180 when your mistake was abandoning

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yep, same with me. My W's EA/PA started just as I was finishing up my project and starting to get back into my life. And the more I tried to engage my W, the further she backed away. Then about a month later she asked for a separation. At first I couldn't believe it. There I was giving her so much love and attention, and yet she was running away! Of course that was before I found out about the affair...

Which is EXACTLY why I'm in favor of gathering good intel at the beginning to find out what you're dealing with.

DB tells us to "not pursue" when a spouse is wayward. And I agree. So here's our friend Still Waters, trying to do what any good husband would do after having to spend so much time on a work project, and he's trying to pursue his wife and re-engage her more. As it turns out, it's exactly the OPPOSITE of what he SHOULD have been doing, but how is he supposed to know this???

For the life of me, I can't figure out why some people have such a hard time grasping that knowledge, and wisdom, and discernment, are GOOD things, and they help you know what to do, and what to pray about more specifically.

And yes, I guess that's an I-told-you-so.

Puppy

[Helpers]

Hi Helpers,
How are you doing?

I've found that my H and I have had a hard time the last two weeks interacting "normally." Given the stress we're both under due to this situation, and the avoidance of R talks, it can make being in the same apartment awkward.

I found that getting out and doing independent activities really helps. So does having a project to work on - even if it's in the other room. If you do want to interact with your W, you're on the right track - things that don't require a lot of conversation can be helpful. We've been watching lots of movies together, doing sports, going out with friends (so we can be in a group together but interact with others), etc.

What are activities that you both used to really enjoy doing together?

What are activities that you or W have always wanted to try?

Maybe those are some things to focus on.

I've found in the last week that it really helps to have a "Plan" for what you'll be doing - especially in the evenings.

Thank you Lemonsnap,

This is really good advice. I will definitely take it. The plan tonight will be TV (she's normally tired from a full week and falls asleep early).

Saturday - Chores, out of the house during the day and a movie at night or ice skating.

Sunday - Gym in the morning, and relaxing on Sunday (I should probably fill in Sunday afternoon with something that doesn't leave us wandering the apartment).

Thank you for the tip, it will certainly help my weekend.

[lemonsnap]

You're welcome!
It sounds sort of cheesy sometimes, but it's sooo helpful to have things planned. Sometimes I don't have the energy to come up with an activity, so having it all set up beforehand helps me avoid the lulls and gives me something to look forward to!

I hope you have a good weekend.
One day at a time...

[Still Waters]

I guess that's an I-told-you-so.

Oh I know it. Puppy, you were the first one on here who asked me "How do you know she's not having an affair?" And of course I said "No way, not my wife! She's a goody goody who would never do that to me!" Yeah right.

It was like a seed was planted in my head. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. So I started to snoop, and low and behold what did I find? A full blown affair.

During the whole time when I didn't know about the affair, it felt like I was spinning my wheels. I had no idea what I was up against or what I should do, and everything I did seemed to backfire. We even went to counseling and it was a disaster. I wonder why? Maybe because my W was having an A at the time!

But the day I discovered and exposed the affair was the first day that I felt like I had some control back. And it COMPLETELY changed the dynamic between my W and I. It pulled my W out of denial and made her realize that what she had done was terrible. And it has made my W take a long hard look at her actions, and realize that she doesn't like who she has become. And while it's true that so far our M is no better than it was before I exposed (one week ago today), my state of mind is so much better. Because knowledge is power.

So my advice to all newbies is to do whatever you can do to find out if there's an EA/PA in progress. Because it changes your approach big time.

[SteveInTN]

I'll not hijack a thread, so here you go...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1721328&page=0#Post1721328

[lemonsnap]

Hi Helpers,
Just checking in to see how you're doing and how your weekend went...