I happen to think you're onto something. I KNOW that in these "enlightened" times, we are politically incorrect in believing there is any difference between FF's and MF's for either gender.
But in MY experience (and I've been the one to have closer MF's than CJ FF's) there is always this element of sexuality. Even with MF's I've known for 35 years!!!
These were the guys offering to give me "solace" when CJ was treating me badly and ready to leave!
That was certainly not the kind of support I received from my FF's!
Of course we both have couple pals, I consider lots of men to be friends, but not with the level of intimacy that I share with #1) CJ #2) my sister #3) my FF H.
I know that one of the most painful nights for me last year was when CJ went over to H's and stayed for most of the night...at the time she was very close friends to us BOTH and CJ was sharing intimate info with her too.
We ALL realized after that night that this dynamic just would NOT work out, and although it was CJ's loss (he does not have many confidantes) it did save us a lot of grief.
Hud -- thanks for the book reqs. I appreciate them.
Quoting Hud: What do I really need from another FF that I shouldn't be able to get from my W and my MFs? Nothing but trouble as far as I 'm concerned.
So...I WILL get down a rathole for myself if I start thinking again "h can't have FFs" or whatever. I personally think that developing an intimate 1-on-1 relationship with a person of the opposite sex can cloud a m. sitch...so, I agree with that viewpoint.
But the quote above actually speaks directly to what I'm trying to say my 180 is...at the first inkling of h having a friendship (and I'm not saying an intimate friendship at this point) I completely panic, go into high anxiety mode and withdraw from my h. I get angry, scared, nervous, you name it. And aren't I then taking things away from h that he'll want to go seek somewhere else? Again, not to add to the simplicity but if I'm not laughing at his jokes, telling him funny stories, etc why wouldn't he want to spend more time with someone who is?
I absolutely see your point. My post was only about managing my behavior so that I'm not contributing a dimension that's gonna bite me in the A$$.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
..."I feel completely happy. I'm like wrapped in it. I love you so much and I can feel us getting stronger every day. I love school and what I'm doing..."
Ah Sage. Finally. You deserve those words. I'm very happy for you.
Haven't had time to catch up on your most recent entries, but this post says all I want to hear.
How do you have such clear thoughts? I realized I do the same thing when I feel threatened by David's FF I withdraw and become not the person he enjoys spending time with.
So thank you for posting this so we can all see it!
I think it is so wonderful all the things your H is saying to you now!!! So great that you are finally getting the words to go with the actions!!!!!!!!!!
I have a question for you I know having read some of your threads at times you have dealt with issues that were yours and not really anything caused your H's actions. What my take is on how you handled them when it was repeat sorts of things is you just kept working on back talking your ASSumptions and logically thinking things through and sitting goals for yourself to work towards. Would that be what you would say?
I did a more of the same at the end of my visit yesterday. And just trying to find the best way to deal with OW thoughts.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: 3. as we were falling asleep...h said "if you wake up and get scared or need me in any way, wake me up and I'll keep you safe and protected".
Okay...that about puts me over the top with your H...how wonderful and perceptive was that!!!! Sage, you are well on your way to love everlasting, I am so very happy for you two. T2
Okay apparently your H is involved with an intellectual...
Quote: We had to switch vehicles last night and she left a pair of perfume drenched underwear in the truck.
HELLO can you spell COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY IMMATURE AND INSECURE? What kind of woman with any REAL self worth would do such an immature thing? What is she 12?
YES YOU can work through this...she is a short time fix to a long time problem....she WILL implode, just stand back so you don't get any of her pathetic madness on you when she does. T2
I think your analysis of your part in perhaps making FF's More enticing (your panic, withdrawal etc) is RIGHT on the mark.
What an excellent insight, and the 180's it will breed are bound to change that entire dynamic.
I think back to the recent incident where your H shared his conversation with FS (female student). Your behaviour there told him loud and clear that he can share such things with YOU. FF's are far less likely to become "confidants" if YOU are the confidant instead!!!
Quoting psluke: How do you have such clear thoughts?
It's a constant challenge! Seriously.
You know how we share the habit of negative, runaway thinking? well, we both know that it can be a detriment to our sitch, right? we get caught up in some negative story and let it run wild...our minds and bodies become convinced that the bad thing we're thinking about has really happened.
But the runaway thinking can also be a good thing if you take some time to guide yourself through the thought process. Picture a scenario where you're in runaway thinking mode...now, instead of just letting the negative thoughts run free...start asking them questions...what am I really thinking here? What am I afraid of? What am I really worried about? If you let your mind wander but still on a leash...you may find out that you know yourself better than you think you do.
I think you have some real strengths, Pam that you could work with here...you said that writing out your thoughts really helps you...you could do that in a "stream of consciousness" way to get at what you really think, feel, etc and then figure out what part of it you OWN and can change. The other thing that you've mentioned is that you have to work through a feeling...in other words, not try to talk yourself out of it. That is SO key because in order to identify what you can do to change a sitch you really have to work through all the anxiety and fear.
In order to really understand what a 180 would be for me, I had to sit with what is actually a terrifying situation for me -- the thought that h will get involved with another woman.
Quote: I have a question for you I know having read some of your threads at times you have dealt with issues that were yours and not really anything caused your H's actions. What my take is on how you handled them when it was repeat sorts of things is you just kept working on back talking your ASSumptions and logically thinking things through and sitting goals for yourself to work towards. Would that be what you would say?
So...part of this is what I said above and part of it is training my mind...
I feel like a broken record but I truly believe that my daily meditation practice has made all the difference.
also, listening to audiotapes helps too...I think because my brain really gets it when it hears stuff (as opposed to seeing stuff).
I'm currently listening to "Women Who Think Too Much" by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. It's essentially about the runaway thinking syndrome. TBH, I haven't found it terribly insightful about how to STOP runaway thinking (well, I'm only halfway through) but it does give some reasonable insights into why one might do it.
Another book that helped me develop more compassion for myself (and others) is "Love is Letting Go of Fear" by Gerald G. Jampolsky.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
