Thanks so much, Puppy and Kat. That means a lot coming from both of you. Puppy, my husband would thank you over and over if he only knew what you have been able to do for him and myself- give me insight to how he is feeling and what was needed for me to end the affair. Both you and Kat post things to OTHERS, even, that come across in my head and help me. These forums are really great for helping.
Oh, Stillwaters, I soooooo definitely know how your wife is feeling. Don't underestimate the pain she is going through. I realize that's hard to do since she trampled on everything your marriage stood for and all over you, the man she was supposed to love more than anything.
I understand her need to heal and figure out who she is. She does need that. She doesn't need to do this separate from you, but she may feel she does because the pain she is feeling is hard to show in front of you. The shame and realization of what she has done and now everyone knows. My family does not know....I really can't imagine that....Even without everyone knowing, for the first few months, whenever I had the chance I wanted to lay down in bed. I felt sick constantly...headaches, stomachaches...tired....I was depressed. I needed to work through this. My H let me do this...even with his anger, he let me do this.
Her lack of conviction about her marriage is because she feels it is hopeless. After all she has done.....I remember thinking, "Ok, I can maybe do this....but, oh my God, how am I ever going to be able to be intimate with him again??!!! I can't even imagine!!! We can't work. It will never work." I saw no hope. YOu can help her see hope by reminding her over and over, as long as she has no contact with OM, you will be there for her and work on the marriage with her. Give her books to read. Help her understand what she is going through. If she is religious, she could see a pastor. If she chooses to date others, then she has stepped past her shame and guilt and now is using it as an excuse to continue to make bad choices. I don't judge her for doing that, because her emotions are a mess.....help her...help her see that she has hope. COnsider REtrouvaille. Get her back in the home with you, with no contact. Give her space if she needs it, but don't let her say she needs to date others and leave the home. That will not help her. The people she surrounds herself with will be very influential right now, and without you at home with her, it can be detrimental.
My H had a feeling I was cheating on him, but didn't confront me. I saw him making changes, he saw a counselor on his own, and that made me decide that if I left him it would be because of me, not him. So, I told him of the affairs. That same night I told him to come home. I knew that I needed him here for me to stay on the right path. YOur wife needs you as well. DOn't give up on her.
