Murky, I do hope you'll post and share your experience. Reading other's experiences has helped me so much. It lets us know we are all in the same boat. Unbelievable how many people are going through the same thing. I hope things improve for you.
Pearl, how did convo with ex go?
I still have not talked to my H other than to tell him we needed to separate. I think he's forming a strategy since now we're going to be separated, things are going to change a lot for him.
I agree with you, it is better to go through the first then getting singed bit by bit. My mother's analogy was to compare it to a swift amputation vs. losing a limb slowly to gangrene.
Either way, it sucks. I cannot believe how much of my trust this man has shattered.
I agree with the shattered trust. Not only do I not trust him, I don't trust myself anymore. That's going to be a slow healing process for sure.
Details on me kicking xBF out are here. Basically I just realized nothing was changing and it was too much for me to handle. So I packed him a bag, took his house key, and after we had a long R talk, escorted him out the door. It was difficult but necessary for me. I feel much more at ease now and no contact has helped that along.
We still need to discuss financial settlements so there are several convos in our future. But for now I'm happy to be alone with my thoughts.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'm so sorry to hear things aren't going too well. I wish there was something to say to take away some of your hurt and sadness. Sending you all the good thoughts I can muster up.
Thanks everyone. Although painful, this doesn't hurt any more than being with him knowing darn well he didn't want me. THAT was the worst. I am beyond sad though knowing that my son is going to suffer from this. I would love to spare him the pain of not seeing his parents get back together as he has been so hopeful. Does anyone have any idea on how to lessen the pain on their kids? I think I've decided I'm not going to say anything to him immediately, he will just "see" that mommy and daddy aren't spending time together anymore and when he asks questions, I will answer them honestly as I always do. He does know that mommy and daddy were "trying" but that we didn't know if we would be able to get back together. But of course, he was hoping like the devil.
About H, I am seeing more of who he has become and that is not someone I care to be with anyway. (Gee if I had a dime for every time someone on these boards said THOSE words.)
Anyone else out there who is choosing not to work on their marriage anymore? Would love to exchange thoughts.
Hi everyone, I thought I'd post a quick update on my sitch with H and me. We haven't talked much the past 3 weeks, since I told him I thought we needed to separate, just stuff about our son. This a.m. we had a bit of a conversation. We both agreed that being apart did not help us and spending time together hasn't helped us. But we STILL don't know where to go from here? Separate, and then divorce? Force ourselves to be together for a length of time and see what happens after a while? Try counseling? He doesn't think counseling is worth it if the feelings aren't there. He admits that he loves me, but feels like I'm his best friend and sort of his sister, that he doesn't have passion and romantic feelings towards me. I asked earlier in my thread what could be done to bring those feelings back and it is such an impossible question to answer. I also asked him today if there was anything I could do to make him not be so uncomfortable around me (He is uncomfortable with anything that is husband/wife-related, as friends, we are great). He said no, there isn't anything I can do or not do. So if he doesn't feel romantic/passionate the way a H should towards his W, then why isn't he leaving for good? He says sometimes he feels there's hope for us and other times he feels there isn't. I feel the same way, as you all know what that is like. And it is the glimmer of hope that is keeping us both hanging on I guess. But is this just part of the dying process? I cannot and will not be with him if he doesn't feel the right way towards me. We talked about putting a time limit on things before, and we both agreed that that added unnecessary pressure, but maybe that is what we should do? Set a limit of say 6 months, and re-evaluate feelings at that point? Separate for real and agree we both are going to go out dating? Maybe we both need to see what else is out there? Neither of us have really dated other people as adults. Maybe we are completely wrong for eachother and don't even know it?
H also admits to just being plain unhappy and says he doesn't know what will make him happy.
I would love to hear thoughts of those who have relatively decent relationships with their spouse but who have lost the passion/romance and what in the world should you do if neither party is ready to quite give up? I know it is such a hard thing to do, ending it. Even when the marriage clearly should end, it is quite difficult and painful. When you still have a decent relationship, how in the world can you get yourselves to the place where you really need to just say "enough?"
