Divorce looming #4

[25yearsmlc]

Please tell me you will have a lawyer review the documents before you sign. Why are you rushing this? You may not be able to slow the divorce itself, but you surely can delay the custody issues and by the way, it is not irrevocable.

Money comes and goes. Interesting stories...I have a lot of experience with this in that we were sooo poor and then NOT...I am not blaming money for our problems but I can tell you that it did NOT help our marriage. Once a certain point was reached, I can see now that no more was needed. B/C then you have no time for living. (There is a great book on this exact topic, called "Your Money or Your Life" I highly recommed you read it for the approach to money and happiness and the roles they play with each other).

My h and I put ourselves thru school, college, med school and law school all without help from others. We were poor Kev. Oh And we had a child while I was in Law school and h was starting med school 8 weeks later...I know what it's like to be poor. But we knew it was temporary. Long term struggling, yes. But not permanent. See the diff? Did your wife and you feel like there was a hopeful future? What changed? And was she working too hard? Does she like her work? Do you like yours? As for how happy everyone is with money, as if the numbers are equal (as if $40k = 40'units" of happiness and therefore $160k = 4 times more happiness??? umm, does NOT work that way).

When h began making some real dollars, only a few things improved. The house was nicer and bigger and so were the cars. But some things did not improve. We had LESS time together with each pay raise, not more. S22 said once, "no matter where we lived or what dad earned the only difference I saw was that our homes/cars got nicer but dad was not happier and seemed more tired, not less..."
H always felt "behind" something as if he had to make up and compensate for not earning more earlier ???

H was sort of wearing "golden handcuffs" b/c whenever he'd miss work, he wouldn't get paid since it was all production based. I recall once we were on a cruise ( completely arranged by me, and I had to put in leave for him with his secretary as he kept "forgetting" to do so) and he carped about money on the trip, and I said, "it's all paid for already" and he said, "but I could be earning money at this time..." and it was an "aha moment" for me. It was at that moment I realized he had changed into a workaholic. That is a disturbed way of thinking, just as alcoholics think weirdly about their drinking and sex addicts obsess. Do NOT confuse being a workaholic with ambition. It's a cop out. Even as a kid, I knew my dad was lying when he'd be working late "for the family" b/c the reality was he made speeches and got promotions and accolades at work; (some author called it "fast food for the starving ego"). Dad worked as a father, yes. But he didn't work the extra times for US...it was for him and his insecurities and ego, and whatever he had to prove in his life, etc. I feel bad for my dad b/c work did not make him happy for feel successful really. When he was dying he had a lot of regrets about missing out on our childhood. He had NO regrets about not working more...

My questions for you are whether Your fear/perception that she doesn't find you as attractive now is b/c she equates your earning power with ambition and success, and that all spells out attraction/& a good mate? Are these her perceptions or yours, or both? I mean, is this a guy thing, b/c a lot of men DO equate their success & identity with how much they earn (boy, have I heard that...)

However, you may be right in what her present beliefs are. It'd be one thing if you were an unemployed loser on welfare without a chance in hell for ever improving your life, mooching off your hardworking wife, and if you were also a lousy dad....But it sounds as if you simply don't make what she makes, or she is in an unusually well paying field. I don't know what she does though, so I don't know if she has passion for it, or it's just the dollars. (And I do put my money where my mouth is; I'm taking a pay cut of ...a lot....as in maybe I'll make a fourth/third? of what I was when I was practicing law. Why? So that I can teach in a low income high school this fall and I am in such a different place than your wife, it really bugs me when I see these things about such shallow pursuits. But I'll have free time that matches our d11's school schedule, can do some writing in the summer, and not fear losing my law license b/c of some ulcer inducing choices an idiot clients makes...so there is a trade off. IT isn't ALL about money. Other than your parents, who were the most influential adults in your life growing up? Bet one of them was a coach or teacher.

If she's going by the salaries, how queasy it will be for OM, knowing that a new "VP" or OM who earns 350k could walk in and win her over b/c it's ALL about the numbers...geez, what I'd give for a guy who comes home at night for dinner and has weekends off. Like TIME...a lot of women out there feel that way Kev. Oh, did you read "The Five Love Languages"? That's a good one. Because for me, my love language is time together and h's is affection and words of affirmation. Affection is hard to give when he's 3000 miles away. As I write that, I realize he must feel his love bank hasn't been filled for some time as well. Interesting.

Oh by the way, Does she know OM's earnings will be halved with an ex wife and kids? Too bad for her she picked a Married OM...(yeah too bad for them too. I suspect your w does not know if you get half custody, as you should, she'll have to pay YOU...) Please, see a L....!!!!

The real issue is what your earnings mean to YOU and your values. Did you "fail" at something in your mind? Was there a goal you did not reach? Does this work event in Florida help you with your job? I ask this b/c how YOU feel about yourself in this arena, matters so much. It will matter to your kids too. Do you do volunteer work? Does OM cure cancer? Does your wife? Didn't think so. You know, once your material needs are met and a few luxuries, the rest is gravy....UNTIL it becomes a handcuff that ties you down...(the golden handcuffs). That's what the book about money actually researched and more or less "proved". At a certain point, the "graph" of increased money and increased happiness/comfort, meets with decreased fun time, & then takes a nose dive...well, the book says it better...

