anyone else for that matter to treat me poorly or take me for granted. My wife asked me if she could spend valentine's day this year with me & the kids since I had them this particular week. She expressed how she had feelings of anxiety, sadness, felt like no one loved her, etc. She asked for hugs several times and held on to me like she didn't want to let go and talks to me about her problems and asks for advice and just someone to listen to her because none of her friends seem to be able to do that (big surprise).

They won't ever know what they're losing if they always have it infront of them. How can they ever feel the loss of any sort when you are giving them everything they had in the relationship without the requirements of love & committment?

I don't know if any of what I'm doing will fix our marriage or bring her back but I do know I feel much better about the person I am right now, have a much high sense of self-respect and self-esteem than I've ever had and I do have a life, I'm an independant individual again. These things make you an attractive person to your spouse and pretty much everyone around you. I think if you want to bring your spouse to a point where they want you again to try again, you have to give them something to want and you can only do that by becoming the kind of person you would want to be for yourself first (not for them).


The bolded section is a fitting reminder for me where I am at in my life for MYSELF.

It's now what I'm actually shooting for - and it should have been my focus point since day one.