Dianes Roller Coaster Ride continued... lol

[Jayce]

Hey, Diane, glad to see your reply. Print it out or retype it & forward it to him. And hand it to himagain when he gets home.I get that you would put him out rather than move out yourself. Me, too.

I don't think of repeating the same request or question until H answers as nagging. Nagging is a word that has always been applied to women as a stereotypical bad trait that is supposed to make us ashamed of being harpies or guilty for being a bother. Funny but at least 2 of the relationship books I read tell guys to either "not let it get that far" or "do what she wants & she'll stop" unfortunately, that last one might not happen cuz of guys who like power struggles. Nagging & being bossy are the 2 faves to slap us with. I think they both result when guys are in "little boy" mode rather than "being the man they want to be".

Its not surprising you aren't sure you feel desire for him, but you still are able to feel desire. He may be able to feel desire but has repressed it for so long because of whatever bad things happened regarding sex in his past that he's able to go without rather than risk wrecking his comfortable life to have it.

Its good that he didn't realize you felt less of a woman, so he isn't withholding sex to make you feel bad. But I'm sure he doesn't realize that it will continue & get worse if he doesn't respond further. He may be clueless, but backing off won't motivate him to think or do better. He is never going to come to you on his own. If you stop now, nothing will change. It probably would help if someone else talked to him. You mentioned knowing friends of his, & your brother knows him. By this time, I'd be thinking about an intervention. Or an ambush (another 'bad' word). I hate to see you give up. But I know being continually ignored & rejected is exhausting.

First of all, what you're asking is imperative to a close marital relationship. It is what marriage is. Second, its a reasonable request. Please don't give up. In a way you only have to deal with hoping & then being disappointed when he's home. If you were together all the time it would much harder to live with. It isn't right for him to flat refuse to think, talk, act. I'm sure if you split he'll blame you because you want sex. Probably won't feel at all at fault because he denied it to you.

You are a good, worthwhile, smart & desirable woman who deserves an intimate relationship with her husband. You are only in your 30's once. No do-overs. Life is too short to spend several years of it without a partner who shares his thoughts and feelings & himself with you. You almost sound like you want to give him a break by quitting. Why? You need to get the break of him overcoming his little boy and being the grown man he needs to be. He'll like & reapect himself a lot more when that happens.

Tell him (email & phone)you are looking forward to ML a few times while he's home and follow through. Initiate. He won't. And if you don't he'll take the easy way out & assume you didn't mean it. "You apologized for making me feel less of a woman, so you're not going to do that any more, honey, right?"

Last year at this time, I considered just letting it go because of the effort it would take, and not trying to initiate anymore or pressure him or try to fix it. Bit I felt so depressed about the future it was umbearable. I need to have good things to look forward to. Be happy. Have fun. Have him care. So I've been thru hell for probably 6 of the last 12 months with most of the rest being unpredictable highs and lows. I got him to understand all of it. To try. To succeed. To reconnect with enjoying life. Not perfect, but a work in progress and so much better than a bleak future of not feeling loved.

You're not nagging, you're insisting. You're fighting for the life you want. Be pleasant, be strong and be firm and go for it. No one else will do it for you. We're with you and know you are a great woman who is not nagging.
Jayce