pre walkaway wife

[sandi2]

Hi ByFaith,

I've fwd #38 to OM and confronted him about boundaries.

So, has he responded to you yet? I understand that the two of you are friends, but I really think after this that you should not have any more discussions with him b/c he has already told you that it was one-side. So, he is keeping his a$$ covered. There is another thing to think about also and that is he will likely show it or forward it to your W and that will not go over well with her. His wife may open his email if you sent it to his house, which exposing what is going on between him and your wife may have to be an option to consider if things don't stop immediately. There are so many things to consider when doing anything like sending an email or discussing the matter with him. But until you see how or if he responds to what you sent, I would not include him in any of your DB work. If, at a later time, you have to expose the EA, then we will discuss that then, but for now, I think it would be best not to discuss it with him. He is only going to deny anything on his part, like he did before. Which I don't believe and don't trust him, however, you are not going to get any "help" from him. If you were getting the message of #38 across to him and how you feel about the vacation, and how they talk together, etc., then I think it might be okay this time, but wouldn't do anything else until later.

I'm working on myself and spending time with my kids and taking each of them on special dates now and they really love it and are appreciative too.

That is really great! They will feel so special that they have daddy all to themselves. It also gets you out of the house, give her "space" and makes for a closer relationship with your kids. Good job!

I'm just wondering if I should cut off all relationships with our fellowship group becos that is what she is going to do but it is the only group we have now and they will be suspicious and the OM is still in the group.

In what sense are you referring to a "fellowship group"? Is this a church related group. That is when the word fellowship is usually used is why I asked. Also, has she said that she is going to stop going? Why do you think the group will be suspicious? Is it b/c she has been flirting openly with OM there? Is the OM's wife there also? I know, a lot of questions, but trying to learn more about the stitch. I want to hear your answers, but I will go ahead and say this about my first thoughts. If attending the group is causing problems.....then stop going. Even if it is a church fellowship activity, don't go. You can go to another church and get involved there. If this is some type of club or civic organization, I will say the same thing. If this is causing problems in the M and if OM attends......the smart thing to do is remove yourselves from the environment. Anybody or anyplace that causes your wife to be tempted or struggles with the idea of the OM being there or presents problems between the two of you.....don't go. It would be crazy to presist in attending knowing that she thinks she is in love with OM. There are too many opportunities and other people and groups of new friends that you can meet and become a part of them. You do not have to contine attending where you and wife will be uncomfortable. If the group gets suspicious just b/c she stops going....then I doubt they are "Christians" and are just looking for something to gossip about. Perhaps they have seen the look in her eyes and noticed the body language. You know, people give themselves away and don't even realize it. If OM is stupid enough to actually tell the group why she stops attending, then he isn't much of a man.....much less a friend. But let me know more about this group and why you said what you did, okay?

I am so glad that you are going to work on yourself and work at the MR. While thinking about the boundaries and what you will not tollerate living in/with, I hope you will make a list of goals for yourself. Just a few to start out with. Make short term goals and ones that are "attainable". For an example, what do you have planned for getting a life over the weekend? Are there any special events coming up in the near future? Where would you like to see yourself.....as far as your physical appearance in a month from now? Is there a particular bad habit you want to break? Just some things you want to work on. Maybe have some short term and then some long term goals. Don't say, I want my wife to love me again. Make them about "you", not about her. Of course, that is the result of your goals, but focus on yourself b/c you have a hard road ahead of you and you will need to stay on course.

Remember to keep any list of goals, boundaries, or DBing, put away from your wife. These are personal and for you only.

If you do not want to snoop and find out for sure that she is or isn't having an EA, that is fine. You live with what you can. However, I would go by the Do's and Don'ts list b/c she told you she hated you and there has to be a reason behind her saying that. Whatever her reason, that list should work. However, if you see that she is getting worse in her behavior and acting more moody or showing ugly ways.....you may need to try to find out what is going on. We can talk more about that later. As I have told you, Puppy Dog Tails is good to help b/c he has been down that road and he shoots from the hip with his advice.

I will be around this weekend if you want to talk more. Most people are busy and there aren't as many posting, so don't get discouraged if you don't see a lot of activity on here. But I am usually close by. I do hope you will stay as busy as possible when she is there at the house. And, if she acts as if she wants to watch TV with you, or be in the same room, that is fine and dandy. However, if she makes her way into another room to get distance between you, then that is your clue. If she is on the computer.....and you walk into the room....notice if she closes the screen she was on as soon as you walk into the room. If she does, it is a sign she is up to no good. Probably emailing of IMing the OM. If she goes outside or somewhere "private", she may be calling him on her cell. Of course, she can TM him anywhere at any time. If she makes up some excuse to leave the house and is gone longer than it should take to do what she said, she probably is meeting him someplace. These are a few signs to watch for.

Okay, talk to you later. Hope you have a peaceful night.

Take care,
Sandi