wow, I hear what you are saying loud and clear. I put up with stuff I never thought I'd put up with. And for a lot longer. I cannot tell you what the time limit is, or how long one must wait, or even if...in this type of situation, it's too easy to give a black and white answer. There are gray areas. And you are in one. No one would blame you if you gave up. You don't deserve this type of treatment of course. But then, why must you read this stuff of hers? Please tell me you aren't looking or reading anymore of it are you? When you read the section on Adultery, you'll see that you don't have to experience every single blow to your heart to get the point.
If she is telling you things about OM, ask her to stop. Why on earth do you need to know the extent of the addiction? And for the record, it really sounds like one. Focus on what makes you a good father and if you can, listen to her like a friend, (NOT about OM, but other issues...). Check with your db coach b/c that was the advice I got from mine and I don't know if it applies to your sitch. It sure helped me to build something back with H, and I often felt tempted to say "Who the hell cares about your JOB up there?" or whatever he was going on about...but I learned to hold my tongue then. He needed a friend and in hindsight I know he was embarrassed at how badly things turned out for his dreams of the "last frontier" (his words...very MLC....may as well have called it "alisha" with secret trips there, etc.) Anyhow, losing the anger in front of him, helped ME not to be consumed by it. Anger would have consumed me if I had let it. Don't let yours take your heart; your kids need it and you deserve to live a life unemcumbered by anger and baggage from her choices. So, try not to lose your anger in front of her if you can. I know for us it totally helped the kids a lot. And helped us to try to have a R, a friendship, etc. I recall the first time I really did the 180' on him and it worked weirdly well pretty fast.
Makes sense that you are going to Florida for a bit. Good to concentrate on your career, and then return as a dad. Let the craziness run some of its' course. Not to say encourage it, but it seems that the typical A does go about 6 months and she is in the throes of it. What is really odd is how alike so many of these things are. It's like a book with a chapter on affairs they all read from and are amazingly similar. The women generally do believe that they have found their "soulmates", etc. Whatever...I have known a few friends who had A's and I've seen some couples survive and remain married. I don't know a single woman who didn't regret the affair, including the one who ended up with OM. And they each said they can't explain their choices...even if they were unhappy in the M, they seem perplexed by their own behavior a year or two later. Weird, I know. My best gf had a brief affair but ended it due to guilt. She didn't tell her h, but she got counselling and I supported her in that effort and totally related. But the thing is, she now looks on that time as something almost "crazy" of her. You know, she can't believe it was her. And by the way, she thanks God she didn't tell her h. I cannot say what is the right thing okay? But in her case, I'm really glad her h never read her letters to the OM....if he had, and confronted her, she probably would have felt cornered into being with him at the time. Don't know. It would not have lasted, but it would have ruined her M and there are at least 2 kids in the world who would not have been born.
I'm sending a prayer your way. Be patient, and know no matter what you are modelling behavior for your kids. It matters. A lot. NO woman is unmoved by the loving interactions of her children with their father...when she calms a bit, and the dust settles some, she'll look around at the kids. And when she sees them lovingly playing and interacting with you, going places and telling her what fun you all had, or how you helped them with their homework and projects and taught them something new...or helped them solve a personal problem...she will notice.
She's a mother. Unless you tell me she always sucked as a mother, then trust me on that, she will notice and it will soften her heart.
(( j ))
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 02/21/0909:31 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
