Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, [[[[[BM & Glam]]]]]

I am feeling pretty good. I had a little "backslide" today....well not really....but sorta. H e-mailed me asking for my new address. I replied by just giving the address as he asked (no extra talk). But, then I followed up with another short e-mail question asking if he had his new phone number and e-mail at his new job. He replied telling me to only use his cell, and that he didn't have his new work e-mail yet. I then replied just asking why he needed my address. He said because he had a card for me from his mother and was going to forward it. I replied that he could just give it to S17 tomorrow when he sees him. He replied "yes". I then got to thinking and replied back to him that I hoped he would do me the courtesy of telling me if he was filing for D, and would not "surprise me" with it. He didn't reply.

I know, I know, I shouldn't have said anything, but I really wasn't angry.....I was just annoyed at his cagey, short, clipped answers. But, he called S17 this evening and I talked to him. No he's not filing. Annoyed at me that I even thought he might do that. Said it was a stupid question. (He's right it was). But we had an OK phone conversation and I was friendly and upbeat and told him it wasn't a big deal, I just wondered why he was being cagey and there was no reason to be. He said he only kept his answers short because he was on his palm-top, not his computer, so e-mail takes a very long time.

See, no big deal.......

I'm sure I'll get some guff for this, but I put my "profile" on a dating web-site. My C thinks that this is a good thing for my "self growth", to open myself to some experience with other men. I don't actually have to "date", but he thinks the contact with other "singles" my own age in a non-threatening "anonymous" environment would be a good thing.

In looking at the "write ups" on the site I am reminded that there are many fish in the sea but I have never even learned to "bait the hook". To be honest, the thought of going on a date with someone doesn't excite me....it makes me nauseous! But, I am an adult woman, and I want to be a more confident one. I still hope with all my heart that my H finds his way back to me. But I don't want to be with my H because I am afraid to be with anybody else! And so long as those fears and lack of self confidence is in me, I will never have a true equal relationship with my H or anybody!

The truth is that I have never missed having not experienced "being single" (since I have been with H since I was 17). Being "alone in a crowd" is petrifying to me. So, I do feel that this is a necessary step forward for me.......I hope you all understand. For me, this is NOT a step away from DB'ing. It's really quite the opposite.