Shine like the star you are!

[sage]

Got myself mired in sadness last night...of my own accord...but it impacted my night with h so I'll journal it here.

Had a bunch of things on my mind yesterday...some sad threads here on the BB, some not so great memories of this time last year. I was feeling overwhelmed by work and school, too. Went to the library and stumbled across the book "Not Just Friends" -- it's on my list of things to read but I'm just not ready right now -- it's essentially about protecting your m. from infidelity, healing from betrayal, etc. It's very focused on the establishment of boundaries in terms of outside friendships. Y'all know this is at the forefront of my mind right now...anyway...I flipped through it, freaked myself out a bit.

I got home and for the first time in a L_O_N_G time I felt suspicious and unsure...I dunno...the house smelled like cigarettes (or was it from the toaster oven? our new neighbors smoking outside???)-- who would be in the house that smokes? I went into high anxiety mode -- haven't been there in a while -- and started focusing on all that I don't know and can't control. Yikes.

THEN, I did myself the disservice of watching the end of a girly movie...you know the kind...when the hero and heroine overcome the obstacles and end in a passionate embrace. The key word there is passionate. TBH, I haven't been experiencing as much, um, passion as I would like...it's been something I've been mulling over as a "new DB goal" and I haven't really figured it out yet.

Anyway...you can see where I'm going:
afraid
mired in thoughts of a
mired in thoughts it will happen again
feeling physically undesirable and "not enough" or "not something for h"

Met h for drinks. He talked about school and his study group. I wanted to ask questions about the people in it but felt like I would sound controlling or jealous. He asked about my day (a positive! he's doing that all the time lately). I felt boring and stupid answering.

I made some leading comment about S-E-X. I felt like he looked at me as though I had rocks in my head. How am I supposed to learn how to flirt with my h if comments like that fall flat? Note to self...not the kind of flirting h wants????

Got home. Felt tired, sad, unloveable, scared, whatever.

Went to bed and cried a few tears. H noticed and asked what was wrong. I said "Nothing. I just had a long day." (trying to be sensitive to the fact that he doesn't like these conversations late at night). He said "I had a long day too but I'm not crying".

Tiptoed around each other this morning until it was time to leave. I gave him a kiss goodbye and said "I'm sorry about last night". He said "are you allright?". I said "I'm ok. Don't worry about it." He said "OK. Well, I'll probably still worry a little".

So...I think it's good that I cram all of my crappy DB'ing into one day -- don't you????? Runaway thinking, ASSumptions, EXPECTATIONS, MIND READING, being passive-aggressive, crying, focusing on past and future (not present), doing what DOESN'T work.

Question is....should I bring any of this up with h? I wanted to say to him last night "look, I'm gonna get sad sometimes and I don't want to have to apologize for it". I even tried to count the number of times I've cried in his presence in the last year (4?). But...he's NOT being a jerk...he wanted to know what was up...

How do I say:
sometimes I still get mad/sad about the past

I'm still very worried about the future -- "it won't happen again" is not a good enough answer for me

I'm worried about our life

etc.

The answer is, of course, that I won't go steamrolling ahead and tell him all of these things...is there something I can tell him, though?

Inquiring minds want to know,
Sage