Shine like the star you are!

[sage]

also - i have a question for you. can you remember 3.5 months post bomb, and how you were feeling? i was doing really well there for awhile not thinking about the affair or concentrating on the OW yet over the last two weeks i have been having dreams again and i find myself focusing on how FOOLISH they both made me feel during all the time i thought they were doing something and they talked me out of that thinking. i think i have nailed my negativity on "feeling like a fool"

i just want to cry when i think of any joy they might have gotten out of "well, we fooled her again, she believed us again" and them doing whatever affair people do. that just sickens me to the point of wanting to yack.

yup, thinking i am the fool, that is where i am right now - bringing tears.

did you go thru this?

kitti

Kitti....yes. I did go through that. Hell, I sometimes still go through it. It's interesting that you bring this up because I realized the other day that while I'm doing well forgiving h the actual r with ow, it's the lying and coniving (both of them since I know ow, too) that still eats me up. Definitely the "feeling like a fool" feeling. I recently passed the "anniversary" of what was probably the height of their scheming...that was a bigtime toughie for me.

I don't want to scare you but the feeling of not being so focused on ow and the a, etc is actually still fairly new for me. Well...I've gone through many positive cycles in the last 10 months but I was VERY cyclic (bouncing between positive and negative) until fairly recently (in the last 2 months?).

So...sweetie...at 3.5 months I was fully embroiled in the ups and downs...seeing the positives one day and feeling back enmeshed in the a and its aftermath the next.

I still get really, really sad sometimes. (Friday I didn't post much because I was so sad) but it did definitely heal slowly but surely.

There were times when I tried to pull myself out of the negativity and times when I knew that I just had to sit with it. One thing I learned, though, is to try to keep the "stories" you tell yourself to a minimum (NOT easy). Feel sad and whatever else you want but if you can avoid spinning some yarn, I think your mind and body will be better off.

You've been through a horrendous thing, Kitti. I've seen it called a "trauma" and the aftermath compared to "post traumatic stress". I don't think either assertion is incorrect.

Sage