My first step out of Newcomers

[sandi2]

I know that if Sandi's reading this she'll tell me that I shouldn't be hanging around with women at all if I want to fix my M. I'm not using them for female companionship or anything though. I'm just friends with them the way I'd be friends with one of the guys. If more of my male friends want to come out then they'd be more than welcome. I really don't want my W to believe that I've moved on but I don't want to stop seeing my friends just because they happen to be women. Totally confused about this one. Somebody help!!!

Hi there. You're right....I was reading and no I don't think you should be having one on one female friend time on Valentine's Day. For a couple of reasons, okay? First of all, everyone links V-day with romance, right? They don't think about friendships......even if they try to cover it up with that mask. Secondly, you are more vulnerable to women at this point than you realize. I know you don't want anyone but your wife, but it happens all the time. Lonely guy with lonely woman....and wham....they are in a worse mess than before. I realize people in other countries have different customs and perhaps you are capable of having female friends that are just like men......but I still think when under certain conditions.....it just is not a wise thing to do. Would you be okay with your wife going out to dinner in a romantic setting with a male "friend"? Honestly?

I know you will get this post after V-day, but I'm just now catching up on your stitch. Sorry that I got distracted in some others, but I tend to do that. It doesn't mean I no longer care about yours, I just get distracted.

So, I will go and finish reading now.

Sandi

[sandi2]

Well, I finally finished reading all the posts on this thread. I am so glad PM has been faithful to stick by you and keep you on track. I gathered that you did choose to be with a group of friends on V-day and I was proud of you for doing that.

There is a young man that I have been talking with in Newcomers and I am going to send you the link to his first post. He may stumble and mess completely up today, but so far he has been amazing in his re-inventing himself. I encourage you to read his thread b/c he had very low self-esteem and has turned that all around, not b/c of what any of us said, but he did it all by himself b/c he saw what was happening to him in his life. He, like so many LBH's was totally focused on his WAW, but I love the way he handles things now. I think it would give you some ideas maybe in your own stitch.

I think you are doing fine. It takes a long time to get over those hard bumps and rocks in the road when the WAW is so cold and giving you a hard time. When you were lying in bed thinking about your life and how you had changed after the baby was born, I imagine a few things people had posted to you were in your subconcious mind also. That shows how this board can truly help people when they are going through bad times.

Well, here is his link and maybe you will want to communicate with him and the two of you can be helpful to each other.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1720594&page=0&fpart=1

[Can it work]

Thanks for dropping in on my sitch again Sandi. I always value your advice and opinion. Not only on my own thread but also when I read your contributions to others.

Well, valentine's night came and went without me managing to do anything stupid. Also, in my defence, it wasn't a one on one situation. It was a two on one. There were two girls I went out with. Mind you, in the end one of my male friends ended up coming too. That doesn't mean it was a double date. I think romance was the furthest things from all our minds. The whole idea was for me to enjoy the night. If I didn't do something, I would've been miserable thinking about what I'd lost. In the end I had a great night so there was no harm done.

You asked if how I'd feel if my W went out for a romantic meal with a male friend. Honestly, I'd be gutted. I'd be horribly jealous and unbelievably upset about it. That's me though. If she felt the same when I did something like that, she would never have left me. I do agree with you that I'm a bit vulnerable to women right now. I just have to make sure that I keep my resolve and remain strong.

I look forward to further advice Sandi. It's good to have you back.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

CIW, would you mind explaining the above. I am very interested in what you said about thinking there might be more of a chance for reconcilation if you detach more and accepted that your M wasn't good. Is it because if you can accept that it was not good, then there are more concrete things you can work on? Therefore have more control over the sitch. That you aren't just dealing with air? Or is it because if you realize that if you detach more then she will have more room to make her choices and then will see the light?

