Shine like the star you are!

[sage]

Would you mind saying what about what you scanned in that book freaked you out? I ask because I have become gun shy about reading since so many of the books spin my head and heart around. I guess I'm not ready to deal/face some of the truth/reality of the intricacies of all this insanity.


T2

Sure...it's gonna be somewhat of a stream of consciousness, though...

I guess what freaked me out (and I really only skimmed some of the chapters) is what I'd call the tremendous and sometimes insurmountable obstacle of healing from this hurt (both of us, actually) and keeping it from happening again.

I think I was already feeling overtired and stressed out and all of a sudden, I just felt this tremendous burden of having to keep this "ship" righted all by myself. And I just had this feeling of "crap. I really don't know if I have the stamina to do this". I dunno -- to keep all the I's dotted and the T's crossed...to keep "on lookout" for signs ardently enough that I'll spot trouble but NOT SO ardently that I cause it. So, to strike the balance between careful attention and paranoia. THEN, when I start thinking about THAT I start remembering the powerless, painful, out of control, sad, horrible feeling of LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME when I KNEW that h was involved in an a, confronted him on it and got lies. So...I think I got caught up last night in "crap...what if I DO feel that way again? how will I stand it? what will I do? how will I know?"

Now...all of this is negative thinking, runaway thinking, catastrophizing, projecting into the future, etc etc. Not good stuff. I don't think it's that I'll NEVER be able to read the book...just that for a whole bunch of reasons (stress, anniversary of height of lying by h during his a, my own "junk", etc) I just can't do it right now.

I need to get to the place (and I've visited! I just haven't established permanent residence) where I KNOW some things -- that I'm responsible for my part of the m, that I'm responsible for my fidelity, not h's, that I'll be OK no matter what, that we BOTH have grown from this experience and no matter what else happens it will NEVER be the same thing, that ... you get the point.

Sage