Shine like the star you are!

[jennslilone]

Yes, T2. You are correct. The girl is young and insecure. My dad found her DL in the truck and turns out she's only 21. The rest I've found about her tells me that she's everything my H detests. lol

I'm just waiting for the fireworks. She's also definitly one of those girls that will throw a brick through his windshield when he leaves.

My friend and I were talking this morning and she said this...

"He wants to party like a single person but he wants the comfort of having a relationship and he can't do both."

She's right. He's either a family man or he's not. Now I know that he can go out with his buddies once in a while..its not like we have kids but he could be more responsible about it.

I don't really know what to make out of it. I'm not going to be rude or vindictive. I'm not even going to say anything about her. Right now I'm just trying to plod along and concentrate on the changes I need to make.

I just hope she hurries the imploding along.

[talitsa]

On the issue of FFs and MFs:
I used to like that Wolfie had female friends. I thought it showed that he honestly liked women and didn't just see them as objects.

Now I know that he has a REAL problem with boundaries concerning any FFs.

I don't really have that problem. I have 3-4 close MFs, but they all have some things very much in common. They are all men with a great deal of integrity and are strongly committed to their wives and families. I don't think I'd like them if they weren't that way. If there were any flirting going on, I don't think I'd want the friendship(s).

Their wives know me and know for a fact that I'm not a threat, and in fact I'm a strong supporter of their marraiges.

I guess it's about boundaries to me.

[sage]

On the issue of FFs and MFs:
I used to like that Wolfie had female friends. I thought it showed that he honestly liked women and didn't just see them as objects.

Now I know that he has a REAL problem with boundaries concerning any FFs.

Does Wolfie agree that he has issues with boundaries?

Have you guys discussed how to handle it in the future?

I don't have the answers to any of this for myself and my m. It's a tremendous source of anxiety for me right now...really the thing that makes my heart pound and my head get light....

what I'm trying to impact is actually the only thing that I CAN...my reaction...my anxiety...my thought-process...my 180s, etc. In my m, dropping the rope seems to work amazingly well for so many things...no longer trying to edit or control what h is doing. Well, that plus appreciating the things that he IS doing. I have to believe that that this is a good model for the future, too.

Sage

[Hud]

Just make sure that "dropping the rope" doesn't mean you cut off communicating with H about problems, etc.

Now, obviously, you don't want to do it all the time, or even all that much. But bottling up stuff every time is no solution.

I know you know this, but sometimes being reminded of the obvious doesn't hurt.

Remember... the goal here is INTIMACY. Go get 'em!!!!

Hud

[sage]

Just make sure that "dropping the rope" doesn't mean you cut off communicating with H about problems, etc.

You're right, Hud. Thanks for the reminder. There's a balance between my taking ownership for my own stuff, dropping the rope so he can do what he needs to do AND feeling as though I can bring things up...of course, it's the latter that I struggle with the most, I think.

Of course, bringing things up in a respectful and positive way does let h know that I trust him to work with me to solve problems...that's good stuff!

Sage

[sage]

3. as we were falling asleep...h said "if you wake up and get scared or need me in any way, wake me up and I'll keep you safe and protected".

Okay...that about puts me over the top with your H...how wonderful and perceptive was that!!!! Sage, you are well on your way to love everlasting, I am so very happy for you two.
T2

---

T2 -- Thanks so much for the kind words! Yes...it's amazing to me what I am hearing from h now...SO much openness and love.

He mentioned keeping me safe again yesterday...I don't know how he knows that this has been a bigger trigger for me but his insight into it is lovely and loving.

We had a great weekend. Hiking, relaxing watching both the Red Sox and Pats yesterday, going to a movie last night, etc. We're both in school tonight but we've shared some great phone calls today.

One thing that I'll admit is perplexing me is that I don't feel as though I'm DOING much to show him how much I love him. And yet, I can only say that the results have been stupendous! I'm not sure if I'll explain this well but there's a part of me that thinks that my calming down, slowing down on action, working on my anger, accepting h totally for who he is...all THAT is what's working...but since it's so much caught up in feeling not doing...it feels weird!

Maybe it's about creating an environment where he feels as though he can be who he really is...

Sage

[psluke]

I have a feeling that creating the environment is a BIG answer for both of us!

[talitsa]

Sage, isn't the act of not doing something still an action that takes energy? Geez, that sounds very Zenlike, doesn't it? (hahahaha)

[psluke]

For me it certainly is, takes more energy than I have a lot of times!

[lostlove]

Sage, isn't the act of not doing something still an action that takes energy? Geez, that sounds very Zenlike, doesn't it? (hahahaha)

falls in the same realm as "if you chose not to decide you still have made a choice"

LL