H has always been on the lower side of desire. When we first met in our mid twenties, he was happy to have sex once a week; I did a lot of initiating, always have; and there were times I was turned down. This wasn't any particular red flag to me because once a week was fine.
My female friends thought I had it great! Their SO's were always bothering them for sex--some first thing every morning. How great they thought it would be not to have to deal with that all the time!
Through the years, his desire waned more. We had 4 kids; he began to spend more and more time at the office. He was always tired, always scrambling for his business. We worked out a solution: if he could just get some sleep first, he'd be up to it. If I went to bed late, I could just wake him up some *special* way and I could have what I wanted.
That was okay for several years. It wasn't only me initiating; it was just that way most of the time. He confessed to me that he doesn't really think about sex. It's just never been important to him.
A few years ago I convinced him to go to a sex therapist with me, but we both found her to be a turn off and so we only went one unproductive time.
I also talked him into getting his testosterone checked in his early 40s. He went to the family practitioner who tested him and said he was on the very low side of normal. Nothing to worry about still in the normal range, especially on HMO. No need to look further into that, she told him.
It's at the point now where he no longer has low desire, he has NO desire. He has no answer to why. It isn't that he's not attracted to me. He isn't attracted to anybody. He's actually an unusually good looking man in fantastic shape, and a very nice dresser. Women are attracted to him, and from time to time I witness them coming on to him in subtle ways. It makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time, because they have no idea that their cleavage has no effect on him.
About 7 months ago, I initiated in the middle of the night, and he was virtually unresponsive. The equipment worked, but it was me on top doing all the work, and he barely lifted a hand or opened his eyes. He just didn't bother to be present. After that, I told myself I would not do that again. It had been getting more and more like that; that night was the last straw. He'd have to be the next initiator. He'd have to show me that he wanted it. In 7 months, he hasn't bothered.
I'm a person for whom physical and emotional intimacy are intertwined. Without any physical touch, I feel like a room-mate, or worse yet a housekeeper. I would be delighted with twice a week, but really even just once every two or three weeks would make me happy.
In therapy (his and ours) it's come out that he doesn't feel emotionally connected to me. I agree our connection is in trouble. For me, the lack of physical relationship really hurts my emotional one. Last night he said to me, "why do you keep bringing this back to sex? Sex is such a trivial part of the problem."
On the bright side, I ordered SSW yesterday; and I told H that the only thing I wanted for Valentines Day was for him to make an appt to see a Urologist to test his testosterone and talk about his LD/ND. We have good insurance now so he can go straight there without passing through the primary care phys. It took him a week to find time to make the appt, but he finally did.
Maybe his therapist is right (the therapist told him it was probably not a medical issue, thanks a lot); but if the problem has one of two solutions, which are either drawn out, expensive, and emotionally painful (therapy) or quick and paid for by insurance (a doctor visit and blood draw) then which one would you want to rule out first??
As we've tried to talk about this more in the last few weeks I've been shocked at how little regard he has for a sex life; it's as if he thinks my needs are shallow and bothersome. He thinks our problems are much bigger than this silly trivial thing. I'm trying to get through to him that the emotional component that's suffering in our marriage can--on my side at least--really be helped by the physical component. He says he hears what I'm saying . . . but hearing me is all he's doing.
