Divorce looming #4

[InLikeFlynn]

So if you get this job in Florida, are you moving there and leaving the kids in TX with the wife??

[SRTTF]

I think it is an assumption on your part that outing him to his W will send him into the arms of your W. It may do just the opposite and make him backpedal to try to save his M from blowing apart.

I don't think you have much to lose at this point, unless you consider the move dangerous in some way. Evidence might also be good, since the W could side with her H and choose to not believe you.

I agree. You have nothing to lose. I think if OM is into his family and doesn't want his kids hurt that he would want to work on his M. On the other hand if he does walk away from his family then they deserve eachother.

Kevin, I do understand your feelings on M and that you truely love your W. If it is not meant to be God will put someone in your life. If it is meant to be then God will show her at some point what she has been doing and what she needs to do to get you back. You are a good person with a very large heart. You don't change, she is the one that is making herself look so bad to her kids, friends and family. When you go to Florida all you do is keep in touch with the kids, work hard and do things for yourself. Once you exspose the OM you will be gone and she will need to clean up the mess on her own. Once the OM is gone there is no motive for the D because he won't be there so maybe she would re think it. But, you won't be around to see the bomb go off and she is forced to think about all the ppl that she has hurt.

I hope this all makes sense. I'm a bit emotional tonight sorry.

[MrBond]

I wouldn't worry about your W's feelings. Think of the OM's wife as your counterpart. Wouldn't you want to know? Also to maybe prevent it from happening again?

That's the say I see it. Forget your W's feelings.

[25yearsmlc]

Kevin,

first, I'm so sorry for the things that have come to light and the intimate nature of those things. It has to be gut wrenching. Many people would say to forget it, and hurt her (legally and maritally) and move along...yet you linger. Why?

Because you love her. You wish to live and grow old with her. You want to fix things, but your anger sends you in the path of punishment, retribution, and what you think is justice. Giving her "what she deserves" and "teaching her a lesson" is rampant in this thread, from you and others.

At this point it's too hard for you to do the work that is "normal" in these situations which includes you looking inward to see what role you played in this. That hurts too much b/c you didn't cheat, and never did what she did. You are the aggrieved party --but that doesn't mean you wouldn't do some things differently if you had the chance again, right? I know, it's way too early for you to do that b/c of how much pain you are in and the news is so fresh I feel you are "REACTING" and not thinking things out. But later on, know that no matter how wrong she is, you did play a role. And you are playing a role in how things go now. Are you going to be a role model of dignity in the face of betrayal, or a vindictive man with an anger issue?.

How did learning of the A help you? I mean if you end the M now, I guess it moves it along. Confirming the A "saves time"?? I can see that. But in most ways, I don't see much good news in snooping and surely telling the kids is not a kind or loving move on your end and is not your position. As for the legal wrangling so soon...no one is about to enforce a document signed under these conditions and it's not a "Contract" for God's sake. As an attorney, I'm surprised you were told that that adultery helps you with custody b/c if it wasn't in front of the kids, or directly damaging to them, I don't know many judges who factor it in, as Texas isn't about fault in divorce.

That aside, decide ONE THING. If you believe you MIGHT want to reconcile down the road, then for God's sake, Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth. It's already going to be so hard for her to come back with what you read and know and have said. There are people here advising you that IMO, do not want a reconciliation; they want capitulation/defeat/surrender/ and that isn't going to restore your M. I mean, if it's a war and a bunch of battles you want...start paying the lawyers now...

You do not have to know that you definitely want to reconcile, you merely have to know you might want to. That should be enough for you to hold back some, and try to deal with your anger in a healthier way.

When you consider your next move I ask you to think of what your true goal is; is it to "teach her a lesson"? That is punitive. You are not her judge. God is.

