I have a lot to say, much more has happened but I don't have the words for it right now. Will check in later and respond to some of the questions.
Silver and SO2, Thanks for the suggested reading, will get it this weekend - though I am not certain I like Dobson's philos from what I remember in the past - but will look at it.
Silver - thanks for suggesting that there is another viewpoint on the rings - it certainly makes sense for my H and his behavior.
SO2,- about the church - not to offend anyone but he is converting to RC - he has lied to them about his past and current M situation - so things are muddied there. A friend at work is RC and very devoted - said she felt the RC was making up a lot of rules as they go lately and she has been dissappointed in the church for doing so - but her comment was more about the fact that she sees my H putting all his energy into this conversion rather than into working on our M. She also knows that he is lying to the priests and thinks it is happened because they are doing their job of finding out what is really going on in his life especially since I don't go to church with him, and they know I am not interested in conversion with him. I see her point because when he tried to get into other RC closer to my home - they found out a lot and made it hard on him but did not deny him.
Pearl - Thanks for the advice about getting off the roller coaster - I was using that analogy earlier while you were gone. See how connected we all get?
Lemonsnap - Welcome, I always appreciate someone taking the time to stop by and say hi and offer their support. It is what keeps me and I assume all of us going.
Will fill you all in later. I need some chill time.
Well here is what happened. All week it has been the ring is off, it is on, it is off and it is on. I got off the roller coaster. Today he called and asked if it I was ready to see each other - offering the info that he finally understood that I had given him space to work on his issues, and now he has come to realize that I need space too. I said it would be ok to see where we are. He mentioned having an IC session Sat night and would stop over after.
The door bell rings shortly after I get home - and it is him. He said he was done his IC and came over as planned. I said we got our signals crossed - I was sorry I misunderstood - he turned and left without a word. I thought what the F*** he is going to turn this bad.
He calls a few minutes later to say, well I guess we got our answer about where things are betwn us - nowhere. I responded without being heard, if that is how you want to see things. He then questioned me about my S's car being there as he thought we were going to be alone. I said I came home and he was ill with a high fever, I didn't think he should go his F that way.
Then he goes on to tell me, how well everything is going for him with AA, his sponsor and IC. He went on and on, so I stayed quiet because sometimes it makes him worry and he stops more quickly. He mentions that his C thinks he shouldn't come back while the kids are still living with me. That set me off but I stayed quiet. When he was done talking about how good he was - he asked if I had any response. I began to say how good it was to hear that it is working for him. Then he went off on himself again - so I hung up. Rude but I am tired of his not listening to me. He called back right away to apologize for his behavior and told me to go on. I repeated the first part and then said that I was not happy to hear he is not working on coming back because of the kids and that he has a C who supports that idea. He tried to tell me that he was only doing what I asked him to do - and didn't know why I was angry about it? I just plainly repeated myself - not happy about the fact that we will not be working on the M - it was not why I got M in the first place. But I admit I had heard it from him - and now he says his C backs it up - so it is done for us.
He tried to object and asked to give a response. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. He complained that he gave me a response time, but didn't understand why I wouldn't give him one. He chose to respect my request and say good bye.
I know I did not handle that interchange well at all. I am so tired of hearing him say that he can't do it - instead of let me find out how to. I am so tired of hearing that I have to forgive and accept his terrible behavior and mistreatment because he had a problem, but he can't learn to do the right thing himself.
I know I probably pushed him away further than ever, but it really does bother me that I put up with so much crap with him and he can't put up with the stress of living with a family.
I am so hurt, angry and ready to throw in the towel. I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't really want to be with me and the life I have. I have always disliked some things about him but this one thing is making me dislike him more than anything else. I know he is thinking that it is going to take some time apart before things can get worked out - hopefully by then the kids will be on their own. But I resent that scenario. I agree that he needs time to work on his stuff before working on our R. But knowing that he would choose not to be with me for any reason is unacceptable.
I am ready to curl up in a hole and quietly sleep until it is all over. Wake me when life becomes fair somebody will you?
The rollercoaster is amazing and so damaging to the BS. I feel the damage in alot of other areas of my life now that I have gone through this for almost 3 years. I am not a trusting person like I was. I am not nearly as settled and happy as I used to be.
