I'm afraid her therapist is not benefiting her. She recommended my wife read a couple of Byron Katie books. If you don't know her, check her out on youtube searching her name and add "Isreal" to it. She full of psuedo-psycho babble. She's also read "The Awakening Heart", kind of new-age stuff that doesn't make any sense to me. But if that's what she needs, then whatever.
When I stopped being Mr.Nice Guy and started loving & respecting myself, stopped doing things for her and stopped rationalizing her behavior I felt much better about myself.
Robx,
How did this method end up working for you?
Together since Feb. 2003 Maried since July 2007 Bomb occured early Dec. 2008 She's approved for a lease mid Feb. 2009 (deciding on if to take it or not)
It's Saturday. When I'm home on Saturday I help with the weekly cleaning around the house. I will wait until I can't hear her - maybe she'll be in the shower - then I'll clean the bathroom that I use and go back to my new space in my man-cave. I got to let her do it all herself so she can see what she's in for. Unrelated to this, through last summer, we like to have cookouts at our house or my BIL's. There was a spice that my W liked on the steaks, but couldn't find for the last 2 years. I found it the other day and sent an email to my W upstairs showing her where to buy it. The spice arrived yesterday. When I pointed it out to her, she didn't thank me, only asked me if she should congratulate me instead. Totally ungrateful.
I may be an insight into your wife. I was the one who had the affair in my relationship. What your wife is doing and how she is acting screams affair or that she is about to. I started by going out with friends a lot, too. Anything to get out of the house and smiling and having fun. My H made me feel less than special, not to mention that I was depressed. At that point there was nothing my H could do that didn't make me p&ssed off. Does that mean there is nothing you can do? No! Start thinking about those things that she has said to you over and over and over that she needed from you, that perhaps you brushed off as unimportant. Take a hard look at yourself. Be honest. Start doing those things. Also, do what others have suggested. Work on yourself. 180s. Be strong, confident, attractive, happy...someone that ANYONE would want to be around.
The topic that keeps coming up is the possibility of an EA/PA. She swears that's not true. She says she would never to that to our kids. She has said the same thing to my SIL whom she confides in. My SIL doesn't want to get in the middle of it, but she lets me know how I'm doing after she's talked to my W.I've asked one of the woman she goes to visit, she says the same thing. I don't think I'm being naive when I think she's not having an A as she has always been very self-conscious about her body going back to incidents as a young teenager. She still thinks she's a slut and carries that shame and guilt with her to this day. Maybe since she has lost weight she has more self-confidence in her self and she might be waiting to start something after/if we do D, but I truly believe she's not at that point yet. I think maybe she thinks she needs to be with someone like a therapist who can relate to her 24/7.
She also thinks (after almost 20 years of marriage), that she married me for the wrong reason. She felt secure with me because of the rejection she got from other guys when we split up several times while dating. She really is attractive. I've never understood that part of her personality. I always told her she was attractive, that she turned me on ect...
When I stopped being Mr.Nice Guy and started loving & respecting myself, stopped doing things for her and stopped rationalizing her behavior I felt much better about myself.
Robx,
How did this method end up working for you?
When I did this and did it successfully (not an act, it was real, took a while to get to that point for it to be real), that is when my wife stopped treating me poorly.
When I stopped pursuing her and talking about the relationship and the marriage, that is when she starting making small talk about it.
When I stopped telling her that I loved her, that is when I started to hear a little bit of it from her.
When I stopped acting like & being a door mat, she stopped walking all over me and developed more respect for me. When I stopped moping & wallowing in self pity and got a life, she developed more respect for me and started asking me where I was going and what I was doing. When I she realized that I have a better relationship with my kids than she does, she got jealous and commented that they listened to me more, respected me more and had more fun with me.
To get different results, you have to do different things.
Aside from all that though, for someone to be able to love & respect you, you have to be able to love & respect yourself more than anyone else in your life.
Is the marriage reconciled? No
Do I think about it everyday? No
My wife does bring it up more often now because I don't talk about it. She also days when she throws temper tantrums and those are the day I pay less attention to her, I won't reward her poor behavior by giving her my attention.
So if you want to know how this worked, I am personally in a better position now in my life than I was last year, I'm a better man than I've been in my whole life - so this worked good, I'm doing good and I'm only getting better. ;-)
I have stopped pursuing, pouting, saying I love you, telling her she's a babe,buying things, writing notes, talking about us, ect... I did it for months after getting bombed last fall when I didn't know how to react. I've read DR among other books to give me ideas as to how to change my behavior. I am taking care of myself, I went out with an old buddy of mine last night and slept over without calling the W to tell her. I've never done that before. I changed my hairstyle, bought new cloths, dress better around the house, started working out, making meals from recipes I find, among other things. I still have to give this more time to see any effect it might have on the W. I'm also very patient and I've always been an optimist. We'll see.
I was upset, I think justifiably, at what I took to be put-downs by the W today. She told me I was invisible to her as she walked away while bringing something upstairs today. I am trying to be invisible, she was in my space downstairs when she said it. The "spice" incident - see above - post #1721561, also upset me. I told her if the only way she can feel better about herself is by putting me down, then she's not as far along as she seems to think she is. She said I had 20 years to fix things and figure things out. When I got bombed last fall, she said it was her, not me. Now it is me.
