PM Thread #4

[PositivelyMommy]

All right, I need everyone's two-cents on this one. Then I did a rash thing. ( I have not done anything rash in eight months and now don't know if I did the right thing or not.)

Background: I have been detaching for the last eight months, keeping to myself and not complaining to my H about anything that he does.

Before I left to visit my dad, I e-mailed him several things that were on the agenda for S since I was leaving him behind and only taking D on my trip. Reason being he has tests that cannot be taken at a later date. I e-mailed him three different times with different topics. Not one word of reply. So the night before I left, I called him ( and I haven't called him for the last eight months) and here is the convo:

Me: I just need some reassurance that S will be taken care of. That you will be here for him because I have e-mailed you and you have not replied, I didn't know if you were mad at me or anything.

H: I am not mad. I am looking forward to spending some boys time together with S. I just thought the e-mails didn't need a reply.

Me: OK. I just need to make sure S is taken care of while I am away because he is pretty upset to be left behind.

So fine, we left it at that. I got an e-mail from H two days later at my dad's to say that S is doing fine with his tests and that everything is OK. I did not reply, thinking that it didn't really need one. It's a father's privilege to look after their own offspring.

I came home last night, D really looking forward to seeing H and her brother. I can sense that H is fishing for compliments on his ability to take care of S. So while he was driving us back from the airport, I said things like, 'When I skyped S, his first response is to tell me what you and he has been doing the night before. I think he really enjoyed his time with you.' (Boy, do men need a lot of compliments) However, H kept checking his watch, I knew he had other plans but bad traffic is not my fault so I watched my body language, making sure I didn't look tense as well. I made small talk and basically asked S about his week.

Back home, H doesn't take off his jacket, he stays for 10 minutes and announces that he is leaving. My D took it well in stride. I roll around with the kids in bed to distract them. I thought we would spend tomorrow together like every weekend since separation so no matter. She can have a full 'family day' with everyone tomorrow. Then after later on, I put the kids to bed, I get an e-mail.

H: I will be travelling for work next week. I need to do some errands tomorrow and will be around at 3pm to see the kids.

My first reaction was to write an e-mail. But here is the rash thing, I was hot under the collar and I called him. I was upset because he rushed out of there as soon as D and I got home, can't wait to get away on his 'me-time', can't even wait an hour till the kids are in bed then he e-mails me to say that he won't be here tomorrow until the afternoon. He could have told me and the kids during the time in the car or at home. He was a wimp and decided to do it thru e-mail, what a coward! I kept my tone non-threatening and calm. Things did get heated up a bit in the middle but I really tried to keep my cool but felt that I had to let him know how I felt or I just would not respect myself and I would be depressed about what a wimp I was.
He is obviously in bar from the background noise of his mobile.

Me: I got your e-mail. I don't think you need to come over tomorrow.

H: Why?

Me: I don't like the way you handled this situation. We should have had a face-to-face, not an e-mail to say that you are going to be late tomorrow. This is not a hotel that you can come and go as you wish. We are your family and your are being disrespectful.

H: Uh... I can change my schedule around and be there for the kids. Are you mad at me for rushing out of the house tonight? I really am just meeting up some friends at a bar. ( I guess, as opposed to having romantic time with OW) I really have a few things I have to do tomorrow since I will be away next week.

Me: No, I am not begruding you of your time out. I am saying that I disagree with the way you handled things. You need to tell me and the kids what you are going to do instead of e-mailing me and then I have to explain to the kids. But you need to look at this from D's point of view. She was looking forward to spending time with you and S.

H: Oh... I am sorry. I was insensitive, I will try to handle things better next time. I really want to see the kids tomorrow.

Me: I am glad that you understand what I mean.

H: I really have been good with S. We've done many things together while you were away.

Me: I want you to know that I think you have done a great job with S while I was gone. I know that. It's obvious in the way that he talks about you when I skype. ( More compliments and validating)

H: Should I still come around tomorrow to see the kids?

Me: I am sure that D would love to see you tomorrow. You can come around if you want.

H: I really have some personal stuff I have to do before the trip and I will try to wrap things up earlier.

Me: OK. Bye.

I know, the 24 hour rule. I should not have called him while my emotions were high. But I couldn't let him treat me like a doormat and babysitter any longer. Like I have no other plans than to take care of the children and wait for him to grace us with his presence. He is totally taken advantage of me. Making plans the night I get back like of course, I would be here to look after the kids and put them to bed. Why wouldn't I? And not thinking of the feelings of his little girl. I feel like I am here to look after the kids so he can feel guilt-free to go drinking with his buds knowing that the kids are happy and taken care of. I think those are the duties of a wife, not a separated wife. I think he is taking a lot of things for granted. His continual need for me to acknowledge that he was a fantastic dad while I was away shows me that subconsciously he DESERVES a night out. It's twisted thinking. I am thinking, well, I had D the whole time as well. And anyway, why is taking care of the kids considered a task that DESERVES any reward? Isn't it a reward in itself? That's why it's twisted.

I am not adverse to complimenting him on doing a good job as a dad. I want him to build up his self-esteem so he gets pleasure and motivated to become an increasingly better father. What I object to is presumption that it is not his privilege or his duty to do it and so if he does look after them then he deserves a reward for it. But if that is so, then I would like a compliment on being a good mother from him as well. Why is it a 'given' that I should be a good mother and that I should thank him everytime that he is a good father????

I am comforted by the fact that he still cares about what I think. This shows me that he has not become totally indifferent to my feelings and opinions. That we still have SOME kind of connection. Where this connection will lead, I cannot predict. I want us to communicate and encourage, not fight. I thought our conversation last night was productive. I set a boundary. 'You should treat us with more respect. This house is not your hotel. We are your family.'

I will see how he behaves from now. If he thought the conversation was productive as well or if he sees it as 'more of the same', i.e. 'here she goes again, getting on my back about things, being a b*tch.' If he sees that it was productive and communication was achieved then I know that he has grown. Not all complaints are bad, some are done to promote better communication. But if he thinks that I am 'on him' again then I know that he cannot see beyond his own anger issues and him seeing me as a controlling authority figure who has to dictate to him. We will see.

Ok, Guys, give it to me.