Time will tell what you need to do. Have you two been to MC together? Just a thought.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
We went into MC twice, neither time did he stay with it for more than a few sessions - H couldn't handle it. When we sep this time I told him that we had to go to MC before living under the same roof. He doesn't like the idea - thinks if we can't figure it out on our own, then it isn't going to happen.
I think I chose the wrong forum for my thread. Maybe I should be in "thinking about leaving". Which actually stinks considering I came to this site, with the same knowledge I have now, and yet instead of learning how to move forward in my M, I feel I am moving forward away from it M?
You are not missing anything. You have being given a new set of glasses that's all. I think that we ALL come here in the first place to try and get some magic words / advice that would instantly save our Ms. What we ended up with is something much more beneficial. A new found self belief. To me, without this, I would have been living a lie if I had reconciled. Now I know that I am worth more to myself and others by looking at life through my new glasses and seeing things clearly for the first time in years.
What we get out of this interaction is different for everyone, some reconcile and become happier than ever, some don't and become happier than ever.
As long as we eventually find happiness and peace, what the actual sitch is that leads us there is irrelevant.
So I repeat, you are missing nothing, you have gained, not lost.
H left several messages which I listened to at the end of the day. It seems that #1 - he consulted with his sponsor about moving back in with the kids and what his therapist said - turns out his sponsor thinks he should move back.. #2 he is upset that I won't talk to him since he is only talking about not returning for awhile - not that he wants out altogether, then here's the kicker - #3 he tells me it is sad that I would kick him out for his drinking when in fact his drinking almost killed him. He wants to know what kind of person kicks someone out when they are that sick? Well you and I know the answer to that one so I will spare you my thoughts.
All and all it sucks. Not sure where I want to go with it.
Well it gets worse if you can stand it. He called several times today and I finally responded. He started off telling me about some sermon he heard at church about how everyone has to work hard even when they don't feel like it. He applied to our sitch which was fine but then went on to point out my failures, what I need to do and not to do. I want to explain that so I can get some validation from everyone that I am not crazy. But I want to continue with things from there.
I stop him and explain that if he expects to me to work on the M with him then he needs to go back to school and learn how to be nice to someone if he wants something in return. Blaming me and pointing out my failures and telling me what to do and what to think is not how you win friends and influence people in a positive way. He even started to undermine my confidence at work by telling me something that was said in confidence to him about me. It's no wonder after all that he has put me through which no one really knows about - but yeah, I have been moody. But it is just the point that he would try to undermine my confidence at work when I have kept so much about him a secret there so he can keep his job.
So it goes on and then I just hung up because he just won't stop talking over me - listening to me - or quiet down. I call back later, when calmer to apologize for getting angry and hanging up. Didn't want to continue the convo, just felt bad about the way things ended. He had a bad attitude still and started going over the same territory - I told him that I did not call to continue - but to put things back on the right path. Didn't work and at as I was about to hang up he said, go ahead and hang up on me - to which I replied, I wish you would stop and think about what you are doing. He quieted briefly but resumed it and so I did leave it at hanging up.
I also told him that despite his claim that he wants to work on the M with me and he will not return while they are still here with me, that I fail to take his claim seriously. I feel that it was his choice to move or stay and work on his problems, and he left - he is getting help now and he is still saying he can't come back - so as far as I am I concerned - he has left the M. He has said it is over and if he changes his mind, he will have a lot of work to do to get me back - and in the meantime I may decide not to be available. I didn't get M to live alone, or to be left hanging. So I will start making decisions accordingly - just about me and my kids. Just like he is unilaterally making decisions for himself and our M.
Now to get back to something else - he is accusing me of failing as a parent because my kids are still at home - D18 graduates from HS in June and is deciding on what college to accept entrance to ( she has four offers) and S21 was supposed to grad from college June, but may not be done until Dec - so plans to leave home hinge on that I would think. Is there something wrong with kids not leaving yet? Their F is a little concerned too. Is it a male thing? Honestly, am I doing something wrong here?
I also knew that when H started to work on his A and problems that it would take time. I don't mind giving him the time to do what he needs - but I don't like being told that I have to wait because he can't move back in with me and kids because it is too much for him to handle. So, for me, it is the reason for waiting that i have a problem, am I mincing words here?
I know it was a bad idea to talk to him. So please don't start with me on that one. Some feedback about everything I can handle. Thanks all.
