Shine like the star you are!

[sage]

also - i have a question for you. can you remember 3.5 months post bomb, and how you were feeling? i was doing really well there for awhile not thinking about the affair or concentrating on the OW yet over the last two weeks i have been having dreams again and i find myself focusing on how FOOLISH they both made me feel during all the time i thought they were doing something and they talked me out of that thinking. i think i have nailed my negativity on "feeling like a fool"

i just want to cry when i think of any joy they might have gotten out of "well, we fooled her again, she believed us again" and them doing whatever affair people do. that just sickens me to the point of wanting to yack.

yup, thinking i am the fool, that is where i am right now - bringing tears.

did you go thru this?

kitti

Kitti....yes. I did go through that. Hell, I sometimes still go through it. It's interesting that you bring this up because I realized the other day that while I'm doing well forgiving h the actual r with ow, it's the lying and coniving (both of them since I know ow, too) that still eats me up. Definitely the "feeling like a fool" feeling. I recently passed the "anniversary" of what was probably the height of their scheming...that was a bigtime toughie for me.

I don't want to scare you but the feeling of not being so focused on ow and the a, etc is actually still fairly new for me. Well...I've gone through many positive cycles in the last 10 months but I was VERY cyclic (bouncing between positive and negative) until fairly recently (in the last 2 months?).

So...sweetie...at 3.5 months I was fully embroiled in the ups and downs...seeing the positives one day and feeling back enmeshed in the a and its aftermath the next.

I still get really, really sad sometimes. (Friday I didn't post much because I was so sad) but it did definitely heal slowly but surely.

There were times when I tried to pull myself out of the negativity and times when I knew that I just had to sit with it. One thing I learned, though, is to try to keep the "stories" you tell yourself to a minimum (NOT easy). Feel sad and whatever else you want but if you can avoid spinning some yarn, I think your mind and body will be better off.

You've been through a horrendous thing, Kitti. I've seen it called a "trauma" and the aftermath compared to "post traumatic stress". I don't think either assertion is incorrect.

Sage

[psluke]

Sage,

Thank you for this post to Kitti. I didn't realize you felt that foolish feeling. I think in some ways that gets me more than some of the rest! That she kept being nice to my face and coming over here and acting like she was still my friend!

I have also found WHEN I can stop myself telling stories to myself I do deal with the feelings faster and just in general do better.

[talitsa]

Sage & Kitti:
I think that the "feeling like a fool" and "being made a fool of" is one of the biggest parts of the humiliation I have felt.

I've recently identified that the feeling of being humiliated is one the things that fuels pain, anger, and mistrust in a big way.

In reality, though, I didn't choose to go outside of our relationship or do any of the other really ugly thing that A's are made up of.

In reality, H never intended to cause me humiliation.

In reality, the feeling of foolishness and humiliation has more to do with my own ego and also worrying about what OTHER people may think about my sitch.

[Trying24now]

Tal,

In reality, the feeling of foolishness and humiliation has more to do with my own ego and also worrying about what OTHER people may think about my sitch.

Yep, my sentiments exactly!
T2

[psluke]

Hi Tal,

THAT is a really good point that I intend to remember.

It helps thank you for posting that thought.

[sage]

I didn't realize you felt that foolish feeling. I think in some ways that gets me more than some of the rest! That she kept being nice to my face and coming over here and acting like she was still my friend!

Pam -- Goddness! My thread is filled with angst and sadness and irritation and anger and all that crud! I think you're being swayed by my "3 positives"

In my sitch the ow went out of her way to befriend me...emails, chit chat, etc. She emailed me once about whether or not I was uncomfortable with her going to some event that the wives weren't invited to ("I won't go if any of the "wives" are uncomfortable). I know now that the appropriate answer is: Well, are you having an affair with my h? If so, I am uncomfortable.

h tells me that he has no idea why she sought me out so aggressively. (Um, because she's a narcissistic freak? Oh, wait, that's my answer).

Sage

[sage]

Got myself mired in sadness last night...of my own accord...but it impacted my night with h so I'll journal it here.

Had a bunch of things on my mind yesterday...some sad threads here on the BB, some not so great memories of this time last year. I was feeling overwhelmed by work and school, too. Went to the library and stumbled across the book "Not Just Friends" -- it's on my list of things to read but I'm just not ready right now -- it's essentially about protecting your m. from infidelity, healing from betrayal, etc. It's very focused on the establishment of boundaries in terms of outside friendships. Y'all know this is at the forefront of my mind right now...anyway...I flipped through it, freaked myself out a bit.

