Spellfire # 3 - Need a campfire here

[spellfire]

You should not have to settle for anything less than a fulfilling sexual R with your W. I hope you didn't think I was implying you should. The point I was trying to make is that I think you're expecting immediate changes and it's just not going to work that way in your current sitch.

You are absolutely right.

I'm trying to remember if you've clearly stated to your W what you expect the end result to be and how you both need to work on things to get there. I remember Puppy having that convo with Mrs. Puppy, saying that he was no longer willing to live that way and outlined what he expected to happen.

Having just got the R back on track, it is a hard subject to approach. Some here would likely say I need to be more patient and put more into the R. I continue to do so, and I am being fairly patient with her. Most of my frustration I vent here.

When I do try to bring up the subject and talk to her about it like this, she wont listen to me. She cuts me off immediately and gives me the whole "I already feel guilty without this adding to it" defense. While I have worked very hard on my listening skills through DBing, she will rarely hear me out on anything I have to say. She jumps to immediate conclusions without even hearing what it is I truly am trying to say to her. She intercepts and gets defensive almost immediately.

When xBF dropped the bomb on me I immediately started looking into everything I could do to find solutions. I bought and read SSM, went to see an endocrinologist for testing, stopped taking BC pills, bought new lingerie, initiated ML...that was the first two weeks.

I would likely have a heart attack if W did any of those things without me having some involvement, lol.

But notice that this was after he dropped a bomb on me. Would I have preferred if he brought this up before already deciding he was done and starting having EA/PA? Of course. But it was certainly motivating! After years of knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that things were not good but ignoring them I took action.

I have brought it up many many times to her. It has been my primary complaint for the last 8 years when she asks me what I am unhappy about in the R. She has never taken the complaint seriously and has basically told me I am a jerk for only being interested in sex. She doesn't consider sex to be particularly important, and seems to think I am a jerk for being "obsessed" with it.

I am not advising you to drop your own bomb, but perhaps think about figuring out exactly what you expect her to be doing to address the situation and what will happen if she doesn't. Then when you're ready you can have that conversation. But please, please, please be reasonable in your expectations.

No bombs from me, and certainly no EA/PAs. I would warn her I'm leaving, then leave, before I would ever cheat. I am not pursuing ML very aggressively (hence the 21 days and counting), I am really trying hard to get everything straight in my head before I execute any kind of plan.

Thanks again for stopping by pearl, much appreciated again.