First, let me say this is my first post. I've been reading the forums here that are relative to my situation and find there is a lot of good common sense advice to be had. I've read Michelle's Divorce Remedy and have found it very helpful. Here's my story: I've been married for 19 years to my high school sweetheart. We dated on and off - mostly on for about 10 yrs. until we got married. I'm 46, she's 45 and we have 2 daughters, ages 13 and 17. I think the source of our troubles goes back to her childhood. The way she tells it, she was the middle child with an older and younger brother. She didn't get much attention when she was young, so she says , she spent most of the time in her bedroom alone. She began to put on weight. By the time she was 13/14, the way she got attention was letting the neighborhood boys touch her and she would do the same for them. She didn't lose her virginity to any of them. She was made fun of by the same kids, but it went on until she met me and she finally was able to say no the those boys. She didn't tell about this until about 3 yrs. after we began dating. She wasn't too frisky as we didn't have sex until after I found about about this. She's also the only girl I seriously dated. One time ( 1984?)I broke up with her when she wouldn't have sex with me during a trip we took together. But we got back together. She was always insecure about her looks. She was never thin, but not chubby either About 5'3" and 150.I guess we felt safe and secure with each other. My parents fought a lot as my father owned 2 bars and was out a lot working until closing most nights. My mother had 4 kids to take care of 16 yrs. apart in age. This is probably why I avoided confrontation when I grew up. After getting married, we settled down, bought a house, had 2 kids and I thought everything was OK. I've never abused her mentally nor physically. I always help around the house. I've had a very steady and secure job for the last 21 years. She has a great job, I thought, although she even said to me the other day she doesn't get the recognition she deserves but she can deal with it because of her salary I take our girls to their doctor appointments. I bought her flowers when I didn't have to because of a special occasion.You get the idea. My wife dropped the bomb on me last August. She had been upset so I asked her what the problem was and she said she wanted to separate. This was the first hint she ever gave me that our marriage was in trouble. She said it wasn't me, it was her. She is still seeing a psychotherapist. She wanted me to go to a counselor, but I didn't because I wasn't the one with the problem. That was my first mistake. Eventually, I did go to a therapist, but even he said after 4 appointments, there's not much he can do as my wife went to see him once, but won't go again if the reason is saving our marriage. I made the mistake of overcompensating with learning how to make coffee - I don't drink it- and all the other clingy stuff you do when you don't know what to do. I have moved to my finished basement which is all fixed up and she remodeled our bedroom. I've been avoiding her as much as possible, just talking about finances and the kids. I've been taking care of myself, going out, staying positive, dressing better, changed my hairstyle ect... I told my wife the other day that I went to see a divorce mediator. She was taken aback because this separation was her idea. I figured I had to give her a kick in the pants. My younger daughter is quiet about this situation, but my older daughter ( who's also now seeing a psychologist ) blames my wife and says she would stay with me. I've told her no one is to blame and that stuff happens. It's only been 3 weeks since I moved downstairs so I don't expect miracles overnight, but, I'm trying to stay cautiously optimistic about keeping us together. I let her go out when she wants. She never did that before. She goes out with women friends ( all divorced , though she claims they don't influence her.)I don't ask her who, what where. I doubt she's having an affair as she's still insecure of her body and said she doesn't want anybody touching it. She wants to be a stronger person instead of a pleaser, a " yes " girl. She wants to be more spiritual. I think she's trapped herself because if she stays with me, she's saying " yes " to me. Sorry to have gone on so long, but 30 years is a lot of time to cover. Thanks for reading.
letterman, I'll keep this short but I'll post again later on.
You do too much for her, your 180 would be to stop doing things for her if it's always been your way to take care of her and doing things around the house. She needs to see what it's like when you won't be there helping all the time.
I know about the "divorced wives club" - that's what I called my wife's friends (same idea, all divorced) and trust me, they are influencing her and you can't do to much about it. They are telling her that life is better single, you don't need your husband, time to loosen up, hit the bars, get attention from other men, experiment, the whole deal. You will even notice that your wife is probably improving her appearance: I wouldn't doubt it if she starts going to the gym regularly, starts eating better, starts buying new clothes, shoes, new hairstyle, all being done to improve her appearance and pump up her self-esteem as per her "friends" advice.
Yes, I read DR among other books. I read "Should I stay or go"? about controlled separation. It tells you how to structure an in-house or out of house separation. "Taking Space" dealt with the same and also told of what leads to separation.
If this is recent and hasn't been that long a separation, ie. few days/weeks vs. few months. Stop it and turn it around. She can live downstairs and you will take the master bedroom - that's another total 180 for you, showing that you value yourself enough not to submit and accept her treatment & her reality.
You're not being mean, you are just standing up for yourself and telling her that you respect yourself.
