first, I'm so sorry for the things that have come to light and the intimate nature of those things. It has to be gut wrenching. Many people would say to forget it, and hurt her (legally and maritally) and move along...yet you linger. Why?
Because you love her. You wish to live and grow old with her. You want to fix things, but your anger sends you in the path of punishment, retribution, and what you think is justice. Giving her "what she deserves" and "teaching her a lesson" is rampant in this thread, from you and others.
At this point it's too hard for you to do the work that is "normal" in these situations which includes you looking inward to see what role you played in this. That hurts too much b/c you didn't cheat, and never did what she did. You are the aggrieved party --but that doesn't mean you wouldn't do some things differently if you had the chance again, right? I know, it's way too early for you to do that b/c of how much pain you are in and the news is so fresh I feel you are "REACTING" and not thinking things out. But later on, know that no matter how wrong she is, you did play a role. And you are playing a role in how things go now. Are you going to be a role model of dignity in the face of betrayal, or a vindictive man with an anger issue?.
How did learning of the A help you? I mean if you end the M now, I guess it moves it along. Confirming the A "saves time"?? I can see that. But in most ways, I don't see much good news in snooping and surely telling the kids is not a kind or loving move on your end and is not your position. As for the legal wrangling so soon...no one is about to enforce a document signed under these conditions and it's not a "Contract" for God's sake. As an attorney, I'm surprised you were told that that adultery helps you with custody b/c if it wasn't in front of the kids, or directly damaging to them, I don't know many judges who factor it in, as Texas isn't about fault in divorce.
That aside, decide ONE THING. If you believe you MIGHT want to reconcile down the road, then for God's sake, Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth. It's already going to be so hard for her to come back with what you read and know and have said. There are people here advising you that IMO, do not want a reconciliation; they want capitulation/defeat/surrender/ and that isn't going to restore your M. I mean, if it's a war and a bunch of battles you want...start paying the lawyers now...
You do not have to know that you definitely want to reconcile, you merely have to know you might want to. That should be enough for you to hold back some, and try to deal with your anger in a healthier way.
When you consider your next move I ask you to think of what your true goal is; is it to "teach her a lesson"? That is punitive. You are not her judge. God is.
And by the way, her comments that she is "sick" and "twisted" are extremely noteworthy. Speaking of vows...in "sickness and in health"...your wife is not well right now. Just b/c it manifested sexually does not change that fact. If the doctor told you she had a brain tumor, would you feel differently or would continue to harbor resentments and obsess about it all? What about sticking it out with her until she sees straight b/c her behavior is self destructive and addictive and she isn't thinking right which even you know. You cannot tell her this, but you can know it. Honestly, please, did you read the chapters in DB about adultery? B/C you need to read it.
I KNOW she may file and divorce you no matter what you do right now...but your behavior now sets the tone for your kids and so much of how they'll view men and women...I cannot believe you'd move to another state and think that Texas will surrender the kids to another jurisdiction and let you leave with them, without a huge expensive battle with your wife (and HER family is there too?). The kid's welfare and their being stable in school, and in the same neighborhood, are factors and The parent presenting the most stability for the kids will present the best picture for the judge. (Just curious...Did you see a divorce lawyer or a computer lawyer? I'm not sure what they were asked and told so I don't want to second guess, but you might need some really solid advice).
Don't misread me. I feel your pain and I get it. I will fully understand if you feel you cannot forgive her and therefore you must move on. I'd say get it over with cleanly and move along to heal.
But if you really think you MIGHT want to restore your marriage, (and I have two relatives who actually divorced and remarried years later but they came together; no one "won" or "lost"...they reconciled...see the difference?) then slow down. Stop the train of who you'll tell and what wreckage and havoc that will create. I am NOT saying to hide things or not tell, I'm saying SLOW DOWN and do some soul searching.
Can you please get a session with a DB coach b/c they want your marriage to survive...IF that is what you want, what have you got to lose? I found it incredibly helpful and of all the things I did, that was the single most important element of our staying married. I'll pray for your kids, your wife, and your marriage.
I wish you the best. I really do.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
