Shine like the star you are!

[sage]

OK, I need help...

I've been invited to a baby shower for one of the wives in h's "group" (of which ow is part of). There is a good chance that she will be invited and will go. My first inclination was to just go. I like the woman the shower is for...she's actually going to be moving away (far) soon and I also missed her wedding shower (for other reasons). I haven't seen ow since right before the bomb (actually at this woman's wedding, I think!) and I was feeling ok about going and not losing it.

I was just about to send an rsvp saying "I'll be there" and it has occurred to me that I just don't think I can do it...not because I'll lose it or anything but just because I really don't want to see her. not now, not ever. There was a time when I thought that I DID want to see her but I really, simply don't want to.

I don't know why I need support and approval on this...it feels right to not go. but I guess there's a part of me that's wondering?

Anyway...I guess I'm just blathering.

Sage

[sage]

the only answer I have for you is that it seems when these things are left unsaid things go much better. Even letting h know that it's still there from time to time despite all the good stuff doesn't go over to well...there are some who are ok talking about the junk, reflecting, openly "getting over it" together while others just give the intial convo and expect the rest to all fall into place.

LL -- actually, it's a relief to hear you say this...there are times when I think I get caught up in the "there's something wrong with you if you can't talk about this stuff" world -- even though I KNOW that NOT having R talks works better for us...and even Michele says "you don't have to talk about every feeling"....

I think that things have been going extremely well in your sit..your h is loving and attentive and so many other things...let his actions show you that things are better that there is nothing to fear...ok so there will never be NOTHING to fear but I'd say right now the junk you are feeling is your own yes a result of h's indiscretion but still your own junk.

I don't know what you could possibly mean by that

Thanks, LL. I think you're right on the money.

Sage

[sage]

Afterthought here, have you read Romancing your Husband? Kim talked about it on her thread and said it is a good book. I haven't read it, don't know if any flirting techniques in it or not!

I haven't! Let me put it on "the list". Thanks for looking out for me, Pam!

Sage

[Trying24now]

Sage my .02,

The shower ISN'T about you, your M, the OW etc. It is soley about the celebration of your gf's imminent blessed event.

The expectant mother IS your friend, and as your friend you 'owe' her (perhaps to strong a word) the 'gift' of your presence at the shower.

There's nothing that says you have to interact with OW or stay for the full duration of the party. You can enter with a huge hug and hello to the 'mom-to-be' and espouse your regrets that you can't stay long because you or you and H have another engagement in another hour of so.
That way, you've shown your face, stood there proudly in the devil's space and been gracious to your friend.

Ultimately you must do what will feel RIGHT for you. But know that if YOU don't go and she does...she gets to feel smug in her ability to force you out.
JMHO
T2

[lostlove]

hmmmmm...a toughie....me I'd go and be proud..be strong...be there and welcomed by the other wives...a place you belong..from what I gather the other wives DON't like her all that much anyway and it would be HER who felt uncomfortable as she should!

if you can go and realize the above then by all means GO...but if you are not at a place yet where you can shut her out and ignore her then you'll have to miss out.

me I'd go just for the evilishness about it...I'd go and be as cheery and comfy as possible with the other wives and ignore her...not even give her the decency of eye contact...but we all know I'm a tad evil.

LL

[sage]

Would you mind saying what about what you scanned in that book freaked you out? I ask because I have become gun shy about reading since so many of the books spin my head and heart around. I guess I'm not ready to deal/face some of the truth/reality of the intricacies of all this insanity.


T2

Sure...it's gonna be somewhat of a stream of consciousness, though...

I guess what freaked me out (and I really only skimmed some of the chapters) is what I'd call the tremendous and sometimes insurmountable obstacle of healing from this hurt (both of us, actually) and keeping it from happening again.

I think I was already feeling overtired and stressed out and all of a sudden, I just felt this tremendous burden of having to keep this "ship" righted all by myself. And I just had this feeling of "crap. I really don't know if I have the stamina to do this". I dunno -- to keep all the I's dotted and the T's crossed...to keep "on lookout" for signs ardently enough that I'll spot trouble but NOT SO ardently that I cause it. So, to strike the balance between careful attention and paranoia. THEN, when I start thinking about THAT I start remembering the powerless, painful, out of control, sad, horrible feeling of LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME when I KNEW that h was involved in an a, confronted him on it and got lies. So...I think I got caught up last night in "crap...what if I DO feel that way again? how will I stand it? what will I do? how will I know?"

Now...all of this is negative thinking, runaway thinking, catastrophizing, projecting into the future, etc etc. Not good stuff. I don't think it's that I'll NEVER be able to read the book...just that for a whole bunch of reasons (stress, anniversary of height of lying by h during his a, my own "junk", etc) I just can't do it right now.

I need to get to the place (and I've visited! I just haven't established permanent residence) where I KNOW some things -- that I'm responsible for my part of the m, that I'm responsible for my fidelity, not h's, that I'll be OK no matter what, that we BOTH have grown from this experience and no matter what else happens it will NEVER be the same thing, that ... you get the point.

Sage

[sage]

I think I was already feeling overtired and stressed out and all of a sudden, I just felt this tremendous burden of having to keep this "ship" righted all by myself.

Replying to my own post...how lame...

I did want to say that much of the time I realize that in no way am I keeping the m afloat alone...h has been busting his butt, growing, reaching out, reinforcing, all kinds of wonderful stuff.

What I got hung up on last night was the "how will we keep this from happening again?", "It just won't" conversation that we had...combined with the book which read like "if you can't do these 10 things you are DOOMED" and I just freaked.

What I need to do is take a step back (heck, I'll take two) and see all the things that h is doing to work on "this not happening again" and NOT get hung up on needing to HEAR something just right from him.

Same old bad pattern, slightly different topic.

Sage

[lostlove]

Same old bad pattern, slightly different topic.

it becomes less and less of a pattern each time you recognize it and take hold of those feelings before you let yourself get to a point where you're draggin out the suitcase . You're working hard at breaking all the patterns sage...try not to look at the yuck that presents itself as same old pattern instead look at how much better you are at dealing with it.

or rather (ok so I'm getting a clue that I tend to say the same thing like 3 times within my posts to everyone) it's not a pattern per se' but more a recognition of yourself...where it becomes a "pattern" is when you allow yourself to walk the same crappy path again and again wich you are NOT doing! so no pattern!

LL

[Hud]

hey - stop that! you're not lame!

Just keep working on the positives and let the negatives flow on by (you told me something similar once).

Speaking of lame, in trying to keep my promise of not posting on my thread, I'll use yours to say that some interesting stuff's happened to me the last 36 hrs!!!
We'll see. Off to the Big Apple - hang tough my friend!

Hud

[talitsa]

hmmmmm...a toughie....me I'd go and be proud..be strong...be there and welcomed by the other wives...a place you belong..from what I gather the other wives DON't like her all that much anyway and it would be HER who felt uncomfortable as she should!

if you can go and realize the above then by all means GO...but if you are not at a place yet where you can shut her out and ignore her then you'll have to miss out.

me I'd go just for the evilishness about it...I'd go and be as cheery and comfy as possible with the other wives and ignore her...not even give her the decency of eye contact...but we all know I'm a tad evil.

I wholeheartedly agree with the evil LL.

You can borrow my Tourettes Syndrome for awhile if you need to! Bwahahahahah!