I'm fairly new to DB and this forum. I just found this thread find the discussion interesting.
I need some advise. My W still lives in the same house with me. What type of things can I do todetach in this situtaion? I can't go Dark but more like Dim.
Thanks for any help you can offer.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
I wanted to respond to hopefulinEG from the last thread
While most people here are going dark, we will try to help you go dim with your W in the same house also.
This was my sitch for about a month before I kicked xBF out. The key is to be friendly without being a friend. If you completely ignore W then you come across as being cold and rude.
Here are the suggestions I received:
Originally Posted By: whateverittakes
The db coach suggested treating my h like a good neighbour. Just chit-chat - weather, how was your day, talk about movies, something on TV, etc. No hovering, no neediness, no R-talk.
Perhaps start going to afternoon matinees so that you can talk about the movie you just saw.
Walk around in that nightie, pour yourself a glass of wine and flip on the TV. Rent funny movies and laugh ... loudly. Talk on the phone to a friend somewhere that he can hear you, and laugh. Set it up beforehand with your friends so that there's no serious talk, ask them to help get you laughing. If you usually sit talking on the phone whilst sitting in a chair, try lying on the floor with your feet up on the couch.. laughing, looking relaxed, like you're having a good time.
Be in the bathtub when he gets home, good music playing, a candle lit in the bathroom, door ajar. Say hello from the tub and come out wrapped in a small towel, holding a glass of wine, just to say a quick hello before you walk slowly to your bedroom or wherever it is you get dressed. Then get dressed to go out and go out... wherever. Very little chit-chat required in that scenario.
I suggest going out.. it may feel less artificial. But don't be too open about where you are going or with whom. Try to leave just as he is coming home so he can see you leaving all dressed up nicely with some perfume on and makeup ... if his schedule is unpredictable then you'll need some flexibility from friends, or just go out to a bar and have a drink by yourself. I used to do that alot when I was single and new to the city. He doesn't have to know you're doing it alone... "oh, I'm just going down to the pub for a vodka and soda"... or whatever.
Ask friends to leave you upbeat telephone messages about plans you have together and don't erase them. Give him an opportunity to hear them.
Ask a friend to just "drop by" when your BF is home... I did that just before Christmas and it was very effective. My friend told me that the look on my h's face was very telling... my friend and I were laughing and joking when he arrived, good music playing, the smell of good food throughout the house. I poured everybody a glass of wine and I'd asked my friend to make a point of including my h in the conversation. I just "happened" to have some good nibblies in the cupboard (things my h likes), etc. She was very cooperative and it really turned into a good interaction. My h had to leave but even I could tell that he didn't want to. This allows them to see another side of us, more dynamic and social.
Get a new hobby that you can do at home... knitting, practice yoga or read a completely different kind of book than you would normally. Get a different newspaper or news journal... you're expanding your horizons, you have more to talk about or perhaps someone you met that day suggested you read this or that.
I'm sorry to sound so artificial and "staged"... I'm actually a very straight-up and straight-forward woman. But I think your sitch calls for a bit of acting.. acting as if you're happy, not worried and anxious about what the future may hold.
Now I know that these are geared toward a woman, but you get the idea.
I will be honest and tell you it was incredibly difficult for me to maintain a casual atmosphere in the house. I did not engage in a lot of chit chat because the typical dynamic of our R was that I initiated all of the conversation so I was trying to do a 180 from that.
I also had a hard time keeping busy without watching tv/movies because that was a complaint xBF had (that's all we did in the evenings). So I tried to stay busy in my craft room or working on house projects when he was home. It was tiring.
I did talk on the phone a lot to friends where a lot of laughing was involved.
I didn't make it to the bathtub scenario but it was next on my list to try. I wouldn't recommend it for a guy, but the rest of it is good. Get dressed up, put on some cologne, and happily bid your W goodnight as you leave.
Hope this helps.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Hi hopeful, It's been really helpful to me to create a plan for my day. I plan in advance what I'll be doing (especially in the evenings after I get home from work) so that I'm occupied and focused. Drifting around the house with nothing to do (and too much to think about) is no fun!
What are some activities that you can plan? What are things you and your D's can do together that will be fun? What activities have been working for you? (ie, help you to relax, detach, distract you from your troubles, etc.)
lemonsnap
Me - 29 H - 29 M - 6 months T - 8 years ILYBNILWY - 1/24/09 Recovery begins 3/1/09
Ok..so I agree with Pearl about what to do with your person in the house, I spent the last 4 months doing that and I pretty much was like her, I normally initiated the convos, so I just didn't, and went out more and stuff like that..
okayyyyyy..so I will have to check to make sure I don't get kicked out (LOL) but so I texted hub just now to tell him about getting my cable hooked up and he CALLED ME twice (I didn't answer the first time)..what the heck??? So he was all "what did you get for your cable service" and said "You got the hook up right there dear"..WTH?? why are you calling me dear (but it wasn't like a sweet dear and I don't like that word anyway LOL)?? AND I was just talking to him normal but not like "woo excited to hear from you" and he was like "what's wrong? why do you sound like you are irritated about something"? OK..I'm having a Pearl "what the ???" moment right there?! Sheesh..and I was like "no..I'm at work.." then switched and asked when son was coming back home, told him I was fine with either tomorrow or Sun..and to have son lemme know..
Ugh..I'll be glad when this switching stuff is done cause no contact actually is totally fine with me :P
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
My H is trying everything he can to get to me. In the beginning I felt obligated to answer calls, listen when he wanted a few minutes or go out when asked. But it all ended the same way - arguing about the same old stuff. I gradually stopped agreeing to see him, I occasionally answer a call, usually let it go to message, but now he isn't leaving messages and my curiosity is in tact. I am not saying I don't want to hear from him - I just want to enjoy our R and not argue. Been dim/dark five weeks.
