Thanks Punkt for all the wisdom and advice, this is a very troubling time for me. If there were some real issues like me cheating, mistreating, abusing; mentally, verbally or physically, just anything, this might not be so hard to deal with. Some days I wake up wondering why I cry, why am I hurting and feeling pain about this when I can honestly say I felt I was losing her a while ago. It was just her level of respect and the betrayal. I asked for MC on a regular basis and my W just refused. I would tell her we don't have all the tools and we could learn how to do things better, but there was nothing I could do to get her to commit to anything of that nature. We've just been like roommates, I was not even able to get her to come together to handle our finances as a couple. It's like she was a master at keeping us separate on many levels. But even with that, from my perception I felt we were doing ok; NORMAL, hence we had decided to have kids earlier last year. NOTHING MAKES SENSE. I just did not see us going through the types of things like the marriages of our family or friends, but they were making it. I would ask my W that all the time. Why we were not making it?
I have chosen to honor my vows and to love my W unconditionally, and I think that is where she failed. Through all of her misdoings, nothing had changed how I felt about her. I think I have grown to be wiser now. I have been the better man for years for the sake of the M. Sometimes I just want to fight fire with fire. I have done everything for my W. She has it so easy. I spoiled her. But isn't that what I'm supposed to do? I guess I'm just venting, but you were right about that quote: he who controls a thing destroys and thing. I have been the better man, and its getting heavy on me. For instance, dealing with all the betrayal and disrespect, it took me months to change the locks, not going to church; I was still handling her affairs months after the separation. I still come home and see her things. And this bothers me the most, and I have not found a better way to deal with it. We used to work in the same office building up until July 08, and everyday someone is asking me about my W. How is she doing? When is she coming back? Tell her I said hi. She still has friends there, I know somebody knows. I just look like I'm in denial. I'm getting to the point where I might get on the intercom and tell the whole company we are separated, but who am I fooling, no one would believe it or there would be more questions. She is not dealing with things like this.
Again, you are so right, everything has been my fault and I have learned to accept where she is at mentally. I think she is also still trying to bait me into an argument, but I avoid. Like you said, I would just be giving her more reasons to justify what she's doing. The other day I called my W about the mail situation and left a message that she could come by to pick it up the next day. She calls a few hours later and tells me she could not take the call because she was at the movies. Side note, she refused to go to the movies with me or complained about it. She would say that's all we do, but would often go to the movies with her family or girlfriends. Then I also tell her my father was rushed to ER so that's why I did not get back to her promptly and that he is still pretty much fighting for his life. So I assume she is trying to be consoling by telling me about somebody she has been talking to about a similar situation where this somebody's mother has cancer or what not. Well eventually that somebody starts turning into a he and a him. Who does something like that like that?
