Spellfire # 3 - Need a campfire here

[spellfire]

I think she is going to continue making those kinds of assumptions until she knows you aren't going to pressure her. She doesn't know that yet. It's going to take more time and consistency in your actions. Lucky is right, continue being consistent and transparent.

You are right, I need to keep demonstrating that I can be physically affectionate without turning it into something sexual.
Right now she doesn't know what to expect, since she has a long history of me reacting to being near her, and only recently has seen me not react sexually to being close to her.

That said, how do I let her know that I do want more? I guess she did tell me "If you need physical contact, don't just sigh, say something."

I have never really vocalized my dissatisfaction. When I really do want more, I need to tell her, even if I think it's bad timing.

And keeping count of the days is NOT helping you. You can keep telling yourself that it doesn't bother you that much but as long as you're keeping track of the days it shows you ARE still focused on getting as much as you think you deserve.

This is an internal conflict for me. Since reading NMMNG, I have decided I will settle for no less than a sexually fulfilling R. I continue to work hard on DBing, but the whole SSM thing is a deal breaker for me. I deceived myself for so long that I could live this way, until I shut down so much my W was ready to leave me.

Are you saying counting the days is not a good measure of how sexually fulfilled I am? Is there a better way to decide how much is enough effort on her part in order for me to stay?

I think one of the problems in my R is that W believed and continues to believe I would never leave her. She sees me as someone who avoids change and seeks security. I need to change this perception in her. She feels too safe, and does not make our R a priority.

Not to say you aren't right, but it will come through to your W and she instinctively knows that you're still keeping track and that adds to the sense of pressure. Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes sense, although I think even if I stop counting the days, she will still feel a sense of pressure, whether real or imagined. She says she feels guilty she can't give me what I need, plus she is conscious of the times I ask her and she turns me down, and even if she doesn't count the days, she is aware it has been a while. If I bring up the topic, she gets extremely defensive and says "don't you think I feel guilty enough as it is?", but she does nothing, and nothing changes, and she is unwilling to work on the issue. It feels like a defense to get me to drop the subject. Even when I am not saying anything that would induce guilt and just opening up to her about the subject, she does this.

Sorry this post is all over the place, I am just putting it all out there as it comes to mind, maybe I will try to make more sense of it all later.