And by the way, her comments that she is "sick" and "twisted" are extremely noteworthy. Speaking of vows...in "sickness and in health"...your wife is not well right now. Just b/c it manifested sexually does not change that fact. If the doctor told you she had a brain tumor, would you feel differently or would continue to harbor resentments and obsess about it all? What about sticking it out with her until she sees straight b/c her behavior is self destructive and addictive and she isn't thinking right which even you know. You cannot tell her this, but you can know it. Honestly, please, did you read the chapters in DB about adultery? B/C you need to read it.

I KNOW she may file and divorce you no matter what you do right now...but your behavior now sets the tone for your kids and so much of how they'll view men and women...I cannot believe you'd move to another state and think that Texas will surrender the kids to another jurisdiction and let you leave with them, without a huge expensive battle with your wife (and HER family is there too?). The kid's welfare and their being stable in school, and in the same neighborhood, are factors and The parent presenting the most stability for the kids will present the best picture for the judge. (Just curious...Did you see a divorce lawyer or a computer lawyer? I'm not sure what they were asked and told so I don't want to second guess, but you might need some really solid advice).

Don't misread me. I feel your pain and I get it. I will fully understand if you feel you cannot forgive her and therefore you must move on. I'd say get it over with cleanly and move along to heal.

But if you really think you MIGHT want to restore your marriage, (and I have two relatives who actually divorced and remarried years later but they came together; no one "won" or "lost"...they reconciled...see the difference?) then slow down. Stop the train of who you'll tell and what wreckage and havoc that will create. I am NOT saying to hide things or not tell, I'm saying SLOW DOWN and do some soul searching.

Can you please get a session with a DB coach b/c they want your marriage to survive...IF that is what you want, what have you got to lose? I found it incredibly helpful and of all the things I did, that was the single most important element of our staying married. I'll pray for your kids, your wife, and your marriage.

I wish you the best. I really do.

(( j ))

[K4D]

Thanks 25.

I do not want my M to end. She is ending it for us. She filed for D on Feb 4th. I'm not moving to Florida. I am just going down there for a few months to build up my career.

I have decided not to tell the OM's W. I don't want to take part in even an assumption of assisting in the break up of their family. Many probably won't agree with me. But I thought long and hard and that is my decision. Hopefully OM and his W will peice things back together. He just has to get away from the seduction of my W which is truly incredible from everything I read.

I do love my W and do want to grow old with her. But right now, I don't see her having that same desire as she is going full force into this D. I will always take her back if she wants to come back.

I'm not at all trying to punish her. I just used the adultery thing to win a battle of how far away she will move with my kids. And I did win that one.

I'm not telling the kids anything about the A. They are to young and don't need to know.

I do have one session left with my DB coach. Probably will use it this coming week while in Florida.

I talked to an attorney online by the way just to answer your question.

I agree that I played a role in what lead to all of this M falling apart. But I do want to fix it. She is just so hellbent on getting out to be with OM. She talks about how addicted she is to him in every sense. The stuff I have seen her write to herself and to him is just nuts. Its like she can't breathe without him. She has to have him every second of the day. Its really not healthy.

I am not her judge. I have just been frusturated at times. I do forgive her for the ongoing A. I just wish it would end.

She drew up our child custody agreement today and included that I am not to contact OM or his W or she can sue me for any damages of her assisting me while in Florida. I haven't signed it yet as I really don't want that part in there. What does that have to do with anything? She told me she was going to sleep with me one more time after everything is signed.

I have been going back and forth on whether or not I even want to right now as she is just using it as a tactic to get what she wants.

This whole thing is complicated. I am going along with most of what she wants except a few minor things to keep it all out of court.

Bottom line is I do want to reconcile with her at some point. But I don't know if she will ever do that. I don't want to end up spending my life alone. So how long do I wait? She was already unfaithful which I can live with. But I can't live with waiting forever for her to come back. What if she remarries? Do I still wait at that point? I know this is on down the road stuff. But when having to face it every day, I wonder just how much more I can take. She has truly changed on me. And I don't know if she will ever change back.

