Shine like the star you are!

[sage]

so...I alluded earlier this week to having come up with a 180 for my FF "thingy". I was really feeling upset about this topic...the history is that a few years ago h had a ff and I ranted and raved and cried over their r. which I thought was too close for comfort. then, ow started out as a friend and I was calm and rational but still concerned.

I was so bummed thinking about this because I got mired in thinking "well, I've tried all the approaches I can think about -- first time I was active and railing against the r. and the second time I was calm and collected. what's left to do????"

well...enough thought led me to realize that the common theme in BOTH sitchs was that each time I distanced from h out of anxiety and fear that he was going to leave me for this person...or that something untoward was going on....

so, it's kind of that cycle that Michele talks about...yah, in the latter case things did get ugly but I REALLY think it's possible that my early anxiety and untrusting of h which led to anxiety which led to my distancing could make these FF even more attractive.

I'm NOT saying I'm responsible for h's affair. I'm not...not now not ever. but I DO know that trust and insecurity have been issues for me. And I do know that I distance in times of anxiety and fear.

so...my 180 is to not distance, to perhaps draw closer at these times of high anxiety and fear. In essence, it's to say "I'm terrified and instead of retreating to a safe place I'm gonna bust through that". Actions associated with that would be to continue doing fun things with h -- going out, , remaining present in conversations, not sulking or withdrawing in mood, etc. Behaviors to NOT do include sarcasm, questioning, trying to control his actions, etc. Creating stories in my head, ASSumptions, too.

Now, a sort of key to this is that I'm not suggesting smiling my way through an affair...not at all ... what I'm suggesting is that I think one of the reasons why these ffs become so important is because I panic at the first sign of h developing an outside r. and I start withdrawing. see the difference?

Sage