I once posted on here a year ago but can't find the thread to link it to this one so I will give quick details.
My H and I have been M for almost 3 years, together for 5 1/2, and have been having trouble since the first year. I have 2 D's from previous relationships and he has no kids. He works over the road and is gone half of the time, it has been this way since we met. This actually works for me because of how unhappy this R is. Last year on Jan. 4th he filed for a divorce, we went through everything of seperating all of our stuff and having the papers drawn up then sat and waited for the 90 days to get here. One week to go and we talked. Mind you I never wanted the divorce in the first place so when he said that he wanted to give it another try I was elated. I said yes and he moved back home. We filed for a continuance on the divorce, not just dropping it. We were getting 90 days to see if it would work and if it did we would drop it, if it did not work we could still go through with it. 90 days was great, we were doing great, we were treating each other good, we had minor disagreements not full blown arguments...everything was the way that I believed our M could be. 91 days and bam here came the mean, selfish, arrogant man that I prayed would never come back. So here we are almost 7 months after the papers got dropped and I am so ready to run again.
My H is the cruelest, most selfish human being I have ever met. He beleives that since he makes almost 5 times as much as I do that I am never going to amount to anything, that he will always be better than me, and that I don't deserve anything. This is actual quotes from my H. He makes almost $95,000 a year, I make $20,000 at my job. I love my job, I am home when the kids get on the bus or off, I can leave at a moments notice to get them if they are sick and I am able to pay the bills that I am required to pay. Anyway....our fights are always the same, money, kids, sex, and family.
Family...he hates then, they hate him.
Sex...I am 31 have been in menopause since 25 and have ABSOLUTLY no desire. He has it on his mind alot and wants it all the time. I can't have sex with my H when I am not interested in it.
Kids...I am a yeller and he is a spanker. He thinks everything that I do with the kids is the wrong way and tells me all the time that 'if they were his kids then I would have to do it his way' or 'they won't amount to anything if they take after you'
money...whats his is his, whats mine is his, mine, and the girls to be shared with him getting the most of it. He pays all of the big bills (house payments, insurance, gas, ect.) and I pay the little bills (elec., TV, trash, etc.) Plus I buy everything that is needed to keep a house running and almost everything that my D's need. And run the farm when he is gone. He gets $900-1500 a week, I get $1278 once a month. If I need to ask him for extra for something then I have to do a sexual favor to get it.
My H says some very mean things to me when we argue, he tells me that I am no good, will never be good enough, that I am flabby, that I am ugly, that he does not love me when we argue, that he hopes my girls will get taken from me if we get a D, tells me that my privates smell because I am always cheating on him, that I should just go sleep with a n***er (please do not get mad at me for quoting my H here, I am trying to tell the truth about my M and I am having to tone down the nasty words that he uses, please don't flag this for the n word.), says I am a gold digger, says that I am not a good mom to my girls. I could go on and on and on.
I am not perfect either, I throw it in his face that he cheated on me the first year that we were together, that he was the quitter of the M cuz he filed for a D instead of trying, and I call him names like a*****e, and tell him that he is a worthless piece of s***. I do not keep my tounge and I know that it is wrong. I have never cheated on him, take showers daily, and I do believe that I am a good mom.
Does anyone have any advice about what I can do about this M that I am in. I feel like getting out but he constantly tells me that if we get a D that it won't be like last time. He was giving me a rental house, all my stuff, and $5000 as long as he got all his stuff, the farm, and I left his 401k, pension, and annuity alone. I had agreed to all of that. Now he says I will not get anything like that this time. I don't deserve any of it because all I am is the part time worker and the rest of the time I am a stay at home mommy. I will never be at the same level in life that he is.
I have read the books, tried the techniques, gone to a councelor, (her advice was to run while I could), lurked on here for a long time, I am still lost as to what I should be doing. I don't think that my M is good at all, a -1 on the scale from 1-10. Please help if you can. Sorry this was so long, but it helped to vent and is really hard to find a stopping point.