I know I did do alot of reacting. I don't want a war or any battles. I just want things fixed. I do need to read that section again about adultery in DBing. I'm gonna do that.

She told me the other night that she knows I just think this is a phase, but its not. I said ok.

Right now she wants this OM so bad that she doesn't mind his family being torn apart to get him. But she wants it done on her terms, not mine. I don't want to tear his family apart so I'm not going to. I told her that to and I told her I hope she can respect that. She just looked at me.

She has this thing now that she is entitled to him and must have him and morals no longer mean anything to her. Well, thats on her. She writes to herself that she must be in control of everything and she will no longer sacrifice for anyone else.

I pray everyday that she will change and I pray that OM will fix things with his M and not go back to my W. But the temptations she throws at him are just to much so far for him to turn down. She literally lets him do anything he wants to her. And she begs him to do it. Its pretty crazy.

But I am not interested in punishing anyone, her or OM. So I do have to take this more carefully. I have 2 days and then I am gone unless a miracle occurs again.

I know I am going to just have to wait this one out. She is to far entrenched in him for me to have any effect. So I am just trying to work on myself now and if she comes back, I hope to be ready the best I can be for her.

My goal in Florida these next few months is just to build up my career, work on myself, and get involved with people and things down there til I come back. Its also to heal myself from all of this. It has been extremely painful and gut wrenching. I think everyone knows that I desparately want to fix things. But I just wonder how much more I can take.

Yes, I agree in sickness and in health til death do us part. But I also have my limits that I struggle with as far as how long I am willing to put up with this. I think personally for me, it will be til she remarries if she remarries. Thats probably the final nail in the coffin for me. Who can really blame me after that for no longer waiting around?

Or do I wait for the rest of my life like my vow says. I truly struggle with this one. Sometimes I think yes, and other times I think can I really hold out that long?

I want to. I just don't know if I can at some point.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Kevin,

wow, I hear what you are saying loud and clear. I put up with stuff I never thought I'd put up with. And for a lot longer. I cannot tell you what the time limit is, or how long one must wait, or even if...in this type of situation, it's too easy to give a black and white answer. There are gray areas. And you are in one. No one would blame you if you gave up. You don't deserve this type of treatment of course. But then, why must you read this stuff of hers? Please tell me you aren't looking or reading anymore of it are you? When you read the section on Adultery, you'll see that you don't have to experience every single blow to your heart to get the point.

If she is telling you things about OM, ask her to stop. Why on earth do you need to know the extent of the addiction? And for the record, it really sounds like one. Focus on what makes you a good father and if you can, listen to her like a friend, (NOT about OM, but other issues...). Check with your db coach b/c that was the advice I got from mine and I don't know if it applies to your sitch. It sure helped me to build something back with H, and I often felt tempted to say "Who the hell cares about your JOB up there?" or whatever he was going on about...but I learned to hold my tongue then. He needed a friend and in hindsight I know he was embarrassed at how badly things turned out for his dreams of the "last frontier" (his words...very MLC....may as well have called it "alisha" with secret trips there, etc.) Anyhow, losing the anger in front of him, helped ME not to be consumed by it. Anger would have consumed me if I had let it. Don't let yours take your heart; your kids need it and you deserve to live a life unemcumbered by anger and baggage from her choices. So, try not to lose your anger in front of her if you can. I know for us it totally helped the kids a lot. And helped us to try to have a R, a friendship, etc. I recall the first time I really did the 180' on him and it worked weirdly well pretty fast.

