Probably should be in Piecing, but Going to Stay

[NoCodeBlues]

Happy Valentines Day, Didi.

[whatdidido]

I JUST saw this. Thank you NoCode. That was nice of you to think of me. I hope your Valentine's Day was a good one as well.

We ended up going to a birthday party for family on that day. Funny how not doing something on Valentine's Day was such a big deal before, now that I see the big picture, things are so different.

I like your signature. Real love is a decision. Marriage is a commitment. So true.

[sonshyn]

WDID,

I was just reading your most recent thread and wanted you to know how much light you have shed on my H. My H had the A, and I have been struggling with recent events which brought him back home and us back together. What I am reading gives me hope that his words are genuine and I thank you for that.

It takes much courage to share what you have, and you may not realize how much you have helped others. I think we need to hear that from time to time. So thank you for sharing your hopes, struggles, and love. I realize everyday how lucky I am to have my H, how close I was to losing my H, and how I had a part to play in his A. I know I didn't make that choice, but I also didn't help him stay home.

Thank you and good luck with your M. It sounds like things are really going well.

God Bless!
K

[whatdidido]

Sonshyn,

Thanks for that. Coming back together after my affair has been even more difficult than I even realized, and I knew it would be tough. When you really look at yourself in the mirror, and take ownership over your wrongdoings, when you see clearly what you have done and what it all means, when you realize how many people you have affected, when you see the hurt/pain you have caused and will continue to cause pain to, when you are reminded of it day after day, and when you know there is nothing you can do to change what you have done, it is very painful....especially if your identity was, in part, a person that is the "goody goody" with moral standards...takes you to a place of "Who am I?"

Everyone says time is key. They are so right. Time, prayer, and mindset. I feel we are so lucky to get to the spot we are at now. There is NOTHING we can't get through. I truly believe that. I don't disect everything my H does and says, and he doesn't with me either. If things bother us, we talk about them, don't brush them under the rug anymore, and solve them. Sounds simple, doesn't it? When we don't solve them, we keep working at solving them. Don't picture a couple that wakes up with the perfect smile on their faces, doing wonderful things for each other all the time, saying wonderful things to each other all the time, never having problems...that is not us. We are normal people, with normal problems, that have chosen to not bail out. Ever. We don't just FEEL things, we share our feelings and work together.

Tonight, we are going out together to a new restaurant, and then maybe going to a movie. I love dates with my H. He already has emailed me about what I'm wearing (he actually told me what he wanted to see me wearing..that's a change), how excited he is, and specifics about our plans. Should be a good night.

[Still Waters]

When you really look at yourself in the mirror, and take ownership over your wrongdoings, when you see clearly what you have done and what it all means, when you realize how many people you have affected, when you see the hurt/pain you have caused and will continue to cause pain to, when you are reminded of it day after day, and when you know there is nothing you can do to change what you have done, it is very painful....especially if your identity was, in part, a person that is the "goody goody" with moral standards...takes you to a place of "Who am I?"

This really struck me. My W, who had an affair, is in this state right now. After 4 months of having an affair (and lying about it to everyone she knew) she is finally facing up to what she has done (after exposure), and she is truly devastated. Before this she was a goody goody, and has said that she threw away everything she stood for, for something that was meaningless. She has even said to me "I need time to heal and figure out who I am."

But of course she's doing all this apart from me (we're separated). She still doesn't want to work on the M because she says she feels too weak, too powerless, and too filled with self-hatred, guilt, and shame to do so.

Did you ever feel like that? Like you just wanted to run further away from your H to heal and rebuild yourself? I understand that my W may not be able to even look me in the eyes right now. She could barely do so before I exposed so I imagine it's even worse for her now that she knows that I know. I just hope that with time she will find the courage to confront these demons, and to allow me to confront them with her.

Don't mean to hijack your thread, but your post really struck a cord with me and my sitch.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It takes much courage to share what you have, and you may not realize how much you have helped others.

Ditto, WDID. And "amen." I know you have helped me TREMENDOUSLY, and I don't think I've ever really told you that.

Puppy

[kat727]

Hey, you have done so much work to get to the "exciting" place that you and your H find yourself in. I am so proud of you. I too want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the support you have given me. I am finding the old kat that was a whole lot more fun to be around!

