DA Club III

[pearlharbr]

I wanted to respond to hopefulinEG from the last thread

While most people here are going dark, we will try to help you go dim with your W in the same house also.

This was my sitch for about a month before I kicked xBF out. The key is to be friendly without being a friend. If you completely ignore W then you come across as being cold and rude.

Here are the suggestions I received:

The db coach suggested treating my h like a good neighbour. Just chit-chat - weather, how was your day, talk about movies, something on TV, etc. No hovering, no neediness, no R-talk.

Perhaps start going to afternoon matinees so that you can talk about the movie you just saw.

Walk around in that nightie, pour yourself a glass of wine and flip on the TV. Rent funny movies and laugh ... loudly. Talk on the phone to a friend somewhere that he can hear you, and laugh. Set it up beforehand with your friends so that there's no serious talk, ask them to help get you laughing. If you usually sit talking on the phone whilst sitting in a chair, try lying on the floor with your feet up on the couch.. laughing, looking relaxed, like you're having a good time.

Be in the bathtub when he gets home, good music playing, a candle lit in the bathroom, door ajar. Say hello from the tub and come out wrapped in a small towel, holding a glass of wine, just to say a quick hello before you walk slowly to your bedroom or wherever it is you get dressed. Then get dressed to go out and go out... wherever. Very little chit-chat required in that scenario.

I suggest going out.. it may feel less artificial. But don't be too open about where you are going or with whom. Try to leave just as he is coming home so he can see you leaving all dressed up nicely with some perfume on and makeup ... if his schedule is unpredictable then you'll need some flexibility from friends, or just go out to a bar and have a drink by yourself. I used to do that alot when I was single and new to the city. He doesn't have to know you're doing it alone... "oh, I'm just going down to the pub for a vodka and soda"... or whatever.

Ask friends to leave you upbeat telephone messages about plans you have together and don't erase them. Give him an opportunity to hear them.

Ask a friend to just "drop by" when your BF is home... I did that just before Christmas and it was very effective. My friend told me that the look on my h's face was very telling... my friend and I were laughing and joking when he arrived, good music playing, the smell of good food throughout the house. I poured everybody a glass of wine and I'd asked my friend to make a point of including my h in the conversation. I just "happened" to have some good nibblies in the cupboard (things my h likes), etc. She was very cooperative and it really turned into a good interaction. My h had to leave but even I could tell that he didn't want to. This allows them to see another side of us, more dynamic and social.

Get a new hobby that you can do at home... knitting, practice yoga or read a completely different kind of book than you would normally. Get a different newspaper or news journal... you're expanding your horizons, you have more to talk about or perhaps someone you met that day suggested you read this or that.

I'm sorry to sound so artificial and "staged"... I'm actually a very straight-up and straight-forward woman. But I think your sitch calls for a bit of acting.. acting as if you're happy, not worried and anxious about what the future may hold.

Now I know that these are geared toward a woman, but you get the idea.

I will be honest and tell you it was incredibly difficult for me to maintain a casual atmosphere in the house. I did not engage in a lot of chit chat because the typical dynamic of our R was that I initiated all of the conversation so I was trying to do a 180 from that.

I also had a hard time keeping busy without watching tv/movies because that was a complaint xBF had (that's all we did in the evenings). So I tried to stay busy in my craft room or working on house projects when he was home. It was tiring.

I did talk on the phone a lot to friends where a lot of laughing was involved.

I didn't make it to the bathtub scenario but it was next on my list to try. I wouldn't recommend it for a guy, but the rest of it is good. Get dressed up, put on some cologne, and happily bid your W goodnight as you leave.

Hope this helps.