Shine like the star you are!

[Trying24now]

I don't mean to hog so much of your thread today Sage, but I wanted to get your opinion on something.

Considering the posts that I responded to today...WHY don't we see what it is we're doing, when we so clearly know when we've done it?

Why do we continue to fall into the same pitfalls when we're so obviously in-tune with our own mistakes and shortcomings in the DB process?

I KNOW what works for my H and I and I KNOW what doesn't work too..and yet it's like I have to freakin 'retrain' at some point almost every single day it seems.

I think that there's some sick part of me that's constantly trying to sabatoge what the other part of me is so desperately trying to heal. Does that make any sense to you, can you relate to that?
T2

[sage]

I think that there's some sick part of me that's constantly trying to sabatoge what the other part of me is so desperately trying to heal. Does that make any sense to you, can you relate to that?
T2

OMG, hon....have you read my earlier threads? (no prob if you haven't ... they're boring!).

For me..the answer to your question of "why do I do things that don't work..that drive me further away from h?" can be answered in a number of valid ways...depending on the sitch:

1. It's habit -- 37 years in the making and it's desperately trying to not go anywhere

2. It's comfortable -- why NOT fall upon "what I know"?

3. I'm terrified -- hey, yah, things suck but at least I KNOW why they suck ('cause I messed up)...what happens if I do all the right things and they still suck?

4. I'm terrified (part II) -- ok, I work my A$$ off and things don't suck anymore...wait...what if they start sucking again??? Yikes...I've climbed up the ladder even further??? Look at how far I have to fall NOW.

5. 'cause mom said so -- ok, a major cop out but I'm taking it -- mom said my h (whoever he was) would cheat then leave...gotta make it so.

6. 'cause mom said so (part II) -- (still a cop out) -- if MY h DOESN'T cheat then leave...well, I've surpassed mom...do I want to do that?

on and on...ad nauseum.

I strongly, firmly, totally believe in DB'ing as a way to get one on solid ground. I ALSO think, though, that to really break thru one has to do some "thinking work" as opposed to "action work" to figure out why one does what one does....I love the balance I have now 90% action (DB'ing), 10% thinking. There's value in reflecting on WHY you may be sabotaging your efforts...and in the meantime...act "as if" and "do what works" even if it goes against instinct!

Sage

[Trying24now]

Sage,
I wish you could see the tremendous smile you've put on my face today. You have been a "gift" to me today.
Thank you

[shinybear]

HI Sage,

I was going to clarify my comment about your Mom, but if you read the last two points on your last post you'll know exactly what I was getting at!!!

Shiny

[holdingon]

Sage and Shiney,
I need some help or consolling or something. SOMETHING. Is there something I should be doing? Is there anything I should be doing? Is there anything I can do? Visit me, please.
Holdingon in MLC

[lostlove]

HI Sage,

I was going to clarify my comment about your Mom, but if you read the last two points on your last post you'll know exactly what I was getting at!!!

Shiny

well then shiny,

be mad at my mom, my dad, my grandfather, my brothers wife...and the whole rest of the fd-up world that we all grew up in that showed us to not trust. gee I wondered why I liked the x files so much "trust no one" was a key phrase.

how to put away that ole baggage and still keep safe especitally once that saftey has been breached?

suppose I can answer my own question...our saftey depends on no one but ourselves? hmmmm but if it is our own responsibility to keep safe then how can we have any true intimate relationships with others?

sorry sage....just pondering as usual.

btw....I feel so much of what you've been posting lately (the scary stuff that is) that it's almost scary...I notice some others are saying the same...I wonder...are we all somehow predisposed to such sits? do we all have some underlying connection that lead us here (not in the x-files sense) some common traits? I suppose we do. humph?

LL

[Hud]

hey sage,

I get the sense that much of your struggle in your M right now hinges on trust and intimacy. My guess is that you carry in your mind's eye a vision of what your perfect M with your H could or should be...what is it? How realistic is it? Is it one that he might share? Or are there parts of the vision that aren't actually attainable (because of water under the bridge, a differnce in the way your H may approach certain things, etc., etc.)

Kinda just throwing stuff out here, but as long as you're spending 10% of your R time thinking, you might as well think about your driving thoughts (and I mean here, not why you think these things (e.g. your parents, teachers, friends, previous Rs, etc.), but rather, what it is you are thinking (i.e. sage's values and motivators)).

Don't get bogged down in it, but like you told me, part of this whole DB process is finding out about yourself.

Hud

[sage]

Sage,
I wish you could see the tremendous smile you've put on my face today. You have been a "gift" to me today.
Thank you

T24 -- and right back at you! Thank you for the kind words...I needed that!

Sage

[sage]

HI Sage,

I was going to clarify my comment about your Mom, but if you read the last two points on your last post you'll know exactly what I was getting at!!!

Shiny

Yah...no clarification necessary, Shiny.

I just listened to "The Dance of Anger" (a reread for me) and it reinforced that I likely need to do SOMETHING about my r. with my mom. Right now we're in "standoff" mode at my initiation...partly because (and I told her this) I just don't feel good about seeing her, speaking with her, etc...and partly because I just cannot deal with the fact that she is involved with a married man right now.

That being said...I know that the standoff isn't healthy for me. I just really don't know how to address it right now.

Sage

[lostlove]

That being said...I know that the standoff isn't healthy for me. I just really don't know how to address it right now.

how about blantant honesty?
I know that with my dad...who I don't talk to often (mostly I wait for him to contact me) because I don't aprove of what he's done with his life (that inadvertantly effected the lives of all around me including my children). When I do speak to him...the topic is most often avoided...but when it does present itself (ie when he had the nerve to ask me if I would mind his ow being at vacation) I am honest about my feelings. or to put it anther way...what I told him long ago (my parents have been legally d'd now for about 5years) I think you're a jerk for what you did (are doing) but you're my dad and I'll always love you.


gotta run...son starts pre-school today!!

LL