I like it Rob! Very neutral and clear, but also stating to her that you do not agree that you are putting money over your daughter.
I was pretty shocked by her email acutally, the anger, the blame, the unfairness in what she said.. and the thing that made ME angry (and your honoured, as I never get angry!) is where she said she had offered you more time with D.. as if its HERS to offer, your her Dad for chrissakes. Its like Kramer v Kramer! I dont get it, men have as much right to see their children as woman do, or is that some kind of spaceage outlandish view!?? Should be 50/50, unless it would be detrimental to the children in some way.
Strange how that anger can live on for so long, no? Though I'm not D yet, I do see that anger often - most days when she picks up our baby from me in the evenings.
I think it's good to be assertive - and not to involve yourself in her kinds of anger or issues - since she does seem to want to push you into a role that she imagined you played before...and that's not who you are.
I'll share with that you I've been looking into the teaching opportunities out here - and am surprised at how hard it's been to find one...I'm still thinking long-term, however -and so hope to get back into teaching by next Fall...I might be able to line up some teaching for this summer, though.
Hello my friends. I'll update you now and then look to answer individually to you and check in w/your sitches later.
First, my mother is in town and she's been doing an excellent job w/helping to clean and clear out the apartment. She is at home w/ D today and they are going through all of her clothes, toys and other "stuff" as the decided what to keep and what to pitch to help us w/the clutter. That is a HUGE help and D is super excited to be able to spend time w/"Grandma Washington."
For me, I'm tired, but doing ok. I haven't slept much this week as having someone around to help has energized me a bit. My mother being in town has helped me to get focused and back to work on the apartment, so as a result, I've been up later and still have to get up early. Oh, well. The bright side is I've made it this far and can sleep in this weekend.
XW finally responded to my e-mail and to no one's surprised, she looked to turn in back on me. Here is what she wrote:
Quote:
If you think (D) is a victim, then you will treat her as such and establish in her the victim mentality. Don't perpetuate that cycle. She is not a victim and divorce does not have to be negative. It can be positive if you choose to see it and present it that way.
Have (the pension attorney)contact me.
I'm not sure what to respond, if anything, as of yet. There most likely won't be a reply, but I do find it interesting that she is claiming I have the victim mentality when I've never expressed that before. If I had to go Freudian on her, I'd say there is a bit of displacement and denial coming from XW. Her issues are being placed on to me. I find it interesting and sad.
On the other hand, she may have finally received my point and maybe, just maybe, the seeds have been planted that I won't allow her to attempt to emotionally blackmail me anymore.
For now, I'm just looking forward to the last 1 1/2 hours of the day going by so I can concentrate on putting the wraps on this week and heading home.
I'll catch up w/everyone either later today or this weekend...I've got to get back to tending to my study hall now as the bell is going to ring.
Seriously Rob, shes insane (no offence, seeing as you M the woman).
I cannot imagine for one nanosecond that I would fire off an email like that to my ex, had we had a child together arrogantly stating that D doesnt have to be a negative thing. No.. but wheres the humility? Wheres the self-swareness? wheres the acknowledgement that this WILL be hard on Grace, possibly is now and it needs careful management? 2 parents pulling together, some sensitivity.. god seriously, she needs HELP. I'm talking intensive therapy.... "it can be positive if you choose to see it and present it that way"... WTF !!????? Yes, for her. Yes for you, if it were mutual, but then yes, no matter how painful, it has released you to be with someone who truly loves you. But I dont know how she can just state that, its never easy on kids when their parents split up and I dont see her behaving in ways that are going to negate some of those difficulties. If anything, she has acted in ways that could only amplify them.
Seriously, I feel for you so much getting such nasty, vitriolic contact from her since the day this started. Its nothing but damaging and vile, SHES the one thats negative, she is consumed with anger and bitterness toward you and has no forgiveness in her heart.
SORRY FOR RANTING! but I just want to shake your W. Look after yourself Rob, are you having IC still? How does the therapist think you could resond? Maybe set up a session if you havent been going, this is getting out of hand IMHO and you need to get some peace between the two of you, for the sake of Grace.
Theres an email answer.. "W, I wish you peace in your heart and between us, for the sake of Grace"
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Rob, I was just about to write the same thing that Kerry wrote...it seems like she's very determined to get you into a role she has for you - and that's just not yours to play.
The email aside, you sound great - and I'm so happy for you that your mother is there to give you a hand - and to help you feel energized. I find that when my S11 is home with me I get that same kind of boost - it's very special.
As you know, your XW has a lot of unresolved issues - and so it just makes sense that she would throw some of those on to you - it's much easier than having to face them herself, after all...and she's given you no indication that she's interested in that kind of intense self-reflection.
One thing that really struck me when reading the email from your XW was the tone - it's such a familiar tone to me - one that relies on an unnecessary level of aggressiveness in order to hide a lot of doubt and confusion.
Glad you're getting settled...and by now you should be well into your weekend!
Ali, I agree w/you completely that this is a textbook case of projection. She's a zoo, but is so steeped in denial and depression that she'll never get it.
Although I'd love to be able to send her something, I have to agree w/Kerry, Kalni, Jeff, and Carlos and let it die here. My next conversation w/her on this subject will be after I've contacted the pension attorney and started my end of things.
As for me, I'm doing ok. My mother was in town for the past five or so days and she was a great help in getting my apartment settled quite a bit. The kitchen is set up in a functional way, there is now shelf paper in all the drawers and on the shelves, each sink has contact paper under it, and all cardboard boxes are emptied and their contents have been sorted and put away.
D's room is done and mine is also cleaned up. The bathrooms no longer have "stuff" on the counters, but instead have everything neatly in drawers and under the cabinets. I'm now left w/sorting books, tools, tax records, and educational materials I've collected (and kept for whatever reason) over the years.
The sense of relief I feel is tremendous and I can't thank my mother enough.
On the XW front, she asked me if I wanted to let D stay last night w/my mother and I would just take her to school in the morning today. Of course I jumped on it, but I'm also smart enough to know she didn't do it b/c she was nice. I'm convinced she made this offer so she wouldn't have to face my mom at the drop off.
She's guilty and knows it and her subconscious made her extremely uncomfortable w/this possible meeting. She can't handle it and was "sick" last night as well. A coincidence? I don't think so. She had a terrible headache, sore throat, and was all congested last night. I spoke w/her and she sounded terrible. One day earlier, she sounded fine.
I'm probably reading more into it than I should, but it seems like an interesting connection to me.
As many of you have said, I'm beginning to feel that you were all correct when you said for me to wait b/c I'll be "offered" more and more time w/my D as time goes on. I think this is the tip of the ice berg from my XW b/c as long as she continues to deny and project, she'll continue to find herself too "overwhelmed" (as she puts it) to watch D full time.
