The Dark Man...undercover

[Jimbo]

Hi gang,

Thanks again to you all for your support. I miss all of you. I see all of the well-wishings for me on this thread and, this is going to sound really corny but I can't help how I feel- it warms my heart that the Universe has seen fit to bless me with such wonderful friends. I can't begin to describe how much this means to me, especially right now.

Work still sucks- I'm at a standstill with "the big project" because of all the BS busy work that is being piled onto me right now, keeping me from addressing said project previously mentioned. Mach mentioned that it is probably a blessing in disguise to keep me from dwelling on my sitch, and he is probably right. I just wish that my blessings were a little lighter in that department! (As a sidebar comment to the Universe- I said a little lighter: that doesn't mean that I want to lose my job. Just so we're straight on that! )

The papers mentioned in the "dear John" letter came in the mail today. Or at least, I'm assuming that that's what this is. I haven't opened it, and don't plan to for a little while. I need to get a grasp on my feelings. First, I just felt dead inside- no tears, no grief....nothing. I went upstairs and took a bath, and had a good run on the hamster wheel, rationalizing the whole event. Now, after about an hour and a half, I'm typing this up and getting more emotional. I know that I don't want my W like she is. It would be so much easier to just chalk it up to a misdiagnosis of MLC on my part, and chuck it in the bin. But I can't do that - not in good conscience. I know too much now. Sometimes I wish I didn't. Ok, now I'm crying. And that lasted for a good ten seconds or so. Now I'm ahold of myself again. I hate this. I know I'm rambling, and right now I just don't give a damn. Now, I'm angry.

"Maybe I'm the one
Maybe I'm the one
Who is
A schizophrenic psycho, yeah..."

I know I'm going to look back on this post and laugh one day- it really does look as if I'm posting drunk! I think maybe I just need a good incoherent ramble right now. I guess so- here come the tears again. A little longer this time. I hate this. I hate all of it. I don't want to feel this. But I know I need to.

Memories. It brings back memories of the deep pain I felt when I went through this with my first love from back in high school. Except I know that the first time, it wasn't MLC- but just a very screwed up, very confused young lady with too much baggage. I look back and see that she was trying to be happy by latching onto a relationship. She was a relationship junkie, of sorts- when the thrill of love left any R, so did she. Of course, I found out about it after the fact from one of her old boyfriends who she went running back to while I was away at college- he felt I should know. It hurt like hell, but it opened my eyes to how she really was. And I guess it prepared me for when she ran off and got pregnant and subsequently married to yet another boyfriend while I was gone. I heard from her years later- she apologized and told me that her marriage had failed, because her Grenada veteran husband was a crazy SOB....and that she was now married to a car mechanic who was a very good man, and they had 5 kids together...all with severe psychological issues.

His name was Jim, too.

There go I, but for the grace of God.

My W has never run around on me before now. She had always been faithful. I saw how, as the MLC was overcoming her, she seemed to fight it off as best as she could. I saw how, even -literally- moment to moment, she flip flopped back and forth.

Then she was overcome.

I look at the world around me and I see cycles. It is the natural order of things. Stagnation is death. But I see this cycle, and it looks so much like the first time around. It has both prepared me, and cursed me. It has given me the strength to recognize that this time it is different. But yet eerie similarities emerge. I know from my Ws diary that she had plans to D me and marry the OM. I really don't think those plans have changed. She is a force that there is no stopping once she has made up her mind. I don't think I can avoid this D.

I also don't think she's equipped to have a healthy R, either. What happens when she decides that she's no longer happy, but she couldn't possibly expect that her old H would want her back..."Hey, maybe KIDS will make me happy!". And why the hell not? That's what happened the first time around.

I firmly believe there are no coincidences in the world. Two situations years apart that appear to mirror each other sends me a message. One that I have to assume points out some sort of deficiency in me, otherwise I wouldn't be having to repeat this lesson. What is the message? What is it I'm supposed to learn from all of this? Why this same scenario AGAIN? It can't be "sometimes you can do everything right and STILL lose"...I already know that from other experiences in my life.

Universe: you're on notice!...Teaching me with the same piece of $#!+ textbook as the first time around is going to yield the same result! If I didn't "get it" the first time around, what the hell makes you think the same scenario is going to yield different results?!?!?!?!?!? Find another damn way to teach the lesson, so I can get it the hell over with, learn the f-er and get beyond this $#!+!!!!!