I don't know where a lot of this "hard ass" advice is coming from in terms of "intel" and other stuff. Snooping and demands are not how to BUST A DIVORCE! Sure, the majority of those here have dealt with affairs. It is tough... But the militant approach is not how you save a marriage. You might put a stopper on the current affair but you'll be back here wondering WTF if you don't adopt the principles of DB.
Hi Steve,
I can only assume that you're referring to the advice that I and Phoenix have been giving to Helpers. I can't speak for Phoenix, but I did want to address this.
Everything I've quoted from you above is your opinion, as you do close out your post by saying. I happen to disagree, and my approach did bust up my wife's affair and save my marriage, as it has for tens of thousands of other people. I won't mention the names of the books or the website, as that sort of thing is frowned upon here, but these are HARDLY extreme positions. While they may be in the minority, it's probably a 40/60 minority.
I look for people who are struggling their approach. There are dozens and dozens of folks on both the Infidelity and Newcomers forums who are content with their passive approach, who seem to be holding up well despite it not going well, and those folks never hear a peep out of me. I try to offer advice that's different from what everyone else is offering -- a different perspective.
Helpers is, of course, free to follow it, or not, as he sees best for his own sitch.
For the record, I don't believe in "making demands." I believe in establish boundaries, and in learning how to enforce them -- two skills that will help most anyone, in almost any facet of their life.
