Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Hello Flicka,

I will just keep the faith. Thank you for believing in me. I am a good man. I will continue making better choices. I know that as I move forward, I will create more good choices for myself as well. That's all I can do at this point in my sitch, and in my life. Thank you. I feel your presence in my life all the way in Sacramento.

I read a quote from French pharmacist, Emile Coue, who around 1920 astonished the world with his work on what blocks people from utilizing our innermost powers. Coue coined the "Law of Reversed Effort": 'When the will and the imagination are in conflict, the imagination invariably wins the day.' I believe here is where I find my will to move away from my XW emotionally being overpowered by my imagination of the possibilities of reconciliation that still have not been completely extinguished. My imagination keeps me in the reconciliation 'game'.

I have been staying with XW this week to care for our children. It's been easier for me logistically without my car. I was talking with my best friend, Wil, and told him the XW 'was kind enough to allow me to stay with her this week. Wil stopped me immediately and said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wo, wo. She let you stay with her because it worked for her; made HER life easier." Perhaps Wil is right. Perhaps I simply want to see XW in the best possible light at all times.

I do know this, God gifted me with an amazing capacity to do great things in my life, but when it comes to dealing powerfully with my XW, I'm the neighbor down the street with a garage full of brand new, shiny tools in a brand new tool box; stickers and price tags still affixed. I've read all of the books and can talk a good game, but I haven't 'owned' by 'knowledge' by putting it all to use are fully realizing how incredibly easy it all really is with both the correct knowledge and practical application of what I've been gifted with and/or obtained through my own efforts. I am working toward being the other neighbor, the one with the time-honored, functional tools that do the job well, are a bit worn from use, and a bit tattered from age. I am working towards following in the steps of Thomas Edison, in his efforts to invent the incandescent light bulb. He made over 10,000 attempts to fashion a working example, but he kept at it, knowing the answer is near; dogged determination and tenacity put to the highest use and effect. It's his determination and tenacity that I aspire to achieve in my efforts to reconcile with my XW. I know the answer is near. I'm staying in the 'game' until my Lord tells me doing so is NOT His will.

This week has made me feel closer to XW. During our separation/divorce/aftermath (S/D/A), I've grown as a man, as an adult. I'm becoming more accpeting of myself as being perfectly human or imperfect. And in growing and learning to accept myself, flaws and all, I'm become moring accepting of others, especially XW, flaws and all. It's strangely liberating...freeing, even.

Last night was an interesting high (low, perhaps?) between XW and I. I talked to her about my inability to emotionally divorce myself from her despite the fact that we ARE divorced, and despite the fact that most of my friends urge me to do so and move on. I explained that my unwillingness to emotionally divorce myself from her has been because I havent' wanted to do so...simple as that. XW looks at me and says she gets the same 'advice' from her friends about the two of us being so 'entwined' and that she's told repeatedly that it's not normal for a divorced couple; it's like we're still married. She also said that if I had divorced her emotionally, she would be crushed. I don't know how to interpret that, so I guess I won't. That moment passed without my pursuing it further. I do know and see that she loves me, but she is still incredibly hurt and afraid of giving herself to me completely because we failed last time. I told her that speaking with her GF Sasha the other night was mind blowing for me because that was the first time that I had ever had another person explain to me what she saw in XW and my relationship/marriage and have it be spot on with how I felt and saw everything. Hope still exists for us to reconcile. Both of us have found glimpses of happiness apart, but those glimpses only make the longing for what we gave up that much more poignant.

This week with XW, she has been uncharacteristically attentive towards me and appreciative of me. I have kept my guard up to NOT take the alluringly attracive bait that her attention is for me because of the aftermath of the previous two times we wound up being intimate and I ended up being blamed. Well, I'm not even sure how it all started, but last night XW says to me, "If I wanted to have s*x with me, you would be all over that."
ME: No, that's not want. Having s*x has never been a challenge for me. You made it clear to me that last time, that THAT's not what you wanted with me.
XS: Well, I'm not drunk and I'll remember everything.
ME: That's not enough. S*x is a small part of you. I'm selfish. I've always wanted everything.
XW: I was married to you.
ME: I know. I was there. I never felt that I had ALL of you. I don't want our old R back. THAT is a recipe for disaster.
XW: I've grown to know who I am and I really like me.
ME: Good. I've grown a great deal in the time we've been apart and that has led me to understand how much growing I still need to do. I've grown so much more incredibly comfortable with WHO I am; more accepting; more forgiving of myself.
XW: So, do you like yourself now?
ME: I do.

I'm comfortable with how far I've come and that I'll always be a work in progress, but God has gifted me with an incredible amount of raw material to mold into a beautiful work of art that is me.
Passionate kissing and scintillating touching occured throughout this exchange. I got what I wanted all along, despite what I said. I undressed her. She then undressed me and give herself to me physically. I wanted to share myself with her, so I did. I woke up this morning, just wanting to sit looking at her. The bond I feel with her and for her is undeniable, despite all that 'stuff' that has passed under the bridge. I'm clear that I as I've become more accepting of myself, I'm more accepting of her. As I've become more certain of who I am, I've become more certain of who she is. I'm becoming clear that the part of her that I was inexorably drawn to and fell in love with, is the part I was wanting to change in her, was wanting her to change.
I am clear that I love her. I am also clear that I have forgiven her for what she's done. Although the behavior is wrong, she can be forgiven. I know some of my behavior has been wrong. I know I have been forgiven by the One who matters. I know she will forgive me soon.

I have several strong men in my life who are working on me separately, to urge me to USE the tools of the manhood trade to become a skilled craftsman through practical experience to realize my potential in my sitch and in life. I don't want to fail because I didn't realize my potential because of my baseless fears. As I've said in the past, my sitch is a tough nut to crack. The fact that I'm involved in it makes it that much more trying. The one thing about my sitch that I do believe is that I've always had the power to determine the fate of my sitch, and that would have been to end it all ages ago. I am happy that the path that I have chosen has kept us both on the same 'playing field' playing the same reconciliation 'game.' I believe more now than ever that we both want us to work out, but both of us are extremely scared of failing again and taking ten steps backwards. Neither of us wants that for ourself, for the other, and for our children.