Turning Arrows Into Flowers

[Concerned_Listener]

Matilda, and Aud,
I'm moving thru the book DB. The main idea from what I've read recently is to articulate what you want specifically for the R. It's probably helpful for me to pause and think about this.

I can see how unless one is clear about what one wants, there is a high probability there will be miscommunication. For example, my W wants more intimacy, and I'm supposed to work on this in IC. I'm going to need to get her to clarify exactly what she means by intimacy. Her concept and mine are definitely different.

At this point I'm aware that she wants me to tell her that she looks nice, that I'm supposed to improve the quality of sex, that I'm supposed to be present at the end of a day, and that I'm supposed to have as much fun dancing with her as I do with other ladies.

It seems like her requests are still too vague. In communication, with her, I will guide her to be more specific about what she wants, so that I know what I need to do to succeed.

The other piece is thinking about what I want. This will be new because the focus has been on making her happy. I do want respectful communication, but maybe that also needs to be more specific. I want to give her the latititude to discuss conflict. I think I can handle her temperament as long as she doesn't put me down personally.

I want to keep and raise my sheep puppy dog. She can only take the puppy in small doses, and wouldn't mind if he weren't around.

I want the freedom to independently pursue my interests of dancing and writing. This means being able to go to lessons or dances on my own, and to take writing classes and workshops, and have quiet time at home to write and read.

She is welcome to participate with the dancing with me, as long as it's constructive. She is inconsistent with her dance partnership with me, so I have to be willing to go to lessons and venues on my own. I realize that when we do go out dancing together, she has expectations on how she is treated, which is fine.

Hopefully, there's a way for us to be able to connect in ways that is mutually satisfying, and also allows for freedom to pursue personal interests.

This past week, we havne't done any joint activity. We are civil to each other. There is daily email communication.

When I was at my dance lesson, Thursday night, she was thoughtful enough to order a carry-out for me.

We still sleep in separate bedrooms.

DB discusses that change is slow and step by step. Patience is important. DB also helps to discipline the mind to stay away from blaming or labeling self or other, because it's emphasis is on changing the patterns of relating. It also trains the mind to look for small successes, and to focus on strengths of the M, and the times when you are getting along, and to learn from and build upon them. This perspective is a nice complement to my other resources that help me stay grounded.

I'll continue to stay at the DB drawing board and craft a strategy.

CL