You are sounding stronger in your recent post. I am amazed by your growth. It must be that you are thinking a lot of things through a bit more and that you have accepted the sitch and not fighting it. Sometimes you need to go with the flow to get back to where you started off. It's anti-intuitive but it may be the only way.
It's natural that you hope your W has a hard time adapting to her new life. Of course you want her to miss you, to reminisce about your life together and the happy days. We all wish that. I know she is doing that already. I think a lot of WAW has wavering doubts a lot but they present a picture of perfect stubborness to the LBS so that the LBS would leave them alone once and for all. But deep inside they are torn. They want to be happy but don't know how. They think they have be happier if they changed things around. The mistaken belief is that they are unhappy on the inside and no matter how they change things externally they cannot find peace and happiness. That journey they have to take by themselves.

I see that you are taking that journey and doing well. You are determined to live a happy life with WeeMan. It's good that you say this to yourself repeatedly and believe it. The mind is a very powerful tool. Only you can make yourself happy. Use your mind to make yourself happy.

[Can it work]

Sandi, thank you for pointing me in the direction of RobX. The man's an inspiration to relative newbies like me. You're also completely right that I'm taking a load of things from this site and incorporating them in to my many reminices about my life. There's so much help to be had here that I thank God I found it. By the way Sandi, I put myself on Face Book and joined the DB group but can't for the life of me find anything in it.

Thanks for your post once again too PM. I'll try and explain what I meant in my previous post. Looking at the thread which Sandi just directed me to, I would describe my epiphany as finally starting to drop the rope. I know that I completely love my wife and I'm finding myself more and more with every day which passes. My new confidence in myself doesn't mean that my W is going to definitely want to be with me again but it makes me believe that I'm an attractive enough person that I deserve to have that love. If not from her, from someone. I don't suppose I've made any progress recently but I've not slipped back either. As I keep getting reminded, this is a marathon I'm running and quite frankly I'm still in the early stages compared to many on here.

A quick update now. I ran in to my W's uncle on Friday and we started chatting. He is quite close in age to myself and we share common interests. We both play guitar and listen to the same kinds of music. We've always been good friends. I used to worry that I would lose all that when my W decided to walk out on me. Him and his W also have two young children who Wee Man loves visiting. Because of this, I suggested that I take Wee Man out o visit them today. He was all for the idea. He obviously told my W's aunt about it because she phoned me yesterday to ask if Wee Man and I would like to join them for Sunday dinner. I graciously accepted. When I arrived this afternoon, my W's uncle wasn't home yet so I was just chatting away with his W. We didn't really go in to any in-depth R talk about my sitch but she did ask how I was coping and things like that. There's one thing she said however that really did register with me. She told me that she'd visited my W and my IL's on Friday with her two children. When she was there, she said my W had seemed very quiet, and almost cold towards her and the kids. I was shocked because my W was always so lively and bubbly with them before. So, it seems like it's not only me who's getting this type of treatment. Is it guilt I'm sensing? I'll try not to analyse it too much but it was an interesting revelation.

I did something quite impulsive yesterday. I sold my car. My W saw the cheque when she came past to pick up Wee Man tonight and asked what it was for so I told her. She didn't sound too overly impressed as she'd just said I could have the car after our separation as she didn't want it. I know she'll be thinking now that I'm going off the rails with money but I really have thought this through. I'm buying a better car from my brother and getting a really good deal with it.

She's just texted me to ask if she can come past the house tomorrow when I'm at work to sort some stuff out. I just texted back and said, 'feel free'. I did accompany that with asking her what she was planning on doing and how Wee Man got on with going to sleep tonight. I thought better about it before I sent it and deleted the rest though. I can see it now as a form of pursuing and I need to stop that.

So, it's all happening one day at a time now. I'm still praying for great things but now know that I have to go out and make things great for myself. I'll get through it with the help of everyone here.

Kev

[sandi2]

Good job on the texting! It is easy to use the baby as means of futher conversation, but you know if there were any problems that she would tell you, so yes, it is a form of pursuing.

