First, let me say this is my first post. I've been reading the forums here that are relative to my situation and find there is a lot of good common sense advice to be had. I've read Michelle's Divorce Remedy and have found it very helpful. Here's my story: I've been married for 19 years to my high school sweetheart. We dated on and off - mostly on for about 10 yrs. until we got married. I'm 46, she's 45 and we have 2 daughters, ages 13 and 17. I think the source of our troubles goes back to her childhood. The way she tells it, she was the middle child with an older and younger brother. She didn't get much attention when she was young, so she says , she spent most of the time in her bedroom alone. She began to put on weight. By the time she was 13/14, the way she got attention was letting the neighborhood boys touch her and she would do the same for them. She didn't lose her virginity to any of them. She was made fun of by the same kids, but it went on until she met me and she finally was able to say no the those boys. She didn't tell about this until about 3 yrs. after we began dating. She wasn't too frisky as we didn't have sex until after I found about about this. She's also the only girl I seriously dated. One time ( 1984?)I broke up with her when she wouldn't have sex with me during a trip we took together. But we got back together. She was always insecure about her looks. She was never thin, but not chubby either About 5'3" and 150.I guess we felt safe and secure with each other. My parents fought a lot as my father owned 2 bars and was out a lot working until closing most nights. My mother had 4 kids to take care of 16 yrs. apart in age. This is probably why I avoided confrontation when I grew up. After getting married, we settled down, bought a house, had 2 kids and I thought everything was OK. I've never abused her mentally nor physically. I always help around the house. I've had a very steady and secure job for the last 21 years. She has a great job, I thought, although she even said to me the other day she doesn't get the recognition she deserves but she can deal with it because of her salary I take our girls to their doctor appointments. I bought her flowers when I didn't have to because of a special occasion.You get the idea. My wife dropped the bomb on me last August. She had been upset so I asked her what the problem was and she said she wanted to separate. This was the first hint she ever gave me that our marriage was in trouble. She said it wasn't me, it was her. She is still seeing a psychotherapist. She wanted me to go to a counselor, but I didn't because I wasn't the one with the problem. That was my first mistake. Eventually, I did go to a therapist, but even he said after 4 appointments, there's not much he can do as my wife went to see him once, but won't go again if the reason is saving our marriage. I made the mistake of overcompensating with learning how to make coffee - I don't drink it- and all the other clingy stuff you do when you don't know what to do. I have moved to my finished basement which is all fixed up and she remodeled our bedroom. I've been avoiding her as much as possible, just talking about finances and the kids. I've been taking care of myself, going out, staying positive, dressing better, changed my hairstyle ect... I told my wife the other day that I went to see a divorce mediator. She was taken aback because this separation was her idea. I figured I had to give her a kick in the pants. My younger daughter is quiet about this situation, but my older daughter ( who's also now seeing a psychologist ) blames my wife and says she would stay with me. I've told her no one is to blame and that stuff happens. It's only been 3 weeks since I moved downstairs so I don't expect miracles overnight, but, I'm trying to stay cautiously optimistic about keeping us together. I let her go out when she wants. She never did that before. She goes out with women friends ( all divorced , though she claims they don't influence her.)I don't ask her who, what where. I doubt she's having an affair as she's still insecure of her body and said she doesn't want anybody touching it. She wants to be a stronger person instead of a pleaser, a " yes " girl. She wants to be more spiritual. I think she's trapped herself because if she stays with me, she's saying " yes " to me. Sorry to have gone on so long, but 30 years is a lot of time to cover. Thanks for reading.