Makes sense that you are going to Florida for a bit. Good to concentrate on your career, and then return as a dad. Let the craziness run some of its' course. Not to say encourage it, but it seems that the typical A does go about 6 months and she is in the throes of it. What is really odd is how alike so many of these things are. It's like a book with a chapter on affairs they all read from and are amazingly similar. The women generally do believe that they have found their "soulmates", etc. Whatever...I have known a few friends who had A's and I've seen some couples survive and remain married. I don't know a single woman who didn't regret the affair, including the one who ended up with OM.
And they each said they can't explain their choices...even if they were unhappy in the M, they seem perplexed by their own behavior a year or two later. Weird, I know. My best gf had a brief affair but ended it due to guilt. She didn't tell her h, but she got counselling and I supported her in that effort and totally related. But the thing is, she now looks on that time as something almost "crazy" of her. You know, she can't believe it was her. And by the way, she thanks God she didn't tell her h. I cannot say what is the right thing okay? But in her case, I'm really glad her h never read her letters to the OM....if he had, and confronted her, she probably would have felt cornered into being with him at the time. Don't know. It would not have lasted, but it would have ruined her M and there are at least 2 kids in the world who would not have been born.

I'm sending a prayer your way. Be patient, and know no matter what you are modelling behavior for your kids. It matters. A lot. NO woman is unmoved by the loving interactions of her children with their father...when she calms a bit, and the dust settles some, she'll look around at the kids. And when she sees them lovingly playing and interacting with you, going places and telling her what fun you all had, or how you helped them with their homework and projects and taught them something new...or helped them solve a personal problem...she will notice.

She's a mother. Unless you tell me she always sucked as a mother, then trust me on that, she will notice and it will soften her heart.

(( j ))

[Mellenmack]

hmm, 25...
so you're not in jail...

yet...


Melissa

[K4D]

25,

I am no longer reading anything new of hers. I don't need to know anything further.

The D should be finalized April 5th well before I get back. Apparently money is an issue as well for her. OM makes 110k. My W makes 90k. I was making 50k. On the topic of remarraige she said she would have to take into account someone only making 50k. So I said for us to have a chance at reconciling down the road I would have to make more? She got mad and said she is not a gold digger. But lets be honest, at this point it looks like she is.

Her sister did the exact same thing. Her sister was married, slept with another married man who makes 200k. Then when OM was going to break it off with her, she called OMs W to tell her she was sleeping with her H. OMs W filed for D and now my W's sister has OM and his money. My W is doing the exact same thing after seeing her sister do it. She is already talking about 200k between herself and OM down the road.

It would be hard for even a DB coach to help me out on this one on top of the obvious addiction my W has for this guy. And once the D goes through, how much incentive is there for her to try and work on anything with me. Not much. I would hope she would at some point. But this all looks very bad for me right now.

My W is totally into image now to. She talks about how hot they are as a couple to him.

Barring a miracle, there is just not much hope that I see. She may or may not get this OM. But she knows other guys that make that amount also now. So she is more than likely not going to lower her standards of living for me if I don't break into the 100k range.

There is alot of money in Dallas and alot of people with money in Dallas and now she wants her share of it at pretty much any cost.

Again, morals out the window. Greed has totally set in with her.

She did used to be an excellent mom. The best I ever saw. But now, other things have taken priority even over the kids.

My W doesn't seem to have any guilt about this. Its more about being entitled to money, and a man she wants and an image she wants. She has always said she doesn't live with regrets. She says life is to short.

I also wonder if she feels like the window is closing in on her to obtain all of this so go for it now while she is still hot looking and young enough to get it. She actually looks very young for her age. She could easily pass for her 20s and she is 35. OM is 44 but apparently in excellent shape. He is and was an athlete.

Truthfully, I don't think there is anything I can do even with the kids to compete in this situation until and if her mentallity changes. Its so about materialism and addiction to OM for her now.

Thank you for the prayer. I need all of them I can get. I pray every day for things to change between us. We are leaving in a couple of hours to sign the custody agreement. Ugg.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Please tell me you will have a lawyer review the documents before you sign. Why are you rushing this? You may not be able to slow the divorce itself, but you surely can delay the custody issues and by the way, it is not irrevocable.

