Que Sera, Sera - Whatever Will Be, Will Be

[pearlharbr]

Good morning lemonsnap!

Just checking in to see how your night was.

IMHO, a one night stand is WAY different than an ongoing EA or PA. But then again we're women. I've read before that men find any physical interaction much harder to deal with. Another book to add to your list is Not Just Friends. It's about getting over affairs and comes highly recommended around here. I will admit I have a copy but reading the first chapter made me so angry with xBF that I put it down and haven't picked it up again. So maybe see if the library has it before spending any money on your own copy. It's supposed to be good for both parties in the R so it may contain some info that would help H.

On another topic, my best friend from HS lives in Sedro Wooley and I know a few people (including some of xBF's family) who live in Bellingham. Small world!

[lemonsnap]

Kassie - thanks so much for coming over to see me! I'll come and check out your thead soon too.
Pearl - you're so sweet! Thanks for sending out the red alert.

Yesterday, oddly, was a pretty good day. After Wednesday, which was probably the WORST day of my life (when H, through MC, told me he has NO interest in working on our M) I think there was nowhere to go but up. I was suprisingly calm and detached and was able to keep my wild emotions in check. Didn't even cry!

I was able to interact on a completely friendly level with my H, and gave him friendly encouragement about finding an apartment, his exam at school and other things.

I've stopped saying ILY, have stopped calling him nicknames, am not calling/texting him unless it's practical/business related, have even started knocking to go in the bathroom when he's in there. He's expressed that he only wants to be friends, so that's what I'm giving him. I think he's unaware that I'm doing this with the hopes that it will help us reconnect, but that's the way I'd like it to stay right now. He doesn't need to know. Actually, he shouldn't know, because I don't think he'd like it.

This morning I made him coffee (I've stopped drinking it and he always made it previously) and toast for breakfast while he was showering - he seemed really surprised.

I'm learning that suffering from PTSD is common after an infidelity, and is even called "Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder." It mimics a lot of the symptoms that combat or major disaster trauma also reflect. There are certainly things that can be done to help it (specific types of therapy, anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications, etc) but the issue is the PTSD sufferer has to be willing to undergo the treatment.

I don't think my H is there. He's even expressed doubt as to whether he will attend another MC session with me after tonight's. (Using his logic, why would he continue to attend if he has no hope for the relationship?)

It's going to be a LONG road for both of us - and of course I worry about his well being, especially if he's not willing/able to get help for himself.

In the end, the only person I can help is me.

[lemonsnap]

Hi Pearl! Amazingly, I was able to sleep really well last night-without any help. I think I'm in a state of exhaustion! Wearing earplugs helps. It's like sleeping in a little cocoon.

IMHO, a one night stand is WAY different than an ongoing EA or PA.

You know, I totally agree with you, but as the "instigator," I've never felt comfortable saying that. Obviously it was indredibly damaging to our relationship, and I'm not trying to make light of it, but I agree that a one night stand is different. It happened in a different country (on a different continent) for a night and there was no sneaking around or deceiving for an extended period of time. I told my H the night I got back from the trip.

Ah well. Either way, it's over now and I've just got to live with the consequences of my actions. OR was more complicated than that - this wasn't the only factor that led to where we are now...

Hope you had a good night too.

[pearlharbr]

Hi Lemonsnap

Sounds like you're doing well. Glad you got some sleep! It helps a lot with getting a handle on all the emotions.

You are right not to tell him you are being friendly in hopes of retaining your M. In fact, you should not tell him anything about DBing or other things you're doing to save your M. This includes allowing him to see any books or this site. It will make him angry. Plus actions speak louder than words. You want to show H that you heard what he said and are acting accordingly.

I would encourage you to continue with IC even if your H is not interested in MC. I've never been to a C before and I'm finding it helpful to have a safe place to talk about things.

So tell me what you're doing to GAL (get a life). Do you have any fun activities planned for the weekend? I hear the weather's nice there right now.

Oh, and I wanted to tell you that we have a thread in the Walk-Away Spouse forum called DA Club (Detachers Anonymous) for support with detaching. Most people there are choosing the going dark/no contact route but we can also help you come up with ideas for detaching while still living together (my original sitch). We're a fun crowd these days so sometimes we're just over there hanging out.

[lemonsnap]

I am feeling a bit better. I went out with my friend last night for a walk and dinner and she wondered how I could be so calm. She wondered if I'm in shock.

