Walk Away German Wife (WAGW)

[PortlandDad]

Yeah having my kids is definitely the silver lining to this whole situation.

I spoke to her again today as she was getting ready for the trip, and she was just full of crappy news for me. She told me that she wasn't going to be able to stay for a full two weeks because her job interview was on Mar 5th, so she changed the tickets to return on Mar 2nd.

*Sigh*

That only gives us 8 days. And just to rub salt in it, Mar 1st is our 18th anniversary. Then she tells me that she wants to sell her expedition when she comes back so she can afford to pay off her car in Germany. She knows that I use her exp to take the kids places because my car is a compact. Ouch. Another attachment is being broken.

Am I'm being too optimistic? Maybe I'm imagining a post-WAW life with her and trying to think what 'we' will have left. At the moment, it's really hard to stay positive...

[PMA_Baby!]

Why is it HER expedition if u have the kids? Did she own it prior to the marriage?

If not. You're half owner and u don't want to sell it. U need to get an attrny asap. to have orders put in place. Remember your WAW is confused and is not in the right mindset. Protect your kids FIRST.

[InLikeFlynn]

You need to put your foot down. Its bad enough you gave alot of money before she left....which aided her in her knew life in Germany, but now you will allow her to cash out the family (Not hers) expedition??? Stop helping her leave the family!!! She gets no more money or assets of any kind.

[smith18]

PD -

You could always consider buying her half out of the Expedition.

This is my lawyer (and was my cousin's). He is located downtown in the building next to the library. He has been practicing family law in Portland going back to the 1970's so he has dealt with it all.

If your W is reasonable, you both could save considerable money by using this excellent mediator who is also downtown.

If your marriage ends up going to a divorce, she can do all of the legal paperwork. With kids and assets like a house, it is best to avoid a "do it yourself" kit for divorce - too easy for mistakes to be made.

You might also want to look into legal seperation if you think there is a chance she may change her mind in the future.

[PortlandDad]

PMA_Baby and InLikeFlynn:

Prior to November it was our exp, but I did buy it for her back in 2003 and she drove it primarily. In November she wanted to take it with her to Germany and since I was still in my own fantasy that this was going to be over in 3 months, I agreed. She called around to a bunch of shippers and found that she had to have a clear title if she wanted to ship it, so I signed the title over to her so she could take it. It turned out to be more expensive than she realized, so she ended up leaving it here (which was even more delightful to me since without transportation, I thought, she would even be home sooner.

KK: Thanks for the links. I really need to start doing my homework about my options here. I'm fighting like hell to avoid a divorce, but maybe a legal separation would work. I am still afraid to slam the door shut on her, especially after only three months!

I'm going to give her these next 8 days to really see if I can make any positive inroads with her using my best DB tactics. I'll take stock and decide what to do when she leaves. My MIL thinks that a week at home just might get her back to us.

One thing is for sure, I won't be helping her or enabling her fantasy life any longer! If I have any legal recourse to having her sell the exp, I will find that out, too.

[PortlandDad]

My W arrived today around noon at PDX. I took my boys with me to the airport to pick her up. My D had a friend over and didn't want to go. I stopped and bought a dozen roses for her; I figured that the boys would give them to her, and I only wanted to see the reaction on her face anyway.

When she got off the plane she looked so good to me, despite the fact that she has flu and felt like crap. She also has some serious anxieties about flying: apparently she started hyperventilating during a rough patch during the flight and the steward had to give her a sedative.

She wasn't warm to me initially, but I was positive, upbeat, and as aloof as I could be (aside from sneaking glances at her as we were driving home.) Once we got home, though, she went right into her "mode": making me a cup of coffee, giving me some german candies that she knows I love, siting next to me outside while we enjoyed the surprisingly mild February day.

I spoke to my MIL who also came with her. It seems that the two of them turned their apartment upside down looking for the title to the exp before they left and they couldn't find it. What my MIL confided to me was that she took it and hid it! My MIL is a saint! I also found out from her that my W had the common sense to purchase an "escape" clause when she bought the car. She can return it to the dealer for any reason within 6 months for a modest pro-rated fee. It seems even she was harboring some doubts as to whether buying the car was a good idea. It was a day of positives all around!

I am so happy right now and so are the kids. I know better than to get over-excited, but today could not have played out any better than if I had scripted it!

