You are very welcome. You know deep down that you MUST stand strong and let her know that you do not and will not share.
You convince her of that by doing things like saying NO when she asks YOU for money while living with her lover...
Strong confident men usually get and keep their women. Stand strong and be consistent in doing it. You don't have to be a jerk or be mean. Matter of fact,quite the opposite. Just be firm, decisive, confident, don't pursue her one iota and let her think that you are not only perfectly fine without her, but that you may be thinking it was for the best.
Don't forget that you also always have the "jealousy button" that can be used if you so choose.... I am a firm believer in it, but we can worry about that later....
It did feel good to stand up to her and I cannot beleive that she is mad. she is the one who left me and the kids for OM...let him pay for her expenses. We agreed in our separation document that I would give her as much $$$ from her check per pay period for stuff with the kids and now she wants more, I'm so glad I said "Sorry, can't help you, however, thanks for asking" She had it pretty good at home with me as i did so much around the house and took good care of her everytime she was sick or had surgery!
Last edited by ppenton; 02/20/0908:24 PM.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
We agreed in our separation document that I would give her as much $$$ from her check per pay
What happens when she stops the direct deposit of her check and puts it in another account? That will most likely be her next step. Then she will decide how much of her check goes to you for household expenses.
I'm aghast. If I understand your sitch correctly, then it never ceases to amaze me how far someone will take it...Jesus Christ!
I'm with everyone else here..."um NO, you can't have money for your new single life...but how about you PAY ME CHILD SUPPORT!!!"
OMG shaking my head.... to sum up,
yeah, um...what everyone else said...stunning. She has done some serious rationalizing and justifying to the point that her thinking is disturbed...
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I realize that she could stop her pay check, I was in the pursuing mode when we agreed she would still let me have her check as I told her I could not afford the house without it. W did not want me to move the kids out of their home so I trusted her (I know now it was foolish). W is not the person who I fell in love with 23 years ago and not even the same person I knew a few months ago. She is going through some serious issues and thinks OM will fix it all for her. She says she is happy with her decision to leave me and the kids but I don't think she loves herself or is as happy as she says cause she jumped right into OMs arms.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
as hard as this is to accept, and it MAY NOT apply, but she does sound out of it. Yes it's "her" money and in her way of thinking, I can see why she'd say that. But honestly, just as a mom, even if you were a total jerk I can't see how she'd be fine with this choice.
So my point is that she doesn't sound healthy. MLCing big time. You need to buckle in for the long ride on the roller coaster, but I do think it'll pass. It's too out of character and too sudden...and she's a mother that was attentive and loving only a short time ago. Screaming MLC...
Does that mean you should sit and wait by the curb? No, You have to GAL and model for your children how a strong man handles a blow to the heart with dignity and character. Do all that you can for you and yours...but yeah, it's going to take more time and energy than you believe you have in you. Decide if you want to try, and with the number of years you have invested already, and the children, yes, I think it is. But I'm not you. It's your life.
But again, it'll take a lot of time. Pray hard and look within to see if you can stick by her "in sickness and in health" and we'll support you no matter what you choose. It's a tough road. I found the DB coaches very helpful in this.
FWIW, I met a very old woman the other day, in my neighborhood. She was married for 63 years, "56 of which were good ones...cuz 4 years were during a war and 3 years" her h was "a jerk from jerk town" (MLC??) but she waited it out somehow...and they were married another two decades. So it happens. I have two relatives who divorced and remarried a few years later. Both said the 2nd time around was better. That happens too. Try to keep the big picture in mind. This is a blip in time in the grand scheme of things...but a real test. And a painful one. Take care of yourself my friend, seriously.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have a good support system with family and friends and the church beside this wonderful forum. I'm saving up money to call a DB coach as soon as I can. I have a good therapist who is working with me weekly and is proud of how I am handling everything right now. He told me 3 rules he had for me: 1) don't turn to alcohol; 2) don't turn to street drugs 3)don't fall in love. I told him not to worry about these as I'm not a big drinker, never tried drugs and am still madly in love with W. He then told me a way I can get over W is by falling in love with someone else as love is a powerful drug in and itself. I said wow and then he told me if I break any of his rules that he would work with me, which made me feel comforted. However, as I told my C, I more than anything want to save this M and I do pray everyday for my W as I know something is wrong even if she doesn't. I think she is having a MLC but her C doesn't believe in them, so she thinks that being with OM is her new happiness and path in life. I took my vows very seriously and have taken care of W after each of her surgeries and physical illnesses. This particular one is very tough and gut retching and I'll stand by her as long as I can. I have told the kids that their mother still loves them even though she may not be living at home currently. S15 is stll very angry and S13 just wants to spend time with her. I am keeping a log of the amount of time W spends with the kids. So far, not much time with S15, more with S13 but somedays not more than a car ride to/from school. I don't think its enough and I was a good father and husband and am working on myself to be a better person, so I can be an even better father and husband.