Who knows - I may be! I told her that it was definitely a roller coaster, and that I know I won't feel this way all the time. But I also acknowledged that I can't feel so excruciatingly upset/sad/destroyed all the time either. It's just physically impossible. Too exhausting. So I'm just trying to take things as they come, one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

I've got the DB book at home (from the library) but I haven't specifically shown it to him. I'm the reader in the family, and he rarely if ever picks up a book that I have at home. Either way, I'll take note and keep it out of the public eye. I've been deleting the history on our home computer and have been doing most of my posting from my office computer.

I would like to continue going to a C even if H doesn't want to. Not sure if I could keep seeing the MC if H isn't interested, but she can probabaly recommend a good IC.

Friday: Tonight we're going to MC, and I have a video at home, so we can always watch that after MC. We went out for ice cream after the first session, which was nice. Maybe we'll do that again.

Saturday: It's a friend's birthday tomorrow, so I'm going to help her celebrate, with or without H coming along. She wants to go roller skating :), out to dinner and dancing, which all sound like a lot of fun - I'm in!

Sunday: My mom and I have tea planned with a friend and her mom. This is a bit hard since I'm just going to pretend that nothing is wrong (HAH!). I'm not to the point of discussing our impending separation with others yet. It just doesn't feel right.

It IS nice up here - cold, but sunny, which I'll take over the rain anytime. I'll probably go out for a nice walk in the sun too.

Thanks for the heads up about the DA club. I'm coming over to visit. Sounds helpful.

[lynn08]

lemon,
How are you liking the book so far? It took me reading it twice and really doing the homework to really get it. I did the same thing as you, cleared my history and hid the book! Now that he isn't living with me, I still hide it in case he stops by!

How have you been feeling lately? Good job with GAL. Keep it up!

[lemonsnap]

Jenn,
I need to read it again. I read through 95% of DB about a week and a half ago, and through the book, made my way here. I've read so many posts and have visited forums like a madwoman.

I need to get DR because it's more homework or task oriented.

I will either try to get it at the library this weekend or at a bookstore. Will have to find a hiding spot for it for a little while! Probably my closet. H never would look there.

Thanks for stopping by!

[lemonsnap]

I'm a bit anxious thinking about our MC appointment tonight, given that our Wednesday session was such a bust (when I found out that H has NO hope for our M and only wants to be friends. He does NOT want to work on our R as a married couple.)

Our MC suggested that we do some sessions to just try to clear the air between us and improve our communication while helping each other understand how we got to this stage.

I think it has the potential of helping us, whether we ever reconcile as husband and wife, or just maintain our friendship.

I guess I'm just nervous about it because I get emotional and it's stressful. I should consider it cathartic stress - getting things off my chest and hopefully gaining some understanding about me and H.

I already know what the worst case scenarios are:
H stops participating in MC sessions
H files for divorce
H moves back to his country

My goals for tonight are to:
1) Listen
2) Listen
3) Listen
4) Be supportive of H
5) Try to understand his point of view
6) Try to control my emotions by breathing deeply and drinking water when needed.
7) Say the things I need to say in a calm and respectful manner

Whew.

[pearlharbr]

I was definitely in shock at first. I was just numb. Not much crying at all which is odd for me, I'm a total crier at just about anything. My friends were all concerned about the lack of emotion but I guess that's just how I was processing.

And you're right, you just can't live in an emotional puddle all the time. Plus, my thoughts were that wallowing wasn't going to do me any good (total 180 for me, I'm a huge wallower!) so I might as well just get on with things.

You're GAL activities for Sat and Sun sound great. I would just caution you about spending too much time with H right now. Personally, I would concentrate more on doing things without H. I did go bowling once with xBF and other friends while we were still living together but it was a little strained. Hopefully someone else with more experience hanging out with their S (Tawnya?) can chime in here.

Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try? A class on something you've always wanted to learn about? Do things for lemonsnap!

[lynn08]

Good luck at your session tonight! Let us know how it goes!

My H went to one MC session with me right after the bomb and then said he was never going again. I was upset and that was right before I discovered the book and this site. So I let it drop. He isn't one for talking about his feelings and he feels like he is convinced he wants a D.

One piece of advice I can give you: Even if he stops going to MC, even if he files for D, and you really want to save your M--don't allow those things to stop you. My H filed for D TWO weeks after he dropped the bomb, and here we are still legally married 4-5 months later. He froze things for a while but sent them to me in January. My point is don't fear those things on your list because they are possibilities. It is all in how you handle it and keep implementing your DB techniques. I am telling you this because when i got the D papers it felt like the bomb all over again and I thought that it meant there was no chance. I fell apart, until some ppl here smacked some sense into me and told me to stop freaking out

Its good he goes to MC with you, but your main focus right now is yourself. Don't allow yourself to get lost in this process like I started doing.