Glad you went to visit Rob's thread. He will lift your spirits. You have to be sold on yourself before you can sell yourself to anyone else. That is what we do when we come in contact with people. We are "selling ourselves" to them to like and respect. So, we have to believe in ourselves first. We have to respect ourselves, really feel good about who we are. That comes across loud and clear in our body language and every other way.

Keep doing the work. You are getting there.

Sandi

[Can it work]

I've just been home for lunch and I took the time to phone a friend of mine. He told me that he saw my W out on Saturday night waiting in line to get in the local night club. I know it's completely irrational and selfish of me but it upset me to hear. I realise it's a step back for me in the PMA department but I will manage to stop myself asking her about it in any way. I've come too far to go down that route! As ever it's just sent my mind reeling in all directions. What was she doing, who was she with, etc etc etc!! There's no need for anyone out there to tell me that this kind of thinking isn't healthy. I'm fully aware of that. I also know that it's completely unfair of me to expect her not to go out because I've been going out myself lately. I guess I just felt comfortable when she was telling me that she wasn't ready to go out yet. Now I've found out that she's gotten over that feeling and managed to go out clubbing. I know I'm not going to let it affect anything to do with my DBing but it still wasn't easy to hear. I suppose it had to happen sooner or later though. In a way there has been a little bit of improvement in my attitude towards it though. A few weeks ago I would've been texting her asking if she'd had a good night and trying to fish for information. I'm not going to do that this time even though I am really curious as to what went on. Unfortunately, my friend was no good for information because he can't remember much after seeing her!! He told me that he'd said hi to her and she'd told him she was surprised that he was speaking to her after everything that had happened. I think now that she wasn't going out before because she was worried people were going to be giving her a hard time.

Anyway, I know this sounds like I'm slipping but it's just happened so I thought I'd write it down when it was still fresh. I'm sure I'll get over it by the end of the day. It was just the initial shock and disappointment that got to me. Sorry if anyone feels I'm letting the side down by reacting like this.

[saffie]

CIW,

You shouldn't have to feel the need to apologise for what you feel....and this is your sanctuary.

If you can I would stop conjecturing on your W's moods/emotional state, and concentrate more on your own actions and her actions. Third party reporting from concerned friends/ relatives is sometimes misleading as what you hear is their interpretation of events and it could be way off mark; and it can be enough to drive one insane!!!!!

You are doing well working on yourself and being a good dad - that's what counts ultimately.

[PositivelyMommy]

Kev, I started on your book, 'No more Mr Nice Guy' yesterday. Wow!! Pls read my thread as I don't want to monopolize yours.

[PositivelyMommy]

Sorry if anyone feels I'm letting the side down by reacting like this.

Kev, this is typical approval seeking behavior, Mr Nice Guy. You don't have to apologize to us! We won't think any less of you because you were upset that your W lied to you and said she is not ready to go out and then goes out behind your back. It's a reasonable reaction. Give yourself permission to be angry! Anger is not bad, it's what you do with it that determines good and bad behaviors. I tell my S8 this all the time because he feels he needs to be punished for being angry. I told him that all emotions are healthy and I would like him to experience everything - joy, sadness, fun, anger, frustrations, elation etc. etc. It means that he is living life to the full! I am happy for him if he has all of those emotions.

However, if he kicks someone because of his anger then that is not acceptable, see the difference? You will find out more about things like these when you attend parenting classes. They are truly great. In fact, I would suggest if you have any in your neighborhood to check them out, parenting psychology has a lot in common with MC, I think. It's never too soon to start those as your child is young but he can feel and see the values you set with your attitude to things. If you are more aware then your language will reflect acceptance rather than authoritarian. Believe me, I am working hard on this but not successful every time.

Back on track, you can feel whatever feelings you want, like Saffie said. It's not WRONG to feel feelings, even negative ones. Post your feelings, don't worry about what we think. Your opinion and feelings matters and we'd rather talk to you, the real person, as opposed to an idealized version of Kev.