The easy & hard way to do this is to move back into your bedroom and do not ask for permission, you don't need permission to do this. This is your home, it's your bedroom.
Don't rationalize it by saying you like living in the basement - I'm sure you preferred sleeping in your bedroom (who wouldn't).
If she doesn't like it, too bad for her.
Take back your room, your space and tell her that since this is what she wants, a separation, she can have it but it won't be at the expense of your self-esteem and self-respect.
You are a parent, showing your kids that you respect yourself and love yourself is the only way they are going to learn to do the same in their lives - if you buckle and become a doormat, they will learn to do the same and that would be a horrible fate for them.
Stop being a doormat, don't let her walk all over you, don't let her dictate how you live your life if she doesn't want to be part of it anymore. I don't care how angry she gets, just stand your ground and tell her that's the way it's going to be.
Respect yourself - don't wait months to learn that this works, just do it. The longer you wait, the more courage it will take on your part to do any of these things.
She has lost attraction for you and it's possible she has felt this way for quite some time. Buckling and doing everything she says, and doing everything for her won't make her more attracted to you. Don't be an a$$hole about any of this, just do it calmly and in a way that you will respect yourself for owning the strength you have inside you.
It is very hard, it may very well be the most difficult thing you've ever done in your life but starting now instead of several months from now will save you alot of frustration.
She did lose about 70 lbs. I never complained about her weight. I told her it would be good to lose it for her health because I wanted her around for a long time. I bought her a guitar for a wedding present 20 years ago and she finally started taking lessons about a year ago. She says her divorced friends were the victims of abusive spouses. That is not the case with us. I have noticed changes in her and I told her I was happy that she lost weight and took up the guitar, But I never took it as a precursor to separation.
One way to rationalize what I do is that her job requires her to be on call 24/7 and there have been many nights and days when she hasn't been home. She's a midwife. So I do have to pick up the slack when she's not around.
FYI - I moved back home and into my master bedroom after being separated for several months without my wife's permission - she was furious, angry would be an understatement. When I finally got it through my head that being Mr.Nice Guy wasn't going to get me anywhere with my wife, I had to pull a 180 and stop caring whether or not she thought I was nice - what my wife did to me wasn't nice and she didn't care and me continuing to be nice while she was mean wasn't helping me change anything.
When I stopped being Mr.Nice Guy and started loving & respecting myself, stopped doing things for her and stopped rationalizing her behavior I felt much better about myself.
When you love yourself enough to stop other people from disrespecting you, it's a very attractive quality - it shows strength.
Your response may be that she remodeled the bedroom - my response and yours should be who cares - you can remodel it the way you like it.
Yes this is a bit of a shotgun blast method but the way you are acting now and how she is treating you isn't really proving that your current methods are working.
Never sacrifice your self-esteem, self-respect, self-value and love for yourself. You will teach your kids to do the same because they will see that you stand up for yourself. If your kids grew up and got married and found themselves in the same situation, you would love them enough to tell them to stand up for themselves - time for you to love yourself enough to stand up for yourself.
Of course I hate the situation I'm in, but we still get along if we're not talking about us. We don't fight, we talk. We've opened up much more to each other since this separation happened, although it hasn't done much good. Because she's been in therapy for 6 months, she thinks she has everything figured out. She has looked deep within to find her true feelings. I was sleeping in our bedroom with her until about a month ago, and I couldn't sleep because of the anxiety.
One way to rationalize what I do is that her job requires her to be on call 24/7 and there have been many nights and days when she hasn't been home. She's a midwife. So I do have to pick up the slack when she's not around.
You don't have to pick up the slack - that's another 180
Her job is her concern and dealing with that and things at home have to be her concern now as well since she wants to separate and leave you. She will have to come up with a method of doing this eventually - you are enabling her by helping her. Pull back and stop helping her, become busier yourself.
You are rationalizing things with her, you have to do this because of this, and you have to do that because of that. When in actuality, you don't.
She is used to having you in her life and taking care of things for her - if she really wants to leave, she won't have that option anymore, I hope you can see that.
Plus I could tell she lost weight that's why I mentioned it. She's getting ready for the single life and trying to make herself more attractive to other people. The only thing I can say about the "divorced wives club" is that they start out pretty strong & united but after a while, the tight knit group dynamic doesn't last. Don't know why but they eventually get lives, busy again, some of them may start new relationships, some may go back to their spouses. Plus the emotional support they give themselves at first fades fast, it's replaced with having fun, partying, actively seeking external validation (attention) from other men and generally being stupid.
Seriously - your 180 is to start doing less and to start taking care of yourself and your needs more than hers.
It's hard but you have to do it, especially if you've always been the spouse that was there for the other person and took care of most household chores and tasks.