Money comes and goes. Interesting stories...I have a lot of experience with this in that we were sooo poor and then NOT...I am not blaming money for our problems but I can tell you that it did NOT help our marriage. Once a certain point was reached, I can see now that no more was needed. B/C then you have no time for living. (There is a great book on this exact topic, called "Your Money or Your Life" I highly recommed you read it for the approach to money and happiness and the roles they play with each other).

My h and I put ourselves thru school, college, med school and law school all without help from others. We were poor Kev. Oh And we had a child while I was in Law school and h was starting med school 8 weeks later...I know what it's like to be poor. But we knew it was temporary. Long term struggling, yes. But not permanent. See the diff? Did your wife and you feel like there was a hopeful future? What changed? And was she working too hard? Does she like her work? Do you like yours? As for how happy everyone is with money, as if the numbers are equal (as if $40k = 40'units" of happiness and therefore $160k = 4 times more happiness??? umm, does NOT work that way).

When h began making some real dollars, only a few things improved. The house was nicer and bigger and so were the cars. But some things did not improve. We had LESS time together with each pay raise, not more. S22 said once, "no matter where we lived or what dad earned the only difference I saw was that our homes/cars got nicer but dad was not happier and seemed more tired, not less..."
H always felt "behind" something as if he had to make up and compensate for not earning more earlier ???

H was sort of wearing "golden handcuffs" b/c whenever he'd miss work, he wouldn't get paid since it was all production based. I recall once we were on a cruise ( completely arranged by me, and I had to put in leave for him with his secretary as he kept "forgetting" to do so) and he carped about money on the trip, and I said, "it's all paid for already" and he said, "but I could be earning money at this time..." and it was an "aha moment" for me. It was at that moment I realized he had changed into a workaholic. That is a disturbed way of thinking, just as alcoholics think weirdly about their drinking and sex addicts obsess. Do NOT confuse being a workaholic with ambition. It's a cop out. Even as a kid, I knew my dad was lying when he'd be working late "for the family" b/c the reality was he made speeches and got promotions and accolades at work; (some author called it "fast food for the starving ego"). Dad worked as a father, yes. But he didn't work the extra times for US...it was for him and his insecurities and ego, and whatever he had to prove in his life, etc. I feel bad for my dad b/c work did not make him happy for feel successful really. When he was dying he had a lot of regrets about missing out on our childhood. He had NO regrets about not working more...

My questions for you are whether Your fear/perception that she doesn't find you as attractive now is b/c she equates your earning power with ambition and success, and that all spells out attraction/& a good mate? Are these her perceptions or yours, or both? I mean, is this a guy thing, b/c a lot of men DO equate their success & identity with how much they earn (boy, have I heard that...)

However, you may be right in what her present beliefs are. It'd be one thing if you were an unemployed loser on welfare without a chance in hell for ever improving your life, mooching off your hardworking wife, and if you were also a lousy dad....But it sounds as if you simply don't make what she makes, or she is in an unusually well paying field. I don't know what she does though, so I don't know if she has passion for it, or it's just the dollars. (And I do put my money where my mouth is; I'm taking a pay cut of ...a lot....as in maybe I'll make a fourth/third? of what I was when I was practicing law. Why? So that I can teach in a low income high school this fall and I am in such a different place than your wife, it really bugs me when I see these things about such shallow pursuits. But I'll have free time that matches our d11's school schedule, can do some writing in the summer, and not fear losing my law license b/c of some ulcer inducing choices an idiot clients makes...so there is a trade off. IT isn't ALL about money. Other than your parents, who were the most influential adults in your life growing up? Bet one of them was a coach or teacher.

