Well here is what happened. All week it has been the ring is off, it is on, it is off and it is on. I got off the roller coaster. Today he called and asked if it I was ready to see each other - offering the info that he finally understood that I had given him space to work on his issues, and now he has come to realize that I need space too. I said it would be ok to see where we are. He mentioned having an IC session Sat night and would stop over after.
The door bell rings shortly after I get home - and it is him. He said he was done his IC and came over as planned. I said we got our signals crossed - I was sorry I misunderstood - he turned and left without a word. I thought what the F*** he is going to turn this bad.
He calls a few minutes later to say, well I guess we got our answer about where things are betwn us - nowhere. I responded without being heard, if that is how you want to see things. He then questioned me about my S's car being there as he thought we were going to be alone. I said I came home and he was ill with a high fever, I didn't think he should go his F that way.
Then he goes on to tell me, how well everything is going for him with AA, his sponsor and IC. He went on and on, so I stayed quiet because sometimes it makes him worry and he stops more quickly. He mentions that his C thinks he shouldn't come back while the kids are still living with me. That set me off but I stayed quiet. When he was done talking about how good he was - he asked if I had any response. I began to say how good it was to hear that it is working for him. Then he went off on himself again - so I hung up. Rude but I am tired of his not listening to me. He called back right away to apologize for his behavior and told me to go on. I repeated the first part and then said that I was not happy to hear he is not working on coming back because of the kids and that he has a C who supports that idea. He tried to tell me that he was only doing what I asked him to do - and didn't know why I was angry about it? I just plainly repeated myself - not happy about the fact that we will not be working on the M - it was not why I got M in the first place. But I admit I had heard it from him - and now he says his C backs it up - so it is done for us.
He tried to object and asked to give a response. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. He complained that he gave me a response time, but didn't understand why I wouldn't give him one. He chose to respect my request and say good bye.
I know I did not handle that interchange well at all. I am so tired of hearing him say that he can't do it - instead of let me find out how to. I am so tired of hearing that I have to forgive and accept his terrible behavior and mistreatment because he had a problem, but he can't learn to do the right thing himself.
I know I probably pushed him away further than ever, but it really does bother me that I put up with so much crap with him and he can't put up with the stress of living with a family.
I am so hurt, angry and ready to throw in the towel. I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't really want to be with me and the life I have. I have always disliked some things about him but this one thing is making me dislike him more than anything else. I know he is thinking that it is going to take some time apart before things can get worked out - hopefully by then the kids will be on their own. But I resent that scenario. I agree that he needs time to work on his stuff before working on our R. But knowing that he would choose not to be with me for any reason is unacceptable.
I am ready to curl up in a hole and quietly sleep until it is all over. Wake me when life becomes fair somebody will you?