Well, let them eat their cake. If it's all about money they'll always be the undertone of doubt in the M. Years ago, my oldest brother left a wonderful woman with a daughter he seems to love but moved away for a job... I recall him being 45 y/o dating a 24 y/o and asking me and my sisters what we thought. EACH of us, without "rehearsing" felt it was "pathetic" of him and gold digging of her. Oh she left him when she met a better candidate, i.e., someone making as much money but younger....
Big surprise. My brother ultimately remarried and but more importantly, he did my ex sil a favor. You know why? B/C even though my ex sil married a guy making a lot less money than my oldest brother, somehow her life STYLE is better.
For one thing, the house is somehow a lot nicer than brother's, b/c her new h fixes things up and is a handyman, and they save enough each year for a really nice trip overseas that my brother never made time for...so my ex sil 's life is so much better now than it was even though technically there is much less money, her lifestyle really is better. And her new h makes the M his priority and that's new for her. Oh, she also manages to put aside a few dollars each month for savings so she now feels financially secure, which she never felt with my oldest bro. Meanwhile my brother the wheeler and dealer millionaire, bounces checks to us at least yearly. Who does that? A wheeler and dealer...

There is always a line of doubt in the wealthier partner, an undertone in the R that says "if things change and get bad you'll leave me high and dry, or if you find a better "deal', you'll leave me" and they are usually correct. Conversely, They also use their wealth as a golden handcuff, knowing that the "poorer" partner needs their money and so they are desparate and will tolerate abusive treatmenet, in order to be taken care of. That's how it is when the R is based on money.

Kev, it isn't real. I mean, I know a plastic surgeon who earned $800k Kevin, literally... but he had at least 2 or 3 ex wives and several children, and he had to give his kids nice expensive gifts or they'd openly hate him for what he did to their moms, and by the way, he had at least one mistress too. He was literally broke. So then he had a heart attack and bypass surgery, so I'm sure that did wonders for his love life. I have no idea where his gf was or his wife was or who was with him in the hospital. But it was a wake up call for him..He became desparate to repair the broken messes he created and left behind...so much regret. He was loathed, worshipped, feared and ignored by his own family. Very short on love. Sad. But hey, he made a lot of money!

Hey, so you know--here's a positive in my sitch that I can actually point to--- h and I and our kids are going to Europe this April to see d19 perform in a show. (Remember the cruise)? Well, D19 is performing in a show in Europe and it's a big deal for her, so even if I had to charge the whole thing on a credit card, it's the type of deal as a parent that you just somehow get yourself to, (and btw h agrees to this part fully). I'm doing all the planning for it, like the cruise, which i sort of don't mind...but planning is part of the darn fun...but I want to take 16 days off b/c it's so far and costly to get there, may as well spend some real time there. And happily, our s22 is joining us and it's possible the last time we'll all five be on a trip together as a family. I thought h would probably whine about the length of the trip and I'd have to hear the whole speech about how much it is costing him to miss work blah blah blah--and the time I took the kids to Italy for our anniversary and h vascillated so much about time off he could not get it all off and wanted to leave later or return earlier from Europe and that was so ridiculous with h living in Alaska and acting as if we were normally married....I just took the kids and said "see you later" and we all had a blast. So fast forward 2 and half years and now, guess what? h asked me again for the dates off at work, for HIM to put in, and says he put in for them. I mean he put in for leave in advance, himself UNPRECEDENTED...and without a complaint or obvious desire for my thanks...so, yes Kevin, I have seen a positive change. I'm grateful he also actually said he was "excited about the trip"...also UNPRECEDENTED and while it may not seem like a big thing to you, trust me, this is new.
He used to act as if he was sacrificing for us to go on some frivolous trip. I may be making him sound more negative than he felt, but he did say those things years ago, so now I have to note a significant change for the better. It is a 180' for him and so, I'm applauding it. (Yay, it happens). See? I don't mean to be glib. Just saying I would never have imagined being here, in my M, giving you advice, if someone had asked me2 years ago. I gave us a 5-10% chance of restoring the M...

Our lives were simpler when we were poor. I did not enjoy poverty (we did literally live below poverty line the first 7 years together). We played backgammon and chess and read to each other and had no tv. We studied together. We had goals in common and believed in a better future.
That was the difference between us and the neighbors who rocked on their porch forever...
Did your wife and you have goals for wealth or changing the world or both? Did you let go of the goals, or did she change into this?


I think to the extent you are comfortable with yourself as a man, secure in who you are, a lot of what your children see will be reflected by what they see in you. I really hope you'll get that book about money and happiness ("Your Money or Your Life"). She will need to read it A LONG TIME FROM NOW....b/c she'll wonder why she isn't happier when it's tax time and she sees the numbers on the W-2...and yet, isn't fulfilled. It'll give you some clarity about your own goals for your career and being a dad. I have a brother (not the "rich" one) who is a great dad but his ex w made it pre[/color]tty hard. She'd move to another school district to make it harder to him to commute and therefore harder for him to share custody. He turned down many well paying jobs to stay near his kids and that's what good guys do. He has been there for his daughters as much as most married dad's. You can do this Kevin.

And fwiw, the A itself will have to run its course or they'll both lose their jobs Kevin....so her fantasy will end. In the meantime you'll be GAL, growing as a man and a father. Be strong, smart, calm, and loving. No woman worth her salt is going to ignore that over time. [color:#000099]Be a man that only a fool would leave. And keep on praying.... and have you found a minister you like? Now is a really good time for that...(including one in Florida.)
And I'll keep sending them your way too. AmyC is a good resource in these matters as she went thru something as a WAW MLCer and you may want to track her down around here b/c she can offer some interesting insights for you....seriously. I just recalled that and I'm sorry I didn't give you the name earlier. Look her up and you'll be glad you did.



((( j )))