If she's going by the salaries, how queasy it will be for OM, knowing that a new "VP" or OM who earns 350k could walk in and win her over b/c it's ALL about the numbers...geez, what I'd give for a guy who comes home at night for dinner and has weekends off. Like TIME...a lot of women out there feel that way Kev. Oh, did you read "The Five Love Languages"? That's a good one. Because for me, my love language is time together and h's is affection and words of affirmation. Affection is hard to give when he's 3000 miles away. As I write that, I realize he must feel his love bank hasn't been filled for some time as well. Interesting.

Oh by the way, Does she know OM's earnings will be halved with an ex wife and kids? Too bad for her she picked a Married OM...(yeah too bad for them too. I suspect your w does not know if you get half custody, as you should, she'll have to pay YOU...) Please, see a L....!!!!

The real issue is what your earnings mean to YOU and your values. Did you "fail" at something in your mind? Was there a goal you did not reach? Does this work event in Florida help you with your job? I ask this b/c how YOU feel about yourself in this arena, matters so much. It will matter to your kids too. Do you do volunteer work? Does OM cure cancer? Does your wife? Didn't think so. You know, once your material needs are met and a few luxuries, the rest is gravy....UNTIL it becomes a handcuff that ties you down...(the golden handcuffs). That's what the book about money actually researched and more or less "proved". At a certain point, the "graph" of increased money and increased happiness/comfort, meets with decreased fun time, & then takes a nose dive...well, the book says it better...

Well, let them eat their cake. If it's all about money they'll always be the undertone of doubt in the M. Years ago, my oldest brother left a wonderful woman with a daughter he seems to love but moved away for a job... I recall him being 45 y/o dating a 24 y/o and asking me and my sisters what we thought. EACH of us, without "rehearsing" felt it was "pathetic" of him and gold digging of her. Oh she left him when she met a better candidate, i.e., someone making as much money but younger....
Big surprise. My brother ultimately remarried and but more importantly, he did my ex sil a favor. You know why? B/C even though my ex sil married a guy making a lot less money than my oldest brother, somehow her life STYLE is better.
For one thing, the house is somehow a lot nicer than brother's, b/c her new h fixes things up and is a handyman, and they save enough each year for a really nice trip overseas that my brother never made time for...so my ex sil 's life is so much better now than it was even though technically there is much less money, her lifestyle really is better. And her new h makes the M his priority and that's new for her. Oh, she also manages to put aside a few dollars each month for savings so she now feels financially secure, which she never felt with my oldest bro. Meanwhile my brother the wheeler and dealer millionaire, bounces checks to us at least yearly. Who does that? A wheeler and dealer...

There is always a line of doubt in the wealthier partner, an undertone in the R that says "if things change and get bad you'll leave me high and dry, or if you find a better "deal', you'll leave me" and they are usually correct. Conversely, They also use their wealth as a golden handcuff, knowing that the "poorer" partner needs their money and so they are desparate and will tolerate abusive treatmenet, in order to be taken care of. That's how it is when the R is based on money.

Kev, it isn't real. I mean, I know a plastic surgeon who earned $800k Kevin, literally... but he had at least 2 or 3 ex wives and several children, and he had to give his kids nice expensive gifts or they'd openly hate him for what he did to their moms, and by the way, he had at least one mistress too. He was literally broke. So then he had a heart attack and bypass surgery, so I'm sure that did wonders for his love life. I have no idea where his gf was or his wife was or who was with him in the hospital. But it was a wake up call for him..He became desparate to repair the broken messes he created and left behind...so much regret. He was loathed, worshipped, feared and ignored by his own family. Very short on love. Sad. But hey, he made a lot of money!