I read a quote today that I thought would be appropriate to share with you directly:
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. -Dale Carnegie
I'm not in the same sitch, but wanted to tell you that separation has been the best thing for me. I am so much happier now. I have had anxiety-free time to reflect on our R and realized how much better I deserve.
xBF said he wasn't miserable, just thought he wasn't as happy as he could be. But he wasn't willing to put any effort into improving our R, he thought the best way was to just walk away and start over fresh.
So I gave him what he wanted. He wanted to hang around for an indefinite period of time and eventually leave on his own terms, but that was not going to work for me. And ultimately he got his freedom which is what he said he wanted. Now he's having second thoughts. Apparently the separation has shown him that there were good things about us. Funny thing though, it's shown me that those good things aren't enough for me anymore.
I think you should consider a real physical separation. It will give you time and space to figure out what you want for your life moving forward.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Hi Pearl, yes, we are physically separated and have been since May of last year. He did spend a lot of time with us over the holidays and such, but still had his own place. I am slowly getting used to not being with him at all now and slowly I am stopping longing for his presence. I am starting to feel real detachment, and you know something? This doesn't feel much better unfortunately. It is surreal that someone I used to be so close to am so far apart from now. It doesn't seem possible.
It was 3 and a half weeks ago today that I told H that we needed to separate and that I couldn't be with him anymore, knowing his did not feel the right way, that he loves me only as a friend. And other than kid stuff and financial stuff, we've kept our conversations to the absolute minimum. In my heart, I know it is the right thing for us, but today a family member confirmed that he recently told her that "we aren't 'trying' anymore" and that really really hurts, and I don't understand why? It is the painful truth. Why, why, why is accepting the reality of the situation so hard? It is extremely hard, but no harder than being with him when he doesn't want me. Ugh. I'm having a bad day today.
Wish there was a board on here that was specifically for people who have dropped the rope, or aren't trying anymore.
Question for others: How many of you believe your semi-WAS was too weak to be a complete WAS and instead, wanted the LBS to actually make the break?
Three close friends (none of whom know each other) seem to think that was the case with my H. They believe because he got a lot of pressure from family and friends to try to work it out with me, so he semi came back under the pretense of "working on things." But there was no connection between us whatsoever, and every day that went by saw us a little further apart (and of course OW is in there somewhere). It got to the point at the end there, if I tried to give him a hug, he would stiffen up. He was THAT uncomfortable around me. But perhaps he didn't want to be the "bad guy" and end things. He often made references about always being made out to be the "bad guy."
Ultimately, I was the one who ended it, but it certainly wasn't what I wanted. He gave me no choice. I wonder if that is what he was waiting for. He certainly seems a lot happier now. That hurts too.
Sorry to see things took a turn for the worse for you.
As to your question, semi-WAS is exactly what I'm up against. The original plan last spring was to push all of my buttons at once, I would predictably explode and leave, file for a divorce, do all the work, etc., no fuss, no muss.
When this all started with us, she surely felt a lot of pressure to work on things, especially from me. So we decided to continue to live together for 9 more months and see what would happen. We've reached a friend stage, but no more. When our lease is up at the end of May, I expect her to move out, sighting the need for space to work things out in her head. Once gone, I think she'll say it's over and she won't be back, but I'm betting she still won't file for a divorce.
Unfortunately, I see my choices as staying married to a woman that has left me and is on her own doing whatever it is she does, or file for a divorce myself. I don't get the sense she has any interest in remarrying or any remorse about living in the first situation. And I think if I file for a divorce to move on with my life, she can easily rationalize that it was me who left her, since I was the one who filed.
I've been using a DB coach, have seen some positive things in the last few months, and I haven't given up on miracles yet, but I still get the sense that it'll be over soon.
I'm feeling pretty detached from her and I think if she does leave, I'm already past the lions share of the pain, but I'm sure there will be a fresh wave to deal with.
Nowadays, I'm just concentrating on me, my children and all the great things in my life, and I'll cross the next bridge, whichever way she chooses in a few months.
