Divorce looming #4

[K4D]

Thanks 25.

I do not want my M to end. She is ending it for us. She filed for D on Feb 4th. I'm not moving to Florida. I am just going down there for a few months to build up my career.

I have decided not to tell the OM's W. I don't want to take part in even an assumption of assisting in the break up of their family. Many probably won't agree with me. But I thought long and hard and that is my decision. Hopefully OM and his W will peice things back together. He just has to get away from the seduction of my W which is truly incredible from everything I read.

I do love my W and do want to grow old with her. But right now, I don't see her having that same desire as she is going full force into this D. I will always take her back if she wants to come back.

I'm not at all trying to punish her. I just used the adultery thing to win a battle of how far away she will move with my kids. And I did win that one.

I'm not telling the kids anything about the A. They are to young and don't need to know.

I do have one session left with my DB coach. Probably will use it this coming week while in Florida.

I talked to an attorney online by the way just to answer your question.

I agree that I played a role in what lead to all of this M falling apart. But I do want to fix it. She is just so hellbent on getting out to be with OM. She talks about how addicted she is to him in every sense. The stuff I have seen her write to herself and to him is just nuts. Its like she can't breathe without him. She has to have him every second of the day. Its really not healthy.

I am not her judge. I have just been frusturated at times. I do forgive her for the ongoing A. I just wish it would end.

She drew up our child custody agreement today and included that I am not to contact OM or his W or she can sue me for any damages of her assisting me while in Florida. I haven't signed it yet as I really don't want that part in there. What does that have to do with anything? She told me she was going to sleep with me one more time after everything is signed.

I have been going back and forth on whether or not I even want to right now as she is just using it as a tactic to get what she wants.

This whole thing is complicated. I am going along with most of what she wants except a few minor things to keep it all out of court.

Bottom line is I do want to reconcile with her at some point. But I don't know if she will ever do that. I don't want to end up spending my life alone. So how long do I wait? She was already unfaithful which I can live with. But I can't live with waiting forever for her to come back. What if she remarries? Do I still wait at that point? I know this is on down the road stuff. But when having to face it every day, I wonder just how much more I can take. She has truly changed on me. And I don't know if she will ever change back.

I know I did do alot of reacting. I don't want a war or any battles. I just want things fixed. I do need to read that section again about adultery in DBing. I'm gonna do that.

She told me the other night that she knows I just think this is a phase, but its not. I said ok.

Right now she wants this OM so bad that she doesn't mind his family being torn apart to get him. But she wants it done on her terms, not mine. I don't want to tear his family apart so I'm not going to. I told her that to and I told her I hope she can respect that. She just looked at me.

She has this thing now that she is entitled to him and must have him and morals no longer mean anything to her. Well, thats on her. She writes to herself that she must be in control of everything and she will no longer sacrifice for anyone else.

I pray everyday that she will change and I pray that OM will fix things with his M and not go back to my W. But the temptations she throws at him are just to much so far for him to turn down. She literally lets him do anything he wants to her. And she begs him to do it. Its pretty crazy.

But I am not interested in punishing anyone, her or OM. So I do have to take this more carefully. I have 2 days and then I am gone unless a miracle occurs again.

I know I am going to just have to wait this one out. She is to far entrenched in him for me to have any effect. So I am just trying to work on myself now and if she comes back, I hope to be ready the best I can be for her.

My goal in Florida these next few months is just to build up my career, work on myself, and get involved with people and things down there til I come back. Its also to heal myself from all of this. It has been extremely painful and gut wrenching. I think everyone knows that I desparately want to fix things. But I just wonder how much more I can take.

Yes, I agree in sickness and in health til death do us part. But I also have my limits that I struggle with as far as how long I am willing to put up with this. I think personally for me, it will be til she remarries if she remarries. Thats probably the final nail in the coffin for me. Who can really blame me after that for no longer waiting around?

Or do I wait for the rest of my life like my vow says. I truly struggle with this one. Sometimes I think yes, and other times I think can I really hold out that long?

I want to. I just don't know if I can at some point.

Kevin