Spellfire # 3 - Need a campfire here

[pearlharbr]

Spellfire, perhaps you can flag Puppy down for his input here. I know he's helped me tremendously in my sitch and he had also been dealing with SSM before his W had A.

Again, I'm really no expert here since xBF walked away from our R without giving me the opportunity to fully address our SSM/R.

You should not have to settle for anything less than a fulfilling sexual R with your W. I hope you didn't think I was implying you should. The point I was trying to make is that I think you're expecting immediate changes and it's just not going to work that way in your current sitch.

I'm trying to remember if you've clearly stated to your W what you expect the end result to be and how you both need to work on things to get there. I remember Puppy having that convo with Mrs. Puppy, saying that he was no longer willing to live that way and outlined what he expected to happen.

I understand you are frustrated with your W's lack of effort. You should be. When xBF dropped the bomb on me I immediately started looking into everything I could do to find solutions. I bought and read SSM, went to see an endocrinologist for testing, stopped taking BC pills, bought new lingerie, initiated ML...that was the first two weeks.

But notice that this was after he dropped a bomb on me. Would I have preferred if he brought this up before already deciding he was done and starting having EA/PA? Of course. But it was certainly motivating! After years of knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that things were not good but ignoring them I took action.

I am not advising you to drop your own bomb, but perhaps think about figuring out exactly what you expect her to be doing to address the situation and what will happen if she doesn't. Then when you're ready you can have that conversation. But please, please, please be reasonable in your expectations.