Hey, so you know--here's a positive in my sitch that I can actually point to--- h and I and our kids are going to Europe this April to see d19 perform in a show. (Remember the cruise)? Well, D19 is performing in a show in Europe and it's a big deal for her, so even if I had to charge the whole thing on a credit card, it's the type of deal as a parent that you just somehow get yourself to, (and btw h agrees to this part fully). I'm doing all the planning for it, like the cruise, which i sort of don't mind...but planning is part of the darn fun...but I want to take 16 days off b/c it's so far and costly to get there, may as well spend some real time there. And happily, our s22 is joining us and it's possible the last time we'll all five be on a trip together as a family. I thought h would probably whine about the length of the trip and I'd have to hear the whole speech about how much it is costing him to miss work blah blah blah--and the time I took the kids to Italy for our anniversary and h vascillated so much about time off he could not get it all off and wanted to leave later or return earlier from Europe and that was so ridiculous with h living in Alaska and acting as if we were normally married....I just took the kids and said "see you later" and we all had a blast. So fast forward 2 and half years and now, guess what? h asked me again for the dates off at work, for HIM to put in, and says he put in for them. I mean he put in for leave in advance, himself UNPRECEDENTED...and without a complaint or obvious desire for my thanks...so, yes Kevin, I have seen a positive change. I'm grateful he also actually said he was "excited about the trip"...also UNPRECEDENTED and while it may not seem like a big thing to you, trust me, this is new.
He used to act as if he was sacrificing for us to go on some frivolous trip. I may be making him sound more negative than he felt, but he did say those things years ago, so now I have to note a significant change for the better. It is a 180' for him and so, I'm applauding it. (Yay, it happens). See? I don't mean to be glib. Just saying I would never have imagined being here, in my M, giving you advice, if someone had asked me2 years ago. I gave us a 5-10% chance of restoring the M...

Our lives were simpler when we were poor. I did not enjoy poverty (we did literally live below poverty line the first 7 years together). We played backgammon and chess and read to each other and had no tv. We studied together. We had goals in common and believed in a better future.
That was the difference between us and the neighbors who rocked on their porch forever...
Did your wife and you have goals for wealth or changing the world or both? Did you let go of the goals, or did she change into this?


I think to the extent you are comfortable with yourself as a man, secure in who you are, a lot of what your children see will be reflected by what they see in you. I really hope you'll get that book about money and happiness ("Your Money or Your Life"). She will need to read it A LONG TIME FROM NOW....b/c she'll wonder why she isn't happier when it's tax time and she sees the numbers on the W-2...and yet, isn't fulfilled. It'll give you some clarity about your own goals for your career and being a dad. I have a brother (not the "rich" one) who is a great dad but his ex w made it pre[/color]tty hard. She'd move to another school district to make it harder to him to commute and therefore harder for him to share custody. He turned down many well paying jobs to stay near his kids and that's what good guys do. He has been there for his daughters as much as most married dad's. You can do this Kevin.

And fwiw, the A itself will have to run its course or they'll both lose their jobs Kevin....so her fantasy will end. In the meantime you'll be GAL, growing as a man and a father. Be strong, smart, calm, and loving. No woman worth her salt is going to ignore that over time. [color:#000099]Be a man that only a fool would leave. And keep on praying.... and have you found a minister you like? Now is a really good time for that...(including one in Florida.)
And I'll keep sending them your way too. AmyC is a good resource in these matters as she went thru something as a WAW MLCer and you may want to track her down around here b/c she can offer some interesting insights for you....seriously. I just recalled that and I'm sorry I didn't give you the name earlier. Look her up and you'll be glad you did.



((( j )))

[K4D]

25,

I am rushing this because I am leaving Monday and I don't want to leave without the agreement in place. I don't trust her to put in what is right. I won't be able to really fight it from Florida. So I have to get it in writing and notorized now before I leave.

We also started out very poor. I think we made 10k or 15k our first year together. I remember going to the grocery store at night and buying dinner for a dollar just after the deli/bakery would close and they had discounted everything for the night before throwing it out.

We worked our way up not through education, but through work experiance and learning new things on the jobs. We both had ambition for years. As time went by, I guess my ambition fell off and I became comfortable with what we were making. I decided to enjoy life more at the level we were at. She however stayed ambitious. Now let me point out here that I also drank heavily for years and that probably contributed to my complacent attitude after a while. Drinking is no longer a problem for me and my ambition is back. But at the moment, its to little to late for her.

