Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Flicka,

Thank you for your concern. I am doing OK, it's just that the darkness seems to keep getting darker. Since I last posted, I moved from my place, received the disappointing report from my accident, am still unemployed, and on and on and on..., but I believe I do see the bottom of my free fall, which is a good thing. I'm weary from the downs in my life. Some ups would be welcome.

On the plus side, I am healthy, my children are beautiful and perfect and I am still as messed up emotionally as I have ever been where it comes to my XW. I keep working on myself in that vein, but don't seem to be making much progress.

A while back, I spoke with frank_D, and he illuminated a FACT for me that is probably quite obvious to anyone who has been following the twists and turns of my sitch. That FACT is that my reason for not emotionally divorced my XW is very simple: I don't WANT to. What he said hit me like a ton of bricks in its truth, simplicity and clarity. I am now realizing that what I WANT is much more powerful than what I think I NEED with regard to my XW. frank_D also told me ages ago that no one on this board knows me and/or all of the nuances of my sitch, and I have to do what I believe is best after considering what everyone else says, plus what I know and feel, because I am the only person who will reap what I sow.

With all of that rambling said, I am still in my sitch because I WANT to be. I believe that I have had the power all along to end my sitch long ago. I don't know what would have happened had I DBed more strictly along the way, but I do know that I still have a 'sitch' today and that is because I am still playing the hand that I dealt myself and the hand that has been subsequently dealt to me. Life is interesting in that we are not allowed to play the two hands simuultaneously and choose the path that provides the best outome for all. But that's not reality...just wishful thinking from a man looking up from the depths to which he's allowed himself to fall.

I'm holding it somewhat together, Flicka. In my journey, I have discovered that I am a good man. I remain am own biggest critic and obstacle, so I know that I must continue working on staying in the moment and making decisions in ALL aspects of my life that will produce better results. I've also seen that I am not in danger of my familty deserting me, even though they don't understand my decisions in my sitch and my feelings for my XW.

BE HERE NOW! My new mantra. I am making it my right now mantra and one that I am utilizing to change the incessant rain that my behaviors/decsions have brought forth for me.

Thanks Flicka, I'm still here. Working to keep on keepin' on in a different and more productive way in both my life and my sitch. I aplolgize that my behavior has worried you.