She can't make up her mind

[Still Waters]

Bariga, there is no way your W is going to be able to end her A while staying friends with the OM. This whole notion that she has to "sort it out" is just a stalling tactic on her part. Sort it out? Here's how she can sort it out: End the affair and have no contact with the OM. Period. Anything short of that and you can expect her A to continue for many months ahead.

You did the right thing by confronting your W about her splitting time between you and the OM. You took a stand. She was cake eating, big time, and she was disrespecting you every single day she went back and forth between you and the OM.

I think that your W wants you to move to this other city so she can have her A without you in the picture at all. And she's also asking you to set up a situation where she could join you if she wants to. If you do that, then congratulations, you will have become your W's safety net if the relationship with the OM doesn't work out. If you're OK with that, then by all means, go for it. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I took that stance, but some guys are able to suck it up and do that. Do what you feel is right.

But I do think that right now you need to go dark with your W. Stop talking about the M and work on yourself. Your W even told you to do that. She said that you have no control over her relationship with OM and that worrying about it only hinders your success. So forget about the affair, forget about your W (for now), and work on yourself! Become financially stable, get your emotions in check (go to therapy, read books, whatever it takes), and become a strong, confident, compassionate man. That isn't going to happen overnight, but you need to start on that road NOW. And when you do see your W, SHOW her the changes in you. Don't waste your time telling her about how you have or will change. She wants to SEE that you've changed, not hear about how you will change.

And stop saying that you have lost. Thinking like that will doom you for sure. You haven't lost. Not by a long shot. The question is, do you have enough fight left in you to keep going? Because you have a very long road ahead if you want to save your M.