Money is a big deal for her. But also image and the high life party style is big to her now as well as sex with someone totally hot to her. She also built up such a friendship with OM that it turned into more with her. Its a combo of things for her.

We slept together again today for a couple of hours. She told me she was having issues going back and forth between me and him. Primarily because she wants to stay faithful to him. I have just a small issue with her going back and forth also. But thats because I am her H.

I'm not an unemployed bum. I am taking 4 months off to better my career since I am going to have to provide more on my own now with her making this decision and moving forward with it. She resents it, but is in agreement with it so I can provide better for the kids and she doesn't have to help as much.

She is a business analyst. She is a contractor. I don't make what she makes. She makes 90k, I was making 50k. But, the agency originally came to me for the job first. I had just been laid off and had a great severance package and was just doing some contracting work on the side for fun. She however hated her job, was only making 40k, and had racked up 25k in debt behind my back that I had discovered. I suggested to the agency that they talk to my wife as I thought she would be a good fit. Hey, it all goes into the same bank account right? And it gets her out of a job she hates. Little did I know my mistake at that point. The money totally transformed her into a new independent high class woman. Wow it went to her head.

She has a passion for the job and the dollars. But I think more the dollars than the job. She would love to be rich and not have to work at all. But she also is not willing to down grade her lifestyle so she doesn't have to work. She has always had a problem with controlling her spending. Hince, we have nothing in savings after 12 years together. I have dug her out of debts so many times over the years and even when I first met her she owed all kinds of debts that I had to get her out of. No appreciation now though for any of that.

I said I wanted to have a lawyer review the agreement and she just accused me of trying to delay things again. I have used a few tactics to delay things and everytime she knows it and gets mad at me. Today I even delayed at the store making new copies of the agreement til I knew the notary would be closed and we couldn't get there in time. Thats why it is now Monday it has to be done. I keep praying that a miracle will occur somehow to keep things going. And so far, things have been happening. So maybe another one will occur.

Earning power is a factor for her since she is so ambitious. Also other things are attractive, confidence, sexyness, personality, stability, etc. But I would have to rank earning power at the top as she will only go so low in her standards of pay with someone.

I haven't read the 5 love languages yet, but I do have it and plan to read it when I get to Florida.

In Texas child support for 2 kids is 25%. I don't know about alimony. So he will inevitably pay that much. Still with him making 110k not a bad take home pay with her 90k. Beats my 50k.

Our lives overall were better without money to. We had other ways of enjoying ourselves. I'd go back to those days in a heartbeat to avoid this. If I could go back in time, I would never have passed that job onto her.

We both had goals of taking on the world when we were younger. I just let mine stop and was complacent. She kept hers going. Ultimately, I'm not sure if she will ever truly find what she is looking for. She might, she might not. I hope she does and I hope its with me at some point again.

I hope yall enjoy your trip to Europe. It sounds like it will be alot of fun. I have never been there before. But it always looked like a neat place to visit.

I am also glad to see progress being made with your H. Sometimes it takes longer for some people to change than what we want. But if you can hold out, it might be worth it.

I have tried to tell my W that it took me longer than what she wanted. But now she is finally getting me to where she wants. But she no longer cares and says I am still not there yet. I agree I have more to work on. My biggest thing is learning how to detach. I have really not been successful in this area. My other thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about the future without her. It was supposed to be me and her together through anything. Now its just me. She is riding her stallion with someone else off into the sunset be it this OM, or the next one in line. Apparently she gets hit on quite a bit by guys who make twice what I make. She gets offers from guys who want to sleep with her as well. I'm sure she is flattered. Well, I know she is because she is divorcing me for new opportunities.

I appreciate the vote of confidence in me and I will look up AmyC as well.

I am going to post our agreement. Tell me what you think about it if you can.

Kevin