Last edited by ppenton; 02/21/0905:17 PM.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
You'll have to hold your tongue about her time with the kids. Last night my h complained that d19 does not write to him directly (she is studying abroad & internet access is spotty so she emails me and I forward messages to him). He feels "marginalized". In our sitch, he chose to live away from home for 2 years/her jr and sr years of high school so um, YES she does not feel so close to him.
I have defended her b/c she is still deeply wounded and frankly, I'm shocked that h does not get this. He wants her forgiveness, although come to think of it I doubt he has actually asked her for it. And trust me when I say I BITE MY TONGUE so much. Don't know what the moral thing to do is, except to encourage them to repair their R. But I know how you feel; it is H's responsibility to re-build this and I have said that; he is the parent/adult and by the way, he is the one who left no matter what his rationalizations are.
Seems he feels he pays for most of everything, therefore....whatever...AND your w (I predict) will say she has "sacrificed for them for years" and they should be more grateful and basically she'll have her own version of what my h said last night.
What can I tell you? It has been awhile for us in piecing and in some ways it is painfully slow going...I think we are making lots of progress one week and then a backslide.
But as for the kid's anger and wounds, that is by far the hardest part for me and it greatly affects how I feel about "us" and h. . And I suspect it will be for you too.
I don't know the answer except that we are supposed to encourage their R's with each other, NO jealousies or thoughts of "h/w doesn't deserve kids being close to them after what they did, etc." and so far, I have not done that. Of course, part of that is cuz they are NOT close so I have not faced it. But your sons are hurting and when she finally awakens, and she will, she'll have to cope with a lot of guilt. I did tell h last night that it seems his guilt converts into anger and that I don't accept that, it's his to deal with; not mine. ALso said he has a second chance with her (and a good chance with d11) to show them that he learned something from all this. This is partly why I tell others to forget about trying to induce guilt in a WAS b/c even if it seems to "work", it will backfire big time. Guilt just doesn't help our situations.
The WAS has to awaken and feel that although bad choices were made, they can recover something of value. None of the "too late now pal" will help us. Even if you move on and don't want to reconcile someday, you'll want the boys to have a rapprochement with her anyhow. But if it's too hard for the WAS, they may ask themselves, what's the point? I worry that h wonders sometimes if it'd be easier for him to just start over with a "new family" so he won't have to make amends to the kids. I don't know. I'm guessing in the dark here, as his whole paradigm was so foreign to me. At times last night I wanted to hang up, but didn't. And the talk did improve as I reminded him that I am NOT holding onto the past; but dealing only with the "now" and right now, he and d19 are having problems and in my opinion, she has the right to still feel hurt and may not feel close to him for a long time.
But I sure had to stay sooo calm and you will too. Watch your tone big time. They're so defensive that the smallest inflection looks like an attack to them. The WAS faces tremendous guilt when they return and for my h, that OFTEN turns into anger towards others. They'll blame others/us/kids etc b/c the guilt gets to be too much. So all I can say is that I try to help him like a friend would, saying stuff about insights and change and how we can improve and work on things going forward...and when I stay on message, it usually helps. But not always.
I would hate to be my h or your w. In this regard, you and I are in much better positions "life wise". Make sense? Take care,
(( j ))
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 02/23/0905:57 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
