Shine like the star you are!

[sage]

hey sage,

I get the sense that much of your struggle in your M right now hinges on trust and intimacy. My guess is that you carry in your mind's eye a vision of what your perfect M with your H could or should be...what is it? How realistic is it? Is it one that he might share? Or are there parts of the vision that aren't actually attainable (because of water under the bridge, a differnce in the way your H may approach certain things, etc., etc.)

Hud -- I've been avoiding posting all day because of you! well, just kidding...but what's up with you asking the hard questions??? (payback, I guess).

Yes, both trust and intimacy are points of struggle in my m. Have been for a while, actually, so it's probably not that surprising that they are the things still outstanding post-bombing. I do think we have more tools and incentive to address them...though the process is slow and sometimes seems mired by the stuff that got us bogged down in the first place.

The answer to whether or not I have a "picture" of m is of course "yes" -- I imagine that h does too. 'course it ebbs and flows in its "concreteness"...some stuff is flexible and some stuff is probably more etched in "stone". Likely that's the stuff that's tripping me up at times.

If you had asked me 2 years ago who was more "intimate" in our m, I would have said hands down me...I think others peering in might have said the same as well...but in truth, I think both h and I (and perhaps more me than him!) have kept our arms out straight to hold off the other...I guess I just did my withholding in more "socially acceptable" ways...but I think the pain was the same for h no matter.

As for trust...ah, trust. well..I've had "trust issues" since early in our m...3 years into the m h had a friendship with a FF that didn't meet my "picture" of how involved a FF should be in our m. Big, big problems that polarized our stances...me in the "this is totally unnacceptable" camp, him in the "you're not the boss of me" camp. Probably a softening of either one of those stances would have avoided a lot of heartache.

'course OW also started out as a FF....when I approached h initially about my discomfort regarding their friendship I did it with all of the grace and self-deprecation I missed the first time around. h responded with all the respect he missed the first time around. I started C to address my "trust issues". The missing link was that they were already involved at the time of that first discussion.

Can you see why I'm confused?

Back to the picture...I try not to hold onto things that I assign to the "if he loved me he'd never do this" category....but maybe I'm not always successful...all in the process of forgiveness I think!

In general, I've learned a lot over the last year about letting things be...letting h be ...not seeking control...dropping EXPECATIONS and ASSumptions. Like I said...still flawed but working on it.

I guess the sensitivity to opposite sex friendships is something I'm still stuck on. Need to figure that one out, though. Something just struck me...it may just be something that we NEVER agree on. And perhaps that's just gonna have to be AOK. I won't compromise on fidelity though.

I do need to say that my m. now contains more wonderful elements than I ever thought that it could! My h is SO much more committed...so much more present...so much more open. More than he ever was. I've said it before and I'll say it again...I'm grateful for his resilency and hard work.

Anyway...I've got more thinking to do...