Love ya.

kat

[whatdidido]

Thanks so much, Puppy and Kat. That means a lot coming from both of you. Puppy, my husband would thank you over and over if he only knew what you have been able to do for him and myself- give me insight to how he is feeling and what was needed for me to end the affair. Both you and Kat post things to OTHERS, even, that come across in my head and help me. These forums are really great for helping.

Oh, Stillwaters, I soooooo definitely know how your wife is feeling. Don't underestimate the pain she is going through. I realize that's hard to do since she trampled on everything your marriage stood for and all over you, the man she was supposed to love more than anything.

I understand her need to heal and figure out who she is. She does need that. She doesn't need to do this separate from you, but she may feel she does because the pain she is feeling is hard to show in front of you. The shame and realization of what she has done and now everyone knows. My family does not know....I really can't imagine that....Even without everyone knowing, for the first few months, whenever I had the chance I wanted to lay down in bed. I felt sick constantly...headaches, stomachaches...tired....I was depressed. I needed to work through this. My H let me do this...even with his anger, he let me do this.

Her lack of conviction about her marriage is because she feels it is hopeless. After all she has done.....I remember thinking, "Ok, I can maybe do this....but, oh my God, how am I ever going to be able to be intimate with him again??!!! I can't even imagine!!! We can't work. It will never work." I saw no hope. YOu can help her see hope by reminding her over and over, as long as she has no contact with OM, you will be there for her and work on the marriage with her. Give her books to read. Help her understand what she is going through. If she is religious, she could see a pastor. If she chooses to date others, then she has stepped past her shame and guilt and now is using it as an excuse to continue to make bad choices. I don't judge her for doing that, because her emotions are a mess.....help her...help her see that she has hope. COnsider REtrouvaille. Get her back in the home with you, with no contact. Give her space if she needs it, but don't let her say she needs to date others and leave the home. That will not help her. The people she surrounds herself with will be very influential right now, and without you at home with her, it can be detrimental.

My H had a feeling I was cheating on him, but didn't confront me. I saw him making changes, he saw a counselor on his own, and that made me decide that if I left him it would be because of me, not him. So, I told him of the affairs. That same night I told him to come home. I knew that I needed him here for me to stay on the right path. YOur wife needs you as well. DOn't give up on her.

[lost_in_space]

Hi wdid.

I just wanted to stop by and say hi. I have been awol for a while. Things you have said to me in the past continue to resonate though. I still consider you to be an angel!

I am soooo glad things are in a better place for you.

Take care.

[Still Waters]

Thank you so much for that, wdid. I am always looking for more insight into what my W is thinking and feeling. The last few times I saw her she was in so much emotional pain and inner turmoil, and filled with so much self-hatred, that I was worried about her safety. That's why I exposed the A to her family. And after the initial anger and shock subsidized, they have been very loving and supportive of her. I think my W really needed to see that. She was so afraid that people would condemn her forever (she comes from a conservative Southern Baptist background) that she denied the A to everyone. Now that the A is out there, and the people most affected by her actions (me and her family) have told her that they can forgive her, I hope that my W will forgive herself. So far she hasn't allowed me in to help her on that journey, but it's only been a week since I confronted her.

Do you have any books that you recommend for my W? She does actually read things that I give her, but I haven't really given her anything related to healing from affairs yet. Perhaps "Not Just Friends?"

My W is also starting to go to IC again. I convinced her to at least think about seeing a cognitive therapist (which did wonders for me) instead of her old therapist (who seemed to do nothing but have my W talk endlessly about her childhood). So hopefully she'll do that, because she needs help breaking this negative and hopeless thought pattern she's locked in.

I have made it clear to her that I am here and I am ready and willing to start working on the marriage. I told her that I can forgive her for the A and that in time, and through her actions, I can rebuild my trust in her. But so far she hasn't agreed to come back and start working. She says she feels too weak and powerless. So I have given her the space she asked for and have gone dark.

I feel a lot better knowing that her family is now there to support her, because before it was just her friends. But I hope she'll find the strength to work on her M. Any other suggestions you have on how I can help, while still giving her space, would be greatly appreciated.