[PortlandDad]

Today is starting out pretty good. My W got up early and called her Dad in Germany. Then she started cleaning the house and berating me about how I let it get so dirty. What is funny is she is that the kids and I busted our kiesters cleaning last week but she is such a clean-nut that it would never be clean enough for her. I think if she didn't feel some sense of attachment that she wouldn't even bother. She even gave me a hug today for helping her clean the bathroom! It was the hardest thing for me to break that embrace, but I took the lead and broke it off first.

Of course, she did have to get in a few jabs about "she is glad that she doesn't live her any more" and other words to that effect, but I think she was just venting about the state of the house primarily. I think it is best to just let the comments slide because she is still in WAW mode and as Stuck says, "There is still work to do".

Still, there are a few warnings signs that I am concerned about: she didn't bring her laptop with her, so she said she wanted to update her Wer Kennt Wen profile, which is sorta like the German equivalent of Facebook. She used my sons computer and wanted us all out of the room while she did it.

The other one was that she has started wearing some very sexy underwear lately! She has always worn pretty conservative and functional underthings, but that seems to have changed since she's been gone. If it's a self-esteem thing, then I'm all for it (and I do mean ALL for it!) but given her history, I have my lingering suspicions.

Even so, today is starting out good, too, but one thing I know is how quickly things with her can go south.

[PortlandDad]

Today turned out pretty darned good. W and MIL were both sick and stayed in bed almost all afternoon, so my plans for the family outing were scrapped. W was also feeling a little sick to her stomach and took an acid reducer that she wasn't used to and started having a violent reaction to it. She called for me to hold her while she was heaving and crying. Afterword she asked me to rub her feet and back while she was laying in bed and we snuggled for a little while until she went to sleep.

I'm such a sap and a pleaser...

My copy of the 5 Love Languages will be here tomorrow. I have heard some good things about it and I hope it doesn't disappoint.

[smith18]

PD -

It sounds optimistic and I think you are doing just fine. As long as you dont have any big expectations and are not walking on eggshells, you will come out of this just fine no matter what your W's ultimate decision is.

[PortlandDad]

Today wasn't as good as the last two. It was rainy today and my W absolutely hates the rain, so she was already in down mood. Because both my W and MIL slept in last night, they both were up around 3am, and my W started right in cleaning again! She woke me up around 5am because she wanted to have a talk about our oldest S17, whom she suspected of taking some prescription medicine of hers.

That precipitated a big fight between me, her, and our S around 6am. Ugh. I tried to take her side in the firestorm, but I also know that my S didn't take the medicine, so I was trying to calm her down and be reasonable. I don't think I made friends on either side of the conflict.

I went to work and shortly after I got there my W called me and asked where her keys were for the expedition. They were on my keyring, of course, so I had to take an early lunch just to drive home and give her the keys. She did come out to the car as I pulled up and put her hand on my arm and said I looked sick and that she is worried about me. I smiled and told her not to worry and drove back to work.

Later, we all went out for chinese food. As we were leaving the restaurant, my son came out and vomited in the parking lot (something that he has been doing a lot since his mom left) and my W freaked out. That started an argument about why he was doing it (the doctor said it is stress-related and he is on anti-anxiety medication), and my W asked me bold-faced if I wanted her to stay here so that everyone can get over all these maladies (loss of appetite, depression, anxiety, breakdowns, etc.) I so wanted to tell her "yes", but I resisted and just said "You are an adult, and I won't tell you what to do."

She wouldn't leave it at that, however and she wanted to talk/argue further when we got home. She said that living here makes her miserable. She asked me if I thought her coming back was a mistake. I said that I didn't think it was. Then she asked why everyone was so depressed and sick. By that time I was getting tired of that line of questioning, so I said that I thought she could figure it out for herself, and that the kids' problems were something that I had to deal with on a daily basis.

It was a backslide on my part, but I didn't lose my temper, or blurt it out. It was more "matter-of-fact" than anything, but she started saying that I was trying to make her feel guilty. I replied that I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty, but if she was feeling that way that maybe she should think about why that was, and then I left her outside to smoke her cigarette and I went back inside.

She was angry when she came back in. She took one of my sleeping pills and tromped upstairs to go to sleep. I talked to my MIL for a few minutes, then came to read the DB forums. About 30 minutes after she went to bed, my W got up and asked me to come hold her warm until she fell asleep.

It's amazing the swings in her emotions! One minute I'm the enemy and trying to force her into a gulag, and the next she can't go to sleep without me holding her. I'm not expecting a miracle (yet).