I got home and for the first time in a L_O_N_G time I felt suspicious and unsure...I dunno...the house smelled like cigarettes (or was it from the toaster oven? our new neighbors smoking outside???)-- who would be in the house that smokes? I went into high anxiety mode -- haven't been there in a while -- and started focusing on all that I don't know and can't control. Yikes.

THEN, I did myself the disservice of watching the end of a girly movie...you know the kind...when the hero and heroine overcome the obstacles and end in a passionate embrace. The key word there is passionate. TBH, I haven't been experiencing as much, um, passion as I would like...it's been something I've been mulling over as a "new DB goal" and I haven't really figured it out yet.

Anyway...you can see where I'm going:
afraid
mired in thoughts of a
mired in thoughts it will happen again
feeling physically undesirable and "not enough" or "not something for h"

Met h for drinks. He talked about school and his study group. I wanted to ask questions about the people in it but felt like I would sound controlling or jealous. He asked about my day (a positive! he's doing that all the time lately). I felt boring and stupid answering.

I made some leading comment about S-E-X. I felt like he looked at me as though I had rocks in my head. How am I supposed to learn how to flirt with my h if comments like that fall flat? Note to self...not the kind of flirting h wants????

Got home. Felt tired, sad, unloveable, scared, whatever.

Went to bed and cried a few tears. H noticed and asked what was wrong. I said "Nothing. I just had a long day." (trying to be sensitive to the fact that he doesn't like these conversations late at night). He said "I had a long day too but I'm not crying".

Tiptoed around each other this morning until it was time to leave. I gave him a kiss goodbye and said "I'm sorry about last night". He said "are you allright?". I said "I'm ok. Don't worry about it." He said "OK. Well, I'll probably still worry a little".

So...I think it's good that I cram all of my crappy DB'ing into one day -- don't you????? Runaway thinking, ASSumptions, EXPECTATIONS, MIND READING, being passive-aggressive, crying, focusing on past and future (not present), doing what DOESN'T work.

Question is....should I bring any of this up with h? I wanted to say to him last night "look, I'm gonna get sad sometimes and I don't want to have to apologize for it". I even tried to count the number of times I've cried in his presence in the last year (4?). But...he's NOT being a jerk...he wanted to know what was up...

How do I say:
sometimes I still get mad/sad about the past

I'm still very worried about the future -- "it won't happen again" is not a good enough answer for me

I'm worried about our life

etc.

The answer is, of course, that I won't go steamrolling ahead and tell him all of these things...is there something I can tell him, though?

Inquiring minds want to know,
Sage

[lostlove]

The answer is, of course, that I won't go steamrolling ahead and tell him all of these things...is there something I can tell him, though?

sorry sage,

the only answer I have for you is that it seems when these things are left unsaid things go much better. Even letting h know that it's still there from time to time despite all the good stuff doesn't go over to well...there are some who are ok talking about the junk, reflecting, openly "getting over it" together while others just give the intial convo and expect the rest to all fall into place.

I think that things have been going extremely well in your sit..your h is loving and attentive and so many other things...let his actions show you that things are better that there is nothing to fear...ok so there will never be NOTHING to fear but I'd say right now the junk you are feeling is your own yes a result of h's indiscretion but still your own junk.

let's not forget the words you heard last week "if you wake up and are scared, wake me and I'll keep you safe"
that among the many other things you're hearing and seeing sage should say something to you.

LL

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

I'm not sure you should share right now as you may still be emotional and not deal with it as well in the sharing as you would with a little more distance or time from the feelings, maybe if you do share anything do it in an email that you can take lots of time writing and rereading and deciding if you even want to send!

I still think must be something to this full moon thing! I'm a wreck today and you have been just cruising along lately and you have bad day! Then there's Shiny, and Kitti and Puck and Tal.

So maybe I need to stop reading and do something else for a day!

I sure hope you have a great day today!!!

{{{{{Sage}}}}}}

Afterthought here, have you read Romancing your Husband? Kim talked about it on her thread and said it is a good book. I haven't read it, don't know if any flirting techniques in it or not!

[Trying24now]

Sage,

You said that the book,

"Not Just Friends"

, made you

freak out a bit

. Would you mind saying what about what you scanned in that book freaked you out? I ask because I have become gun shy about reading since so many of the books spin my head and heart around. I guess I'm not ready to deal/face some of the truth/reality of the intricacies of all this insanity.

Also, you wondered if you could say to your H:

"look, I'm gonna get sad sometimes and I don't want to have to apologize for it".

I think you absolutely can say it and should. I have said that to my H because I felt he needed to know that my occasional wistful sadness in his presence is ME dealing with the demons and NOT something he's doing presently. I think letting him know that has help illeviate(sp?) his 'flight' mechanism at those times.

T2