so today when I leave for work I say bye and she does not even look at me when she says bye. But as I was sitting in my truck listening to some preaching and getting ready to drive home from work she text me to tell me she was getting her hair cut and was picking up dinner for me. Go figure. It was a good evening.
It's like I said before noedphi, don't expect everything to be a horrible experience. She may surprise you every now & then with an act of kindness, don't make a big deal out of it, if she wants to invest a small amount of time, money, effort, etc. into you, just say thank you without being overly appreciative. It's good that she invests a little bit in you, let her. When we invest resources into things (time, money, effort, all of the above), we tend to like those things more, want those things more, continue to invest more resources into those things.
If she talks more, just listen to her. No arguing, validate what she says and see it from her point of view, regardless of your logic (remember men's logic and women's emotions don't usually jive) just don't let her be abusive of you in which case don't reward her actions with your attentions - just remove yourself from the situation.
But I would say picking up dinner for you is a nice gesture so look at it that way and just say thank you with a warm smile and eat your dinner.
Don't pursue her or start conversation, allow her to do that and you just listen and respond.
How is getting a life working for you? What have you been doing to get your mind off this stuff?
How is getting a life working for you? What have you been doing to get your mind off this stuff?
Well, not as good as I was hoping. But I am working on it. Took a 2 hour drive on sunday to nowhere. Finances are killing me. So I am doing what I can. Walkiing, sit ups, pushups etc... Trying to keep the wieght off that I lost.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
Not to blow smoke up Robx's butt or anything, but THIS kind of advice (and observations) is EXACTLY the "even keel" you've been needing!
I hope you're nice to him, and he sticks around your thread for awhile. Your temperament is such that you could really use his steady, wise counsel.
Puppy
Thanks bro, LOL! No it's not blowing smoke up my butt to acknowledge someone else's advice as valid, you share a decent amount of wisdom on this site, so if you noticed something I said as being applicable to noed's thread here, I appreciate it.
Noedphi, continue taking care of yourself, getting out, hooking up with friends, making friends, joining support groups, etc. There really is a ton of stuff to be done out there: search the newspapers and internet for local groups & activities that require little to no $$$ investment to participate in. You would be surprised as to how much stuff is actually available. Here's the catch, you may not like it at first, you may feel uncomfortable at first but getting out of your comfort zone is the first step in personal growth: experiencing the unknown is the only way to learn more about yourself and the ability to handle new situations & environments. I'm sure you have access to a library, get it in gear and head out to one and spend some time out there, they're may even be support groups for spouses that are recently separated/divorced/widowed - that's a great outlet for talking to people in similar situations and being exposed to a group dynamic that shares alot of the same problems & issues and help you deal with them through discussion & implementation of new skills & coping methods.
Just get out there and do it. Let us know how it's working out.
for right now it's going to be hard to do anything. We are going to be moving real soon. Just got approved for a house and will know Sunday about the one I prefer. So with working 10 hours a day and moving I won't have time to get much of a life. So any suggestions on how to act during this time where we will have to spend a lot of time interacting with another? Also would like to ask, who should get the master bedroom in the new house? She is making more than me and I am sure she will use that fact. I feel I should get it.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
so W text me around 5:00 saying " will be late " I say ok and also included the score of the hockey game. Which I guess I am going to stop doing. I always did that before when she was going to miss part or all of a game and I always got a response. Now I don't get a reponse everytime.
W arrives just after 9:00 and I am upstairs laying in bed watching tv. Before I would have been down stairs waiting for her.
When she came in I could hear her say where is everybody.
I was expecting her to come up and change and go directly back down stairs. But W proceded to tell me how bad of a day she had. So I validated, gave her my undivided attention and she told about the good things that happened. She almost seemed like the old W I used to know. It was a good 5 minutes.
I thought she was going to be late because she had to go see her sister in the hospital. Turns out she had to drive awhile to get her phone replaced. The only thing I don't like is that she took the girl from work that has been supporting my W in her decision to D me. She supports my W and tells her us being " just friends " and living together CAN work because she is doing the same thing with her ex. They grabbed something to eat and had a drink on their way home.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
Just want to mention that my W was also doing the "want to remain friends, you are still D4's Dad and I would invite you to family gatherings etc" bit.
I told her I cannot remain friends with her, and would have nothing to do with her except in dealings with D4. She got pissed, then upset and gave me the "if you truly loved me you would want to have something rather than nothing". I stuck to my guns and told her that I would be too hurt by her giving up on us to be around her.
This was a sobering moment for her, as she realized it wasn't going to be the fantasy she envisaged.
Yes, it is an ultimatum of sorts, and it could backfire, but I think it shows integrity and forces them to consider what they truly stand to lose.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
just don't let her be abusive of you in which case don't reward her actions with your attentions - just remove yourself from the situation.
Just so you guys know, she has never, ever been abusive or raised her voice to me. So that is something I never had to worry about.
Maybe that is part of the problem. When we would argue even if I did not yell she would be distant for a couple of days after. or if we ML she would be fine instantly. She NEVER yelled or what ever. She would only come close when I was at my worst.
When she was or seemed distant after a disagreement before the bomb, I would asked her and she always said she was not still mad after our arguments just that her feelings were hurt and it takes time for them to get better.
So its hard to read her. All the nice things she says and does not she thinks she is doing for me as a friend. And cause she is never and I mean NEVER mean in a abusive way it